The Hardest Part.

Mikey sighed as he straightened his skinny black tie in the full length mirror pushing it up as far as it would go with out completely choking him. He then took the black suit jacket that had hung off the arm of the chair in his room and shrugged it on, brushing it down into place. He dared to look at his face briefly only managing to take in the red rings around his eyes, his chapped lips and the gray tint that his skin had adapted over the past couple of days, before he looked away again swiftly leaving the room.

He slowly stepped down the stairs seeing his brother at the bottom of them, his arm rested on the banister, his car keys hanging off of his finger and his other hand rubbing over his forehead and eyes. Mikey cleared his throat, catching Gerard’s attention causing him to lookup and give a wry smile at Mikey.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked softly. Mikey nodded silently, avoiding looking Gerard in the eye and just heading straight out the front door. He briefly heard Gerard take a deep breath but ignored it, like he had been doing for the past few days.

Gerard clicked open the car doors and Mikey immediately got in the passenger seat and did up his seatbelt. He turned to look out of the window as Gerard silently got in, turned on the car and turned down the music on the radio to a gentle hum. He knew they wouldn’t talk but he didn’t want too much noise filling the silence either.

It took a mater of minutes to get to the church, barely worth the car journey if they were being honest. Gerard found a parking space across the road and the brothers left the car, still not uttering a word as they got out and crossed the street. Mikey stopped at the start of the path on the way up to the dark looming church, waiting on Gerard to catch up from where he was locking the car. A couple of people past him, some giving him confused looks. He knew none of them; they were just family members he never got the chance to meet.

Gerard joined him, stopping to look up at the church like Mikey was, before he placed a hand on Mikey’s shoulder. Mikey took a deep breath, through his nose, closing his eyes and biting down on the inside of his cheek. He cast a glance at Gerard, who looked back and just squeezed his shoulder.

“You can stop here. You don’t have to go in,” Gerard said, knowing Mikey’s fear of churches ever since their grandmother had died, knowing that this was going to be the hardest thing for him to do.

Mikey just shook his head, putting one foot in front of the other and starting to walk forward. Gerard’s hand slipped from his little brother’s shoulder as he followed, pushing his hands into the pockets of his suit trousers and starting the climb up to the church, keeping his eyes on the ground. Mikey did the same, any on lookers not knowing the mental battle he had going on in his head, fighting between his two greatest fears; churches and saying goodbye, and his loyal duty to do this.

Sooner than either of them would have liked they stepped out of the beautiful warm sunshine into the dark, cold church foyer. From there they could both see into the church down the aisle to where that dreaded coffin sat. Mikey eyes blurred and he reached blindly for Gerard’s hand, holding it tight, in his sweaty palm. Gerard squeezed back, making the first step into the main part of the church, before they started to hold anyone up behind them.

They walked side by side down the aisle, past the stares and whispers, to the front row on the right side of the church, to their reserved seats. Bob and Ray already sat, closest to the wall, Mikey and Gerard quickly joining beside them. Ray placed his hand on Mikey’s knee once he sat down, giving it a squeeze before removing his hand, Bob reaching round Ray and patting Mikey’s arm, only making him feel a hundred times worse.

Mikey stared straight on, finding a stained glass window of a bright yellow sun, settling over a hill, to focus on. The sun from outside was right on it, making it shine and sparkle, casting little rainbows on the floor underneath it. He let Gerard re-take his hand, closing his eyes, letting the water that had filled up in them tumble out from behind his lashes and splatter down his suit jacket.

Within, what felt like seconds a voice sounded from somewhere to the left of him, making his eyes snap open. He forced them to graze over the coffin and focus on the priest who stood with a sombre smile as he looked out in front of him, taking in the different faces.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen,” was what the priest had said and that was when Mikey tuned the rest out, looking back to the stained glass window, starting to inspect it, analyse ever little piece of it, forcing his mind to think about little trivial things.

He tried to think of what he had to do at home; the ironing, the vacuuming, dusting and general tidying up. But every aspect of that brought him back to the memory of Frank, his band mate, his best friend, boyfriend, lover and the reason why they were there today. He tried to think of anything that didn’t involve him but it was impossible, Frank was his life.

No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t help but hear the words filter through, unable to block them from intruding on his distraction. The words “Sadly missed,” “Great son, friend and partner,” stood out to him, shouting in his head, refusing to be ignored by him. Before he knew it, the part he was dreading the most was upon him.

“And now we will take a moment for some of Frank’s closest friends and relatives to say a few words,” the priest said stepping down from the podium. Frank’s parents were first to step up to the podium, like arranged, divided but united for the one thing that meant the most to them. Mikey was supposed to go next, but he couldn’t move, he was rooted to his seat, his eyes glassy and vacant. He didn’t want to be there. He was terrible at speaking in front of anyone, how would he manage it now?

“Gee?” he whispered, his voice barely audible, as he glanced at Frank’s parent’s struggling through their own speech.

