Curry, Togas and Green Fingers

Backstage at the Palomino Theatre.

Nick was just a little confused.

Up until roughly five minutes ago, he had been a rather handsome example of the male human being. Then, rather suddenly, he was a not-so-handsome very-rare example of the donkey-human hybrid, which this author struggles to name, but will venture a guess at a… hunky? Maybe not.

And now, as if that hadn’t been enough, there was some crazy woman who was clearly on drugs proclaiming that she loved him! Not that she wasn’t pretty hot. Male hormones dictated that Nick, even in his present state, couldn’t reject her attention.

Now, all this would have been ok, if it wasn’t for the fact that Nick was supposed to be going onstage in approximately six hours to play the entire Capulet and the entire Montague family, plus some other ambiguous characters, in a one-man stage version of Romeo and Juliet. At the moment it seemed as if the audience might have to allow for a one-man, one-woman show, which kind of destroyed the sentiment of this particular artistic venture. He’d always known he should have chosen the circus as a profession…

* * *

In a park across from the theatre – underneath an oak.

“Lisa!” moaned Hermes.

“What?” Lisa cried, twisting round, her blue toga catching on a bramble.

“Can we pleeeease stop?”

“What, here?” Lisa asked, waving a hand about.

“Yes!”

“Hermes, hunny, we’re in the middle of a park, you want us to sleep here for the night?”

“I didn’t say anything about sleeping,” Hermes grinned.

“Male hormones,” muttered Lisa.

* * *

East side of the park.

“I’m telling you, they’re gonna come through here,” Len mumbled.

“Well, this better not be one of your stupid tricks, Len,” Demi replied.

“What stupid tricks?” Len asked, hurt.

“You know, where you try and get me alone in order to get into my trousers? Well, in this case my toga?” she motioned to the red toga she’d donned for now-pointless reasons.

“Oh… yeah, well, it’s not that bad is it?”

“Len, I don’t like you. It’s not even a matter of not liking you ‘in that way’; I just don’t like you, full stop,” Demi explained.

“No need to be explicit,” Len grumbled, “I was happy in denial.”

* * *

In a secret under-tree lair.

“Did it work?” Oberon asked eagerly.

“Yes!” Chuck and Pia chimed in unison.

“Wahoo!” Oberon sang, flying upwards in excitement only to hit his head on the ceiling, “Ouch…”

Chuck and Pia had already commenced a play fight on the floor when he came back down. five-year-olds, even enchanted ones, seemed to have a habit of fighting wherever they could.

“You two, stop it!” Oberon cried, trying to grab the backs of identical checked shirts.

“Aw, uncle Ron…” moaned Pia.

“Yeah, uncle Ron,” Chuck grumbled.

“Enough with the ‘Uncle Ron’!” Oberon yelled, “It’s Oberon! And I don’t care if or how your mother is related to me. Now, I’ve got another job.”

“Oo, oo! Pick me, pick me!” the two cried.

Yikes, Oberon thought, this unison thing was spooky.

“I pick Puck,” Oberon said, combining their names to avoid a tantrum.

“Woot!” chorused the two, high-fiving.

“Right, now, there’s this girl in the park, roughly twenty, in a toga-”

“Toga?!” Chuck asked.

“Yes, but just listen ok? This girl has a perfectly charming young man attempting to woo her but she won’t have any of it…”

* * *

A little later, under the oak.

“Look look!” Pia grinned, pointing at a girl in a toga lying under the oak’s shadow.

“YIP-”

“Don’t wake her up!” Pia hissed.

“Oops… you got them?” Chuck asked, smiling in the manner of a sheep.

“Yup!” Pia grinned, flourishing the second pair of magical 3D glasses Uncle Ron had given her that night.

“Putthemonputthemonputthemon!” Chuck babbled.

“No way, then I’ll fall in love with you,” Pia groaned, “That would just be icky.”

“I meant on her, idiot!”

* * *

The East side of the park.

