Status: Active
Breathe Easy the Doctors Are About to Arrive
chapter 18
Put a shirt on, no one wants to see that.... His words echoed over and over again through my mind like a broken record. I don't know why and I don't know how. This happened every once in a while, though. I tossed and turned in the bed next to Max. I knew he was awake. Watching me. Thinking. Thinking about what? I wondered to myself. I was delusional and drugged by my sleeping state. I grunted and finally plopped down upon my back. I was breathing heavily and I could feel the tears coming. Sometimes they came for no reason, other times they came for a reasonable reason. I closed my eyes and I felt my hands starting to tremble. I knew what I had to do now...I knew what I had to do to make myself feel better. I hadn't done it in years, but I knew it would stop this. And if I hid it good enough, no one would know. It would only benefit me, I thought to myself. I got up out of the bed, racing to the bathroom and closing the door behind me quietly. I was having an anxiety attack. I hadn't had one of these in forever. My hands trembled and I looked in the mirror at my rising chest. I don't know what caused this anxiety attack, but I again, knew exactly what would stop it. I thought twice, three times, even four times. I looked around in the medicine cabinet, finding nothing. I rummaged around underneath the sink. Nothing. Then...my eyes fell on just the right object. I took the toilet paper dispenser and broke it in half. I rose my leg up, putting the sharp edge to my shin. I stared at the sharp raggedy edge of the broken dispenser and I wondered. I wondered if Max would notice, and I wondered what would happen after this Then, just like always, flashbacks flooded my mind.
I can't believe you! My own daughter! Get the fuck out of here!
My dad screamed in my mind. Then my mom, my own mother.
Just like your father, you're worthless. You'll never amount to anything. I'm sorry I ever gave birth to such a piece of scum.
Then Josh again.
Put a shirt on, no one wants to see that.
I sobbed, letting the tears pour out one by one. I sat the sharp jagged edge on the sink, sitting on the toilet and bringing my knees to my chin. I hugged them tightly, and tried talking myself out of this. No, I wasn't going to kill myself. It would be better to see the blood, to see myself suffering. I thought about Max, about Jessi, about Bryan. What they would do if and when they found out. I thought about how they would feel. I almost threw the broken dispenser across the room, but when I grabbed it I cut my finger open. I paused my arm in mid-air, setting it down on the sink gently for just a second. I ceased my crying. Then, I began singing. I wasn't very sane when an anxiety attack would sneak up on me. I sang and I sang, not caring about anything. It was like my personality was slipping away. I smiled and grabbed the sharp broken dispenser.
"They won't even notice," I whispered to myself as my hands trembled so bad. "Just fucking do it," I hissed at myself. "Everything will be fine after you do it. You'll forget about everything...you might even die, won't that be a rush?" I asked myself. Then, I laughed. I put my head back and I laughed at myself. Just as sudden as I had laughed, I snapped out of it. What most people didn't know about me; I had really bad emotional problems. I kept it hidden well, but sometimes, like in times such as these, it seeped out of me like an open wound. After I left my past, I wrapped it up like a box and kept it in the back of my mind and heart. I didn't dare let it out, but sometimes it just simply broke out... Jessi and Bryan were both aware of this problem of mine, and they knew they didn't blame me. They also knew it wasn't my fault. It was just the way my life caused me to be. I shook my head and thought about how stupid I was being, how pathetic I was being. This hadn't happened in so long, why'd it have to happen now? I just got it over with. I gripped the sharp dispenser in one hand and balled my other hand into a fist, resting it between my thighs and my stomach. I gritted my teeth and I could feel sweat breaking through my skin all over. I swiped the sharpness over my leg, like a credit card. One. Two. Three. Four. Four deep gashes. I sighed in relief and then fell to the floor. I closed my eyes as the blood seeped out. All of the flashbacks were gone, all of the voices were gone, all of the deep rooted emotions were gone. It was just me. I was numb, and this is what I wanted. I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor that night. I was oddly comfortable in there. I knew I couldn't go back out to Max just yet. I would worry about covering myself up later.
"Randi?" I heard Max's voice through the door. My eyes shot open like my body was on fire.
"Huh?" I asked, making myself sit up as well.
"Why'd you sleep in the bathroom?" he asked. I could hint concern in his voice and my eyes just stared off into space. I swallowed hard.
"I'm sick," I spluttered.
"...Oh..Well, do you need help?" he asked sweetly, trying to open the door. The door opened slowly and I stood up, getting in the shower quickly. "Randi?" Max asked again. He sounded like he was weirded out. He pulled the shower curtain back and that's when I remembered that this shower didn't work. I cursed myself, but kept my body turned around.
"Hm?" I asked, chewing on my lip.