Gerard heard him and turned to his brother, seeing the desperation in his eyes immediately and wishing more than anything to take that away from him. He nodded, letting Mikey know he had his full attention. Mikey reached into his inside suit pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to his big brother. Gerard gave a tiny smile and squeezed Mikey’s bony hand, knowing what he was asking him to do.

As if on cue, Frank’s parents left the podium and it was Mikey’s chance, only now it was Gerard’s. Gerard took a deep breath gently letting go of Mikey’s hand and standing up. Mikey gasped back a sob as he lost his security blanket. Ray quickly stepped up to that and grasped Mikey’s other hand. Mikey squeezed Ray’s calloused fingers in thanks.

Gerard stepped up the steps to the podium and turned to face the crowd. He was used to this, speaking in front of a lot of people, only this time it was much, much different. He didn’t have his best friend standing next to him, playing his heart out. Gerard glanced at the coffin only a few metres away, that he had just past without even glancing at it only seconds ago. His eyes filled with tears and he cleared his throat.

“I- I have a few words from my brother Mikey that he would like me to read out,” Gerard said before pausing, looking out to all the people that were either crying or staring blankly at him, and clearing his throat again. He unfolded the piece of paper and prepared to read the words on it for the first time.

“I was never best with words; they were always Gerard’s speciality. I started this speech telling you all how amazing and fun and unique and special Frank was. And then I realised that you should have already known that. So I started again and this was what I got.

“Frank was more than a friend to me, even more than a best friend. To put it simply, I loved him. He was my life support. I needed him.

“Most of you here today, won’t have known who I was to Frank, not really. Yes he was my band mate and my best friend but he was also my partner and no matter how cliché it is to say it, I love him more than anything. And he loved me. I do nothing but treasure every moment that I spent with him, for now I realise that I took it for granted.” Gerard said, taking a deep breath as his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. He looked up again, over at Mikey to see him with his eyes closed and his face streaked with tears.

Gerard took another shaky breath, the paper in his hand shaking as he started again. “He affected so many people’s lives with his music and his uplifting smile, putting so much time and effort into everything he did to make it his best, never anything less. Even though I and nearly everyone else taunted him about his height, everyone knew deep down that he was the one with the most life and energy and personality out of anyone twice his size.

“I will never say goodbye to him, because I know I would never be able to bring myself to do it, and so he will remain a huge part of everyone’s lives as the best son, relative or friend anyone could have asked for.” Gerard said, as the words on the crumpled paper stopped. He could see where the paper had gotten wet from Mikey’s tears, where it had crinkled and the ink had run. He wiped his own eyes briefly before nodding and stepping down.

He had nothing left to say after that, Mikey’s writing stopping abruptly there but he had managed to fit everything he could have wanted to say and more into the speech and the fact that he didn’t know if he would be able to go on and still be audible. No one would manage to top that speech, because he knew how much Mikey meant every word of it. He slowly walked over to where he had previously sat, ignoring the coffin that held his best friend, shocked to find that Mikey was no longer there.

Gerard looked at Ray and Bob questionably, as he sat down, both of whom shrugged. “He just left dude, we couldn’t stop him,” Gerard didn’t want to seem rude by leaving while another relative was talking, but he had the greatest urge to get up and run after his brother.

His brotherly instincts took first place and he tried discreetly to leave down the main aisle, having no other choice, keeping his head down as he did so. He looked up as soon as he got to the foyer and took a deep breath, for about the millionth time that day. He stepped outside as a gust wind swept past the door and the sun continued to beat down on the hill that the church sat upon.

He scanned his surroundings almost missing Mikey’s skinny figure resting against the side of the church in the shadows, having to do a double take to notice him. He had his face in his hands and his shoulders were shaking violently.

“Mikey,” Gerard said just above a whisper, not intending for anyone to hear him, the name just spilling from his lips before he could stop it, from a mix of shock and sympathy. He quickly stepped over to where Mikey was, placing himself in front of him. Mikey looked up, his eyes even more swollen then before and his cheeks flushed with the first sign of colour in a week, from crying.

Gerard opened his arms to which Mikey fell into them, holding on tight to the back of Gerard’s suit jacket, his hands taking a fist full of the material and his head burying into his shoulder. Gerard held Mikey’s head against his shoulder his other arm fitting securely around his frame. He closed his eyes trying not to cry with him, wanting to be the stronger older brother that he was meant to be.

“I miss him, Gerard.” Mikey mumbled. Gerard just nodded against the side of Mikey’s head, not wanting to say anything in fear of breaking his exterior of being the stronger one. As Mikey cried harder Gerard felt he had to say something.

“I know. I’m here Mikey. I’m here.” He said pathetically, coming up with nothing better, words failing him now when they mattered most. He wondered whether this would ever get better for Mikey having lost the most important person in his life. It was hard enough for him to deal with it; he couldn’t imagine how bad it would be for Mikey. He knew he would have to