“Well, good one Helen,” Demi groaned, reverting to the nickname she knew Len hated, “You’ve just managed to waste two hours of my time, which means I’ve completely missed the toga-party, and you didn’t even make it worth my while by even attempting to kiss me!”

“I wasn’t gonna-” Len began.

“Ah ah ah!” Demi said, putting a finger across his lips.

Len grinned and kissed her fingers.

“Grr, you are despicable!” Demi groaned.

“But handsome,” Len smirked, “Come on, admit it! There’s some part of you, however deep down, that would really love to kiss me back-”

“WRONG!” Demi shouted, pushing him to a more respectable distance.

“Fine,” Len grumped, slumping.

“Look, do what you want, I’m going back to Theseus’s,” Demi frowned.

“Fine,” Len replied, still slumped.

“Well, are you coming?” Demi asked.

“No, I’m going to stay in this park until you realise that you like me.”

“Well, I guess this is goodbye then, cos you’re never gonna move,” Demi stormed off.

* * *

On the edge of the park, across from the theatre.

“Now, look, lady,” Nick brayed, “You’re very beautiful and I’d love to see your tree house, but I should really be rehearsing…”

“Shush, silly man,” the crazy woman said, putting a hand over his mouth/muzzle. Mozzle?

Nick attempted to say, Really, I should be going, but it came out more like, “Rellumshooin.”

The crazy woman giggled, and with surprising strength, dragged Nick into the park. She was leaning forward with clearly sexual designs, when ahead of them a man hovered out of the shadow of an elm. Nick blinked twice, attempting to persuade his eyes to stop giving the man wings and a distinctly green skin colour, and then gave up with a sigh.

“Titania, what a pleasure to see you…” Oberon chanted.

“Ronnie!” Titania gleamed, earning a dark look from said fairy, “Have you met my darling hunky?”

“No,” Oberon smirked, “Care to introduce me?”

“Ronnie – Hunky, Hunky – Ronnie,” Titania said.

Nick’s attempt to say ‘hello’ turned into an odd braying. He remembered that he had some cough sweets in his dressing room, and looked back longingly at the theatre through the trees.

“How did you two love-birds meet?” Oberon asked.

Nick didn’t like this odd man, he seemed to have something distinctly sarcastic about him. As if he’d somehow organised all of this… maybe he had, Nick thought, maybe it’s all a conspiracy. Maybe it’s one of those reality TV shows…

“Oh, it was love at first sight,” Titania giggled, tracing Nick’s elongated ears with a pale-green finger.

“Titania, it’s lucky that I ran into you actually-” Oberon started.

“Yes!” Titania cried, “Here!”

With a flick of the hand which wasn’t entwined in Nick’s, Titania pulled an Indian curry out of midair and passed it to Oberon.

“Oh, you’re too kind,” Oberon smiled gleefully, “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Titania giggled as Oberon disappeared through the trees.

“Now…” she said, turning around, “Where were we?”

* * *

Under the oak.

“Stupid girl,” Len grumbled, pushing past an oak branch, “She likes me really…”

He grunted as he tripped over something on the ground. Someone groaned, and a shaft of moonlight revealed a girl in a toga still half asleep on the floor.

“Lisa?” Len asked, crouching down.

“Len?” Lisa asked, her eyes widening, “O! Len!”

Len blinked as he was tackled to the floor.

“Lisa, are you alright?” Len asked, her face hovering inches from his, a euphoric expression taking over from the sleepy look which had been there seconds ago.

“I’m more than alright,” Lisa replied, “I’m finally seeing clearly!”

“Right…” Len said, gently easing Lisa off himself and standing up.

Quite suddenly, Len found himself backed into a tree, Lisa’s lips crashing onto his with a surprising amount of force.

“Um, Lisa,” Len mumbled, as she began kissing his neck, “Lisa, this is Len, not Hermes, Len, ok?”

“Oh, when God made you he knew what he was doing!” Lisa cried, twining her fingers into Len’s hair.

Len panicked. He twisted away and ran.

“Len!” Lisa called, “Darling, my love, come back!”

Len looked back to see Lisa chasing him, and ran faster.

