Malchik Gay

I watched Lena's mind wander into the unknown. Occasionally glancing at her from the corner of my eye. Carey was watching her too, she seemed disturbed or nervous or something. She was all jumpy and twitching a little. I shuffled over and draped my arm over her shoulders. She jumped a mile and blushed when she realised it was only me.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, looking at her with concern. She nodded with a small smile and seemed to be having an internal and emotional battle with herself. I glanced at Carey who glanced briefly towards the door and ceiling. I knew what she meant. I grabbed Lena's wrist and pulled her up and into the hallway, leading her upstairs to the spare bedroom that Carey and I had convinced everyone was mine. She looked incredibly nervous as I sat her on the single bed with the soft pale blue sheets and sat beside her.

"Come on, tell me what's wrong." I asked her, propping the pillows and leaning back against them, pulling her beside me so she was resting with her head on my shoulder and my arm around hers.

"Nothing." She whispered, tracing circled into the thigh of my combat pants absently. I tilted her chin and raised my eyebrows at her. She sighed and relented. A blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks while she played with my skinny fingers.

"I was just thinking, you know, about everything that happened last week, and I didn't really know what it meant to you."

"What do you mean?" I was confused, but I think I knew where she was taking this. Not again

"I have a crush on you, and you know that now, but I don't know how you feel about me. You said you had a crush on me, and I believe that, but does it go further than that? I've been thinking about how you've been with me since the day we met. You're nicer to me than other people, you're so protective over me, and you even seem to talk softer to me, as if you're trying not to hurt me with your words. Please tell me Yulia, to put my mind at rest. Are you in love with me? Or do you feel anything close to loving me?" My heart stopped and my mind froze. Here she was, the girl I'd loved for nearly three and a half years, and she was asking me if I was in love with her. Of course I was, but I didn't want to admit that to her and give up several years of secrets. I sighed and knew I'd hesitated to answer.

"Do you want me to be?" I asked her, watching the expression on her face change accourding to my words.

"I don't know, maybe. The only reason I wouldn't want you to be is because I know I'm not bi, or lesbian, and that it's just a phase, and if you were in love with me, then when my phase ends, I have to leave you still in love and with a broken heart." I now knew my answer.

"Then no. I'm not in love with you. Sorry. I just know it's a slight crush, like yours." She smiled and kissed my cheek, getting up and tugging my wrist, trying to pull me back downstairs. I stood up, and realised that I had been wrong. She pinned me up against the bedroom wall with her warm body. I looked towards the ceiling, closing my eyes and pretending this was all a dream so it wouldn't hurt me later. Her lips caught a sweet spot on my neck, making me relent and moan softly. Her hands were holding my skinny waist firmly, while I let my arms drape around her neck and my lips crash with hers. I always felt myself melt against her body. This always felt right for me, and I knew I wasn't just going through a stage. I was in love, irreversibly, and had been for years. The feeling of her body pressed against mine was amazing, and the taste of her kiss, beautiful. She tasted sweet, making me want more. I moaned again when her tongue slid past my lips and dancing with mine, seemingly fighting for dominance. I loved it. I allowed my tongue to follow hers back and explore her mouth, running very lightly over her teeth, and the tip of her tongue.

She pulled away after a minute or so, biting her lip and looking at me with a lust filled expression that I was sure I was mirroring. She winked and walked away, going back downstairs. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair while I recovered and got rid of the stars that flooded my vision, before following her down. Carey looked at me when I came in. She looked slightly hurt, betrayed. Behind her dazzling smile, was the evidance of pain, and jealousy towards Lena. I felt guilty, but didn't regret what I'd just done. She knew I loved Lena, as I've said to myself over and over again, and I would do whatever I could with her while I could. Then when we were older, we'd look back at it, in picture or whatever and fake a disgust at myself and her, saying how terrible we acted as kids and how ashamed of ourselves we should be for the pictures of us flaunting a fake sexuality. Even though we had become lesbian icons to the world, not just our Russian community.

Eventually, Carey took Lena home. She pecked my lips quickly while Carey was getting the car keys and hugged me before going out to the car. Carey asked me to stay behind while she dropped Lena off. I agreed so I could take control over the television while she was gone. Freddie jumped up on the couch beside me, licked my cheek wetly before laying beside me with his head in my lap. I smiled and petted his head. Settling down to watch some stupid cartoon that actually amused me called Tom and Jerry. About a cat and a mouse that were constantly trying to beat each other up, the mouse always ending up better off. I sighed and Carey returned after around twenty minutes. She didn't even come into me. I heard the keys get thrown on the side, her sneakers kicked off in the hallway, and she ran straight upstairs, her bedroom door slamming behind her. I switched the television off, listening carefully. Freddie didn't lift his head from my lap, but his eyes opened and his ears pricked. He whimpered softly. I stood up, letting his head drop on the couch cussion, and creapt upstairs. I leaned against her bedroom doorframe, listening to her soft sobbing. I bit my lip, unsure weather or not to get involved.

