One Hundred Little Things
White Noise
Patrick's POV
_____________
I softly traced my lips with my finger and stared blankly at the three faces still smirking in my direction.
"Did that really just happen?" I thought aloud. They all nodded in unison. There was no use in trying to hide my smile. My eyes wandered around the room and suddenly fell and rested on a very sullen and oddly quiet, Pete Wentz. I watched him for a little while, beginning to notice he had barely said two words the entire night, Katie didn't even say good bye.
"What's up?" I inquired. He looked up like a deer in the headlights, and then shook his head.
"Nothing, why?" he replied with a very unconvincing smile and a half-hearted laugh. I shot him an all-knowing glace and raised my eyebrow.
"I know you better than that. There is no way you can lie to me. Now come on, spill," I begged. I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to be the first to look away.
He finally cracked and held his breath for a moment before letting it all out. Everything, every word, every quote, every terrible little detail. It all came poring from his mouth in to my ears leaving me with this horrible feeling stuck inside my mind. At first I tried to tell myself it was all one elaborate, cruel, sick joke, but there was no denying it from the look on his face. We asked a few questions, but he didn't know much. I wanted so badly to just walk in to their room and ask them about everything, but I just didn't have the heart to do that. Things had to be complicated and confusing enough without us sticking our noses in places they shouldn't be. I knew it was selfish, but I couldn't help but to think of me and Kelsey, whatever we were. This was only going to complicate things, even though things hadn't even begun. I shuttered and thought of what Katie must be feeling. I could tell she was one tough cookie, but still, it had to be hard going through this alone. She didn't really have to go through it alone though; she just thought she did to spare some feelings, so she distanced herself from everyone, no matter how much it hurt.
After a long awkward silence, there was an unspoken agreement to try and get some shut eye. There was no use in trying my thought were drowning my brain and I slowly began to feel as though they were choking me. I silenced the screaming questions and started to listen to nothing in particular, just the white noise that surrounds people everyday, but is often overlooked. Sometimes I wondered if other people did this, sane people, however right now that didn’t matter to me. The three distinct sounds of sleep began to emerge from the corners of the room. Andy's deep breathing and sudden gasps, Joe's roller coaster volume snoring, and the murmurs that occasionally slipped from Pete's dreamscape and escaped his tongue. The whirr of the fan, the chirp of the crickets, the crash of the waves, it all meshed together, creating a breathtaking symphony of breath taking sound. The beautiful song was disrupted suddenly by a rustling and a repeated thumping from the halls. I dragged myself out of bed, expecting to yell at some rowdy kids, only too find a much curiouser*** sight. Kelsey sat directly across the hall from her doorway, beating her head into a wall. I watched silently for a just a second, then slowly made my way over to her, sitting myself down next to her so our shoulders touched. She looked up at me with her huge ocean blue-green eyes and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"What do you want to know?" she breathed, choking back tears. I held her tightly in my arms rocking her back in forth like a small child.
"Shhh, it's okay, we don't have to do this right now," I whispered. She nodded and pulled away.
"Yes, we do," she sniffled.
I bit my tongue. I asked her a list of questions, but she didn't say anything, she just thrust a worn out piece of paper into my hands.
1. Don't ask me how long I have to live, I am living right now and that’s all that matters
2. You don't need to know what type of cancer I have, like it's important anyway.
3. Never tell any one what has yet to be completed, only your accomplishments.
4. There will be no crying or sadness in front of me, that'll only make me feel worse but it won't change my mind.
5. Live every second to it's fullest under any circumstances.
6. When I'm gone do not mourn my death, but celebrate my life. Don't stay stuck in the path but move on and remember the good times we shared.
"Those are the rules," she said with a very monotone voice.
"It's gotta be hard on you," I said. She bit down on her lip and nodded.
"When your best friend tells you they're dying and there is nothing you can do, no matter how much you tell them you need them, and how you don't want them to go, and can't live without them, then we'll talk," she retorted in that same empty voice. She couldn't take it though. She grabbed my shirt, buried her face in my chest, and began to weep into me. I stroked her back and ran my fingers through her hair. If only she knew half the things I'd been through with Pete, but that didn't mattered now, all that mattered was that we were here, together, now. That wasn't going to change. I drifted off to sleep as I listened into the white noise again.
Elevator doors, Kelsey's deep breathing, a rustling from the room directly across the hall.