* * *

On the outskirts of the park.

Oberon was just sitting down, ready to tuck into his curry, when a girl in a red toga, apparently lost, stormed past him. For a moment he didn’t think anything of it, but then he remembered the task he’d set to Chuck and Pia, and wondered why this girl wasn’t chasing that Len boy…

“Puck!” he yelled, outraged.

“Yes?” the twins cried in unison, appearing with a pop.

“Whose eyes did you put those glasses on?” he growled.

“A girl in a toga, early twenties, like you said,” they chorused.

“Was it this girl?” Oberon asked, pointing at the figure of Demi, who he’d frozen in place.

“Er, no,” Chuck said.

“That’s funny, she’s wearing a toga too…” Pia hummed.

“Garr!!” Oberon yelled, “You got the wrong girl!”

“Oops,” they grinned.

* * *

Under the oak.

Hermes was grumpy. Not only had Lisa rejected his advances again, but she had dared to do so proclaiming that it was because she loved him! If she really loved him, she’d do something with him… preferably sexual, and not making pancakes, although pancakes would be fine. Hermes liked pancakes…

Unable to sleep, he made his way over to where Lisa had camped down, determined to stare angrily at her sleeping form, as he wasn’t brave enough to do so when she was awake, only to find an empty space.

“Lisa?” he called.

The trees shivered a little, but nobody answered.

“Lisa?” he called, a little louder, “Aw, man… I must have really annoyed her.”

* * *

The park still.

Note: this scene cannot be placed in a particular area, as movement is constant.

“Len, darling, please!” Lisa cried, “How can I convince you of my undying affection for you glorious nature? Your loving soul, perfect body and passionate understanding! Why, you were sent from the heavens!”

“Look, it was funny for a minute,” Len mumbled, still running, “But now it’s really getting out of hand. I know you don’t love me, and as to my perfect body, I have bingo wings and I’m only twenty-five!”

“Your modesty does no justice to your beauty!”

“Oh shut up, would you!” Len cried, hot tears of annoyance pricking his eyes, “It’s really not very nice of you-”

Len was cut off as he walked into a tree. Only it wasn’t a tree, it was the frozen body of Demi, who was still spelled by Oberon. Oberon, crouched in a nearby branch, saw this and quickly spelled all three.

“Phew, that was close,” he said to himself, dropping down.

He ushered Chuck and Pia away, as they’d begun to poke curiously at the frozen people. He took out a second pair of 3D glasses and put them on the first frozen figure, the girl he’d originally intended them for.

“Right, shoo!” he cried at Chuck and Pia, “Go and find the other one that was with this girl. Now…”

Oberon briefly considered taking the glasses off the first girl, but… would it really matter if he left them on for a few minutes? Just to see what happened… Chuck and Pia disappeared into the forest laughing, and with a snap of his fingers, the three frozen figures came to life.

“Oh, Demi, I’m sorry,” Len apologised.

“You id-” Demi cried, twirling around.

Len closed his eyes, waiting for the insults. But they never came.

“Undying specimen of perfect humanity!” Demi cried, suddenly flinging her arms around him.

“Oh no, not you too,” Len moaned, “Look it’s not funny!”

“You gorgeous, sexy, athletic, clean-cut, virile man,” Demi continued, planting a kiss with each.

Len attempted to complain, but the site and feeling of the girl he’d crushed on for about two years traveling her way up his arm in clearly lustful kisses distracted him slightly.

“Oi!” Lisa yelled, snapping him back into the real-world, “What do you think you’re doing?!”

“What?” Demi asked, turning around protectively.

“That’s my man!”

“Yours! Oh, I beg to differ!”

“Oh dear,” Len groaned.

He had thought that Lisa coming on to him was a bad thing, Demi coming onto him was a dream come true, but now the two had combined and it was turning into a dreadful sexually-frustrated nightmare… He wondered vaguely whether this could get any worse. Then he cursed himself, because Hermes appeared between the trees.

“Uh-oh,” he sighed.