I wasn't there very long, her crying was getting to me and I was starting to well up. I rapped on the door gently. The sobbing cut off and it was silent. I could hear her breathing heavy to calm herself down before she said "Come in." weakly.

I slowly twisted the door knob, and closed the door behind me, she was leaning on the windowcil, looking out. The gentle breeze outside was blowing her short hair back and pushing the tears across her cheeks. I didn't say anything when she asked me what I wanted. I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. She broke down again. I turned her around and she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, sobbing onto my shoulder. I hugged her tightly, letting her get everything out before asking her what was wrong. I felt the material on my shoulder get wetter the more she cried. It was heart breaking to just see her in this state. Her light brown skinny tee shirt had a few stylish, yet unnatural creases in it that I ran my hand over softly while rubbing her back, calming her down, my other hand playing with her hair. She eventually pushed me away and I followed her into the bathroom while she wiped her eyes and washed her face in the bathroom mirror with cold water.

"Carey? Please, tell me what's wrong." I said quietly. A soft padding was heard before Freddie appeared at the top of the stairs and he made his way into Carey, head down, whimpering softly. She sat on the edge of the bath, head down and her eyes away from mine. I crouched down infront of her, and made me look at me.

"Please? You've always made me tell you what's wrong when I'm upset, it's your turn." She sighed and finally spoke.

"It's just my jealous nature, please Yulia, I don't want to talk about it." I nodded and followed her back downstairs. She went into the lounge and I put the kettle on, making up both a hot mug of coco. She smiled when I gave her it, whipped cream and all. She shook her head still smiling and took a sip, her eyes closing as the warm liquid burned her throat. I set mine beside me and curled up next to her, determined to find out what was wrong.

"Are you going to tell me why you were crying?" I asked softly, resting my hand on hers. She sighed and looked into the fireplace. It was dark, so it was the only light in the room.

"As I said, it's just my jealous nature."

"What are you jealous of though?"

"Lena." I suddenly felt awful. She'd been crying over me.

"Why?"

"Look, Yulia, you know why. You know how you felt when you had to watch Lena kissing Dylan, with his hands wandering all over her body don't you?"

"Yeah?"

"That's how I felt when you were upstairs with her and I heard you moan. Yulia, you know I love you. Unconditionally. I can't stop loving you. You actually don't understand how much you mean to me. Your everything to me, and my world. The sole reason I get up on a morning is to see you. If I'm not going to that day, I usually don't get up. I'm sorry you had to know this way, but it's true. I'm head over heels in love with you and it just hurts seeing you in love with Lena, but it's nothing that can be helped. It's not your fault and I'm just going to have to live with it." She sighed with tears lurking in her eyes again. I wrapped my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder. I glanced at the clock that told me it was ten past ten at night. Freddie had fallen asleep on the floor.

Carey kissed my temple softly and smiled at me, the tears gone from her eyes and the light that was there previously had been restored.

"This is so wrong." She whispered, her hand resting on my thigh.

"Why is it?"

"Yulia, I'm still kind of your teacher, your singing coach, and now your manager and posing to be your mum in this stupid school, yet im so in love with you. We've done things, illegal things. It's just so wrong."

"Is it wrong for you?" I asked, half hoping she'd say yes, that she might not want me, but knowing that would break me if she did.

"No. Everything with you feels so right, and so good a lot of the time." She added the last part on with a wink. I felt myself blush and an involuntary smile cross my lips.

"Same to be honest Carey."

"You don't like me like that, do you?" She sounded quite hopeful.

"Yes, if I'm honest. I'll be honest and say I'm not in love with you, but I do think your amazing, and I get butterflies when you kiss me and things. It was you who kind of turned me gay." She laughed and hugged me, awhing what I'd just told her.

"Why did I turn you gay?"

"Well, I hadn't really thought about anyone until you'd told me you were gay, then I started to look at you, and I realized I got butterflies the first time you kissed me, and everytime you hugged me, and I'd never looked at a guy, to me, they still had cooties, and yet, with you, and Lena...everything seems to right and normal." She smiled and looked at me sideways through her fringe. She looked so cute. I sighed and avoided her eye, but she turned my head and kissed my lips. I kissed her back, letting her swiftly lay me down on the loveseat and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist, her lips still kissing mine. I was happily kissing back, enjoying the feeling of her tongue occasionally meeting mine. It felt like I was in two split relationships, without actually been in one. I bent my knee slightly against her and she moaned at the sudden, unexpected friction. I smiled into the kiss and wrapped my arms tighter around her. I felt so loved and special, yet the thought that I was been unfaithful to one of them made me feel split, and broken. I didn't know what to do.