Breathe Easy the Doctors Are About to Arrive

I spent the next 28 or so days drinking myself to sleep every night. Sometimes I’d drink to wake myself up, or drink when I was hungry. Every time I felt a smidgeon of pain, I’d pick up the bottle. I lost too much weight, and I didn’t dare tell Max what I was doing, or why I was doing it. Jessi started hiding the casual cans of beer that she and Bryan would buy for themselves, because I ended up drinking the whole case myself. She threatened that if the alcohol didn’t kill me first, she’d kill me herself. All I could do was stare at her, and then go up to my room and cry; I did it every day. In fact I didn’t think there was a day that I didn’t cry after he left. I missed Max, and I kept having re-occurring dreams of Ronnie. Dreams of everything that had happened after that bad acid trip. Dreams of him coming to school looking like he had beaten himself up. The fact that I finally knew why he did was tearing me up inside, and the fact that it had even happened without me knowing or having any control over it whatsoever hurt even worse. Bryan had to convince Jessi every day that I would get better for sure when Max came home. I wouldn’t talk to either of them, because it did me no good. Bryan would come in my room daily, and I think that was just to make sure I wasn’t dead from poisoning myself. Jessi came into my room once in a while, to try to convince me to stop drinking so much. Sometimes tears would even brim in her eyes as she begged me. I would just hug her tightly, then go and buy some more for that night. I wondered why she didn’t kick me out of her house, although I knew just as well as she did, that it was either she let me stay here or I would go out and walk the streets of Vegas drunk and delirious, causing harm to myself very easily. Every day I’d remind myself, just a few more days, just three more weeks. I’d convince myself I didn’t need alcohol that day, but as the days went on, I needed something to control my mind, and the bottle was the only thing that saved me from it. It was hard to keep it around, because of my disapproving friends, so I had also taken up smoking. It amused me how much of a wreck I could become within just a month. Both Lish and Stevie knew about my newly found habits, because Bryan insisted on telling them. I didn’t lie; I just didn’t care to tell anyone. I would get calls from Stevie every night; because she knew me too well and knew when I would drink, telling me that I was stupid for drinking, and that she was going to tell Max what I was doing. I ignored her or hung up on her most of the time. But for some reason I still answered it, because I needed to know that she cared about me. I would call Lish after the monotone voice forced Max and I apart every night, and she would just talk to me very softly, like what I was doing was breaking her, like she was connected to me somehow. I knew my sorry ass would end up apologizing to my friends, for the thousandth time in my life, for hurting them so much with my stupid antics. But then, I knew that they understood. They understood why I was so stupid.

The night before Max was supposed to return home, he called me, just like any other night. I lit up a cigarette, and answered the phone calmly.

“Max,” I breathed, letting smoke slither out through my lips with his name.

“I’m very pissed off at you,” he practically growled through the phone, making my throat tie in a knot. I pursed my lips, and forced myself to swallow so I could remain calm.

“Then why’d you call me?” I asked plainly, setting my cigarette on the ashtray beside me and then crossing my arms across my stomach.

“Jessi just told me everything you’ve been doing, Randi….” he trailed off. I scoffed.

“Of course she told you the night before you fucking come home. Look Max, I was going to tell you all about it after you got here tomorrow. Don’t fucking be pissed off at me, I don’t need it,” I argued with him, and I felt tears brimming on my eyelids. I didn’t feel like crying, I was just angry. Angry at myself.

“If I come home and I see one empty bottle of Jack Daniels laying around I swear to God….” Max trailed off, taking a deep breath in.

“What Max? What will you do? Tell me I can’t drink?” I demanded. He sighed and I could picture him running his hand through his hair like always.

“I just don’t want us to fucking take turns being in rehab,” he said more quietly. I picked at the chipping wood of the night stand, underneath my ashtray.

“I’m stopping tomorrow,” I told him, stopping and laying my hands in my lap as I cradled the phone on my shoulder.

“Stop tonight…” he trailed off, almost whispered. I looked up at the ceiling, and then I started crying. I sniffled as the monotone voice rang through the phone like the nuisance it was and reminded us of the limited 5 minutes we had left. I growled at it and plopped my stomach down onto the bed in front of me.

“I’ll be home tomorrow,” Max reminded me, and I took in a deep breath.

“I know,” I told him, yanking my arm across my face to wipe the mucous coming out of my mouth, eyes, and nose.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he mumbled again. I choked on my tears and put my head to the side, blinking my wet lashes over and over again.

“You don’t even know,” I said, gritting my teeth and practically punching myself as I glared up at the ceiling.

“Be good, please,” Max said.

“No,” I told him, half joking and staring at the wall.