Oberon giggled from his perch in the trees, and began to rustle around for the curry. Beside him, Chuck and Pia swung around the tree in a manner which orangutans would have found hard to imitate.

“Lisa?” Hermes cried, “Oh, Lisa, I was worried I’d made you mad!”

“Hi Hermes,” Lisa nodded, “Oi! Demi, you bitch, leave Len alone!”

“Hang on, Lee! Where’d you go?”

“Go?” Lisa looked confused, “I was chasing Len.”

“You could have told me. What, hang on, why?”

“Because I love him,” Lisa proclaimed, staring wistfully towards Len, who gulped.

“Eh?” Hermes blinked.

“I love Len,” Lisa murmured, attempting to get past Demi.

The ‘getting past’ turned into a cat fight.

“What have you done?” Hermes cried angrily, staring at Len.

“Me?!” Len laughed, “Oh, that’s great! You’re in on this too, aren’t you! In fact, I bet it’s just to get me back for not getting you and Lisa an engagement present, isn’t it? Or is it because I’m not handsome enough to tempt Demi away from you?! Because you know, it’s really wearing thin now!”

“I’ve done nothing!” Hermes shouted, “You’ve obviously given Lee drugs or something…”

“How dare you!”

The verbal argument escalated into something far more physical and ugly. Oberon was tempted to laugh in his treetop perch, but then he realised that Demi was about to reach for a rather pointy stick to poke Lisa with, and he could just see the bloodstains seeping into his moss floor – it’d take ages to get that out. He sighed, abandoned his half-opened curry, and snapped his fingers.

Below him the two fighting pairs tumbled over, snoring.

* * *

Under the oak.

“Okay, put them down there,” Oberon said, rubbing his head, which seemed to have a rhinoceros attempting the can-can on top of it.

He still hadn’t finished the curry… After all the effort he’d been to to get it. He’d better eat it before he released Titania, or she’d have it back in a flash. The trees he’d brought to life settled back into the ground, and he was left in a clearing with four sleeping humans, and no sight of the twins, who he was supposed to be babysitting. He sighed again, and arranged the humans a little more artistically than the jumbled position the trees had left them in.

“There,” he breathed, when they finally looked like two peaceful couples.

He frowned for a moment, then unhooked the 3D glasses from the girl in the blue toga. Smiling, he disappeared off to his curry.

* * *

Dawn, under the oak.

“Well Hill, I think it was a very successful toga-party,” Mr T. Liddle, the tall aristocratic-looking owner of Theseus’s, smiled.

“Yes sir,” replied Mr H. Hill, a small bumbling man, who was currently rather flushed, “Very successful.”

“Oh, look!” Liddle cried, nearly ecstatic, “Here are some of our happy party-goers now! Halloo!”

Assorted sleepy groans announced the waking up of the two couples under the oak tree.

“Oh, sorry to wake you chaps,” Liddle apologised, “Didn’t see you fellows were asleep.”

“No problem sir,” Hermes mumbled, looking a little confused, “How did…”

“Hermes!” Lisa blinked, suddenly looking guilty, “Oh god I…”

Len watched Demi warily, who was looking rather bleary eyed, but watching him back with a rather odd expression on her face.

“Hope you all had a spiffing time,” Liddle said.

“Oh, yes… er, a few odd dreams though,” Hermes nodded, still looking confused.

There was a small thump as Demi tackled Len, a war of kisses implemented within minutes. Lisa grimaced and put a hand up to block them from view.

“Ah, Hill, look! Another happy couple,” Liddle sighed, “I think we should hold these toga parties more often.”

* * *

Up an ash tree.

Nick, now un-donkeyed, woke up.

“Okay…” he muttered, looking around, “So it either wasn’t a weird dream, or…”

He pinched himself.

“Oh dear,” he moaned.

He felt his face.

“Yes!” he cried, finding it free of fur.

“Could I perhaps escort you back to the theatre?” asked a small green man.

“If you would,” Nick nodded.

* * *

A little later, in the ash tree.

“OBERON!!” Titinia yelled, “YOU OWE ME A CURRY!”