_____________
I softly traced my lips with my finger and stared blankly at the three faces still smirking in my direction.
"Did that really just happen?" I thought aloud. They all nodded in unison. There was no use in trying to hide my smile. My eyes wandered around the room and suddenly fell and rested on a very sullen and oddly quiet, Pete Wentz. I watched him for a little while, beginning to notice he had barely said two words the entire night, Katie didn't even say good bye.
"What's up?" I inquired. He looked up like a deer in the headlights, and then shook his head.
"Nothing, why?" he replied with a very unconvincing smile and a half-hearted laugh. I shot him an all-knowing glace and raised my eyebrow.
"I know you better than that. There is no way you can lie to me. Now come on, spill," I begged. I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to be the first to look away.
He finally cracked and held his breath for a moment before letting it all out. Everything, every word, every quote, every terrible little detail. It all came poring from his mouth in to my ears leaving me with this horrible feeling stuck inside my mind. At first I tried to tell myself it was all one elaborate, cruel, sick joke, but there was no denying it from the look on his face. We asked a few questions, but he didn't know much. I wanted so badly to just walk in to their room and ask them about everything, but I just didn't have the heart to do that. Things had to be complicated and confusing enough without us sticking our noses in places they shouldn't be. I knew it was selfish, but I couldn't help but to think of me and Kelsey, whatever we were. This was only going to complicate things, even though things hadn't even begun. I shuttered and thought of what Katie must be feeling. I could tell she was one tough cookie, but still, it had to be hard going through this alone. She didn't really have to go through it alone though; she just thought she did to spare some feelings, so she distanced herself from everyone, no matter how much it hurt.
After a long awkward silence, there was an unspoken agreement to try and get some shut eye. There was no use in trying my thought were drowning my brain and I slowly began to feel as though they were choking me. I silenced the screaming questions and started to listen to nothing in particular, just the white noise that surrounds people everyday, but is often overlooked. Sometimes I wondered if other people did this, sane people, however right now that didn’t matter to me. The three distinct sounds of sleep began to emerge from the corners of the room. Andy's deep breathing and sudden gasps, Joe's roller coaster volume snoring, and the murmurs that occasionally slipped from Pete's dreamscape and escaped his tongue. The whirr of the fan, the chirp of the crickets, the crash of the waves, it all meshed together, creating a breathtaking symphony of breath taking sound. The beautiful song was disrupted suddenly by a rustling and a repeated thumping from the halls. I dragged myself out of bed, expecting to yell at some rowdy kids, only too find a much curiouser*** sight. Kelsey sat directly across the hall from her doorway, beating her head into a wall. I watched silently for a just a second, then slowly made my way over to her, sitting myself down next to her so our shoulders touched. She looked up at me with her huge ocean blue-green eyes and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"What do you want to know?" she breathed, choking back tears. I held her tightly in my arms rocking her back in forth like a small child.
"Shhh, it's okay, we don't have to do this right now," I whispered. She nodded and pulled away.
"Yes, we do," she sniffled.
I bit my tongue. I asked her a list of questions, but she didn't say anything, she just thrust a worn out piece of paper into my hands.
1. Don't ask me how long I have to live, I am living right now and that’s all that matters
2. You don't need to know what type of cancer I have, like it's important anyway.
3. Never tell any one what has yet to be completed, only your accomplishments.
4. There will be no crying or sadness in front of me, that'll only make me feel worse but it won't change my mind.
5. Live every second to it's fullest under any circumstances.
6. When I'm gone do not mourn my death, but celebrate my life. Don't stay stuck in the path but move on and remember the good times we shared.
"Those are the rules," she said with a very monotone voice.
"It's gotta be hard on you," I said. She bit down on her lip and nodded.
"When your best friend tells you they're dying and there is nothing you can do, no matter how much you tell them you need them, and how you don't want them to go, and can't live without them, then we'll talk," she retorted in that same empty voice. She couldn't take it though. She grabbed my shirt, buried her face in my chest, and began to weep into me. I stroked her back and ran my fingers through her hair. If only she knew half the things I'd been through with Pete, but that didn't mattered now, all that mattered was that we were here, together, now. That wasn't going to change. I drifted off to sleep as I listened into the white noise again.
Elevator doors, Kelsey's deep breathing, a rustling from the room directly across the hall.