“Then I won’t come home,” he told me. I took the phone off of my ear and held it in front of me and flipped my middle finger at it angrily.

“Don’t flip the phone off, Randi, it just makes you look crazy,” Max said, laughing, as I put the phone back to my ear and breathed into it.

“Ugh,” I groaned at him.

“I’m serious. Be good for me,” he demanded.

“What are you, my mother?” I grumbled.

“Your boyfriend, your other half, your partner, your lover…” he kept finding synonyms and I laughed at him.

“Fine, whatever, I don’t care,” I told him stubbornly.

“I know you don’t care about yourself, but I do,” he told me softly. The line clicked and I pulled it away.

“FUCK!” I screamed, and threw the phone to the floor without hanging up. I was so glad he was coming home tomorrow, and I didn’t have to deal with some robot hanging up on me anymore.

That night I didn’t sleep, I was too excited to sleep. I took all of my empty liquor bottles and took them out to the trash. I took a shower-two showers-and tried to make myself look as good as I possibly could for him. I noticed my face got paler, and I looked like I belonged in a coffin six feet under. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my lips were the only thing that looked alive on my face, surprisingly enough. I sat on the bed-all dressed up, make up on, hair straightened, the whole bit-waiting for the clock on my phone to say 6 AM, and texting Stevie. As soon as the numbers hit 5:59 on the screen, I jumped out of the bed and went fleeing to Jessi and Bryan’s door. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Time to go get Max!” I screamed through their door.

“Fuck my life,” I heard Bryan whisper, and I laughed. I bounded down the stairs and sat at the table, tapping my foot and chewing on my nails.

“Bryan you don’t even have to get dressed. Jessi, just go in your pajamas!” I yelled up at them. Jessi laughed at me, and the doorbell rang, blending in with her laughter.

“I’ll get it!” I told Bryan as he stepped onto the first step of the stairs to answer his door, but turned around when I bounded for it. I bounced to the door and opened it without looking out the hole. As soon as I saw who it was I lunged at them, almost knocking them over. “MAX!” I screamed, and tears fell out of my eyes as my cheeks almost ripped from smiling so much.
I wouldn’t let go of him, and he squeezed me just as hard. “I love you! How in the fuck did you get here?” I demanded, and I pulled him inside.

“I took a taxi,” he explained before he kissed me. I jumped onto him and wrapped my legs around his waist, and practically ate his face off. He laughed and I smiled, not taking my lips off of him.

“Well I was going to hug you, bro…” Bryan said, and then laughed as Max walked toward the stairs with me latched onto him like a monkey.

“If you two fuck you better be quiet, or I’m going to come in there and flip the fucking bed over!” Jessi yelled at us, eyeing the two of us as I took Max’s jacket off and threw it on the stairs.

Max walked up to our room and I was surprised he could carry me so effortlessly. I kept my arms around his neck and my lips against his like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. When we finally got to the bedroom door, I put my head back and caught my breath. I took a good look at him and jumped down out of his arms. I smiled and put my hands on either side of his face.

“You look so good!” I squealed, touching all over him with my fingertips. He closed his eyes as I ran them over his eyelashes, up to his forehead, and pushed his now long, black hair, out of his eyes.

“And you look fucking beautiful,” he commented, scanning my face and looking down at my shirt that used to be so tight on me-now it was baggy and looked like one of his. “Have you been eating?” he demanded, stepping away and mean mugging me. I jumped on him again, this time not wrapping my legs around him, and just hung from his neck, kissing him over and over again. He enclosed his arms around my middle and gave up, opening the bedroom door. “God, I’m so fucking glad I’m home,” he said and turned the light on. He took his shirt off instantly, unbuckled his pants, and went to lie in in the bed, but I tackled him like a football player.

“No!” I screamed at him, and I pinned his arms down. He looked up at me with a priceless expression on his face and I locked my lips against his again.

“Damn, I know I’m sexy, but I’m not that sexy,” he commented, laughing at his stupid joke.

“I missed you, I think I went a little bit crazy while you were gone,” I told him, ignoring his humor and plopping down onto him, fidgeting with the buttons on my jeans. For a minute he just stared at me, and I stared at him, while I threw my pants to the ground. “Ugh,” I grunted, and I wrapped the blankets around the both of us. “I love you Max, don’t ever leave me like that again or I think I’ll just drown myself,” I told him, closing my eyes and smashing my face against his chest.

“Don’t say that,” he said, guilt rising in his voice. He rubbed my back and I kissed him, so out of breath. I groaned in relief and rested my forehead against his.

“You know I kind of dig the cigarette taste in your mouth, it turns me on,” Max joked, and pulled me down onto him with his arms. I laughed at him and gave him a big wet kiss, smothering his tongue with mine. “God I missed you, Randi,” he told me, and pushed my hair back out of my face.

“I missed you so much more than you missed me,” I told him, and I laid on him casually, kissing his chest and running my hands in every direction they could go. He played with the hem of my shirt, and I already knew what he wanted. I took my shirt off without hesitation and he ran his hands up my stomach very slowly and gently, making me laugh and hunch over because it tickled. I undid my bra and wrapped myself up in the blanket, turning over on my back on the other side of him. He got on top of me and did the honors of taking my underwear off for me. I wrapped my arms around his neck very securely and I arched my back so there was no space between us. He wrapped his arms around me and I sighed. He kissed me and I could see through the light on my eyelids that the sun had moved in its position in the sky since I had woken Jessi and Bryan up. I turned sideways, making him turn as well, and I rested my hand against his cheek after I pulled the blankets over us. My heart was beating fast and even I could hear it.

“You still do that to me,” I told him, laughing at his reaction to my pulse. He rested his hands on the small of my back and I wrapped my legs around him.

“I just want to stay like this, here in this bed, forever…” Max trailed off.

“Good because you’re not leaving, not even to take a piss,” I told him, and he raised his eyebrows at me. I smiled at him and nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck. Our bodies started moving together and I breathed out in contentment.

“I missed this,” he told me; his words un even and stressed.

“I did too,” I practically whispered, laughing at him as his face pulled up in so many pleasured expressions. It looked like he was being hurt, but nonetheless I laughed at him.
“Well you look like you’re enjoying your time back home,” I teased, out of breath like I ran 5 miles already.

“Damn,” he breathed out. This was the first time he ever got into our festivities like so.
I got on top of him, twisting the blankets every which way and I pinned his arms to the wall behind him, smiling down at him as he growled in frustration.

“So much tension, hmm?” I droned against his ear. He breathed out and wrapped one arm around my waist as I moved against him.

“Holy shit,” he grumbled, and I put the palms of my hands on his cheeks, kissing him and holding his face. He gasped and let out a sigh of relief, like he just quenched his thirst or something. I felt wetness on my stomach and I looked at him, my lips pulled back in a disgusted snarl. It went away instantly, and I just pulled the blankets off of my body. I cleared my throat, staring down at the mess.

“I’ll be back,” I told him, and he blushed at me.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, covering his face up with the blankets. I washed myself off with a rag quickly, and I almost didn’t have to take any steps back to the bed. I practically dove onto him.

“It’s okay,” I said, smirking and cuddling back up with him. He ran his fingertips over my shoulder blade and I shuttered. “What?” I asked him, smiling. I grabbed his hand and started playing with his fingers. “Your nails are black!” I exclaimed, and he laughed at me.

“Ronnie had black nail polish,” he explained. I coughed at his name and wrapped Max’s wrist up in my arms, as I pressed my forehead against his sweaty chest. “You know what Randi…” Max trailed off, making me look up at him.“He told me what happened with you two,” he whispered, looking into my eyes and trying to find any emotions they held. I looked down at his hand cradled against my bare chest and then back up at him, through my eye lashes. “I know that’s been bothering you,” he told me, and it amazed me how he knew me so well. I pressed my lips into a straight line and just stared into the cloudy green irises that were his eyes. I really didn’t want to talk about all of that right now. He blinked, and I snapped out of my daze. I shifted and laid my upper body against his chest, pulling the blankets up around me. He ran his fingertips up and down the middle of my back and I closed my eyes, shivering whenever he got to the back of my neck.

“Are you cold?” he asked me, pushing some of his covers my way.

“No, you’re making me do it,” I told him, laughing at my choice of words.

“Want me to stop?” he asked me, pausing in the middle of my body.

“No,” I answered quickly. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve actually relaxed?” I asked him, and he sighed, resting his cheek against the top of my head. I closed my eyes again, and smashed my face against his shoulder blade. I could feel myself falling asleep on him. I tried to keep myself awake, because I wanted to see him, to look at him, to feel him, but days and days of improper sleeping habits made me limp against his warmth.

“You seem like you’re so exhausted,” he whispered in my ear.

“I am,” I hummed, and I kissed him on his cheek one last time.

“Well I’m here now, so go to sleep,” he told me, taking his other hand and grabbing my arm, pulling it across his body and interlacing his fingers with mine.

“No problem” I said, and my voice broke. He kissed my forehead and I tensed up as his fingers traveled up the back of my neck to my hair line. “I love you,” I said, yawning.

“Love you,” he said, laughing at me and continuing to run his fingers up and down the crease in my back.