"Seriously..Are you okay?" Max asked. "You do know that the shower doesn't work in this bathroom, right? You knew that," he rambled nervously. "Randi what happened to your leg?" he asked anxiously. I closed my eyes.
"I ran into the toilet paper..thing.." I said. My body started to shake. I was about to explode if he didn't leave me alone.
"Oh. Is that why it's broken?" he asked, sudden relief filling his voice.
"Yeah," I said, sighing.
"Okay....can you turn around and let me see it?" he asked softly.
"No," I stated firmly. "Max...can you leave me a lone please..." I stated so calmly. He left without another word, and I felt a tear fall down my face. I punched the wall as I heard him open the bedroom door from outside. I knew he was going to tell Jessi that I was acting weird. For just a second I felt betrayed. I didn't "tell" on him when he was doing that coke. But then again, maybe I should have.
I can't believe you! My own daughter! Get the fuck out of here!
My dad screamed in my mind. Then my mom, my own mother.
Just like your father, you're worthless. You'll never amount to anything. I'm sorry I ever gave birth to such a piece of scum.
Then Josh again.
Put a shirt on, no one wants to see that.
I sobbed, letting the tears pour out one by one. I sat the sharp jagged edge on the sink, sitting on the toilet and bringing my knees to my chin. I hugged them tightly, and tried talking myself out of this. No, I wasn't going to kill myself. It would be better to see the blood, to see myself suffering. I thought about Max, about Jessi, about Bryan. What they would do if and when they found out. I thought about how they would feel. I almost threw the broken dispenser across the room, but when I grabbed it I cut my finger open. I paused my arm in mid-air, setting it down on the sink gently for just a second. I ceased my crying. Then, I began singing. I wasn't very sane when an anxiety attack would sneak up on me. I sang and I sang, not caring about anything. It was like my personality was slipping away. I smiled and grabbed the sharp broken dispenser.
"They won't even notice," I whispered to myself as my hands trembled so bad. "Just fucking do it," I hissed at myself. "Everything will be fine after you do it. You'll forget about everything...you might even die, won't that be a rush?" I asked myself. Then, I laughed. I put my head back and I laughed at myself. Just as sudden as I had laughed, I snapped out of it. What most people didn't know about me; I had really bad emotional problems. I kept it hidden well, but sometimes, like in times such as these, it seeped out of me like an open wound. After I left my past, I wrapped it up like a box and kept it in the back of my mind and heart. I didn't dare let it out, but sometimes it just simply broke out... Jessi and Bryan were both aware of this problem of mine, and they knew they didn't blame me. They also knew it wasn't my fault. It was just the way my life caused me to be. I shook my head and thought about how stupid I was being, how pathetic I was being. This hadn't happened in so long, why'd it have to happen now? I just got it over with. I gripped the sharp dispenser in one hand and balled my other hand into a fist, resting it between my thighs and my stomach. I gritted my teeth and I could feel sweat breaking through my skin all over. I swiped the sharpness over my leg, like a credit card. One. Two. Three. Four. Four deep gashes. I sighed in relief and then fell to the floor. I closed my eyes as the blood seeped out. All of the flashbacks were gone, all of the voices were gone, all of the deep rooted emotions were gone. It was just me. I was numb, and this is what I wanted. I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor that night. I was oddly comfortable in there. I knew I couldn't go back out to Max just yet. I would worry about covering myself up later.
"Randi?" I heard Max's voice through the door. My eyes shot open like my body was on fire.
"Huh?" I asked, making myself sit up as well.
"Why'd you sleep in the bathroom?" he asked. I could hint concern in his voice and my eyes just stared off into space. I swallowed hard.
"I'm sick," I spluttered.
"...Oh..Well, do you need help?" he asked sweetly, trying to open the door. The door opened slowly and I stood up, getting in the shower quickly. "Randi?" Max asked again. He sounded like he was weirded out. He pulled the shower curtain back and that's when I remembered that this shower didn't work. I cursed myself, but kept my body turned around.
"Hm?" I asked, chewing on my lip.
"Seriously..Are you okay?" Max asked. "You do know that the shower doesn't work in this bathroom, right? You knew that," he rambled nervously. "Randi what happened to your leg?" he asked anxiously. I closed my eyes.
"I ran into the toilet paper..thing.." I said. My body started to shake. I was about to explode if he didn't leave me alone.
"Oh. Is that why it's broken?" he asked, sudden relief filling his voice.
"Yeah," I said, sighing.
"Okay....can you turn around and let me see it?" he asked softly.
"No," I stated firmly. "Max...can you leave me a lone please..." I stated so calmly. He left without another word, and I felt a tear fall down my face. I punched the wall as I heard him open the bedroom door from outside. I knew he was going to tell Jessi that I was acting weird. For just a second I felt betrayed. I didn't "tell" on him when he was doing that coke. But then again, maybe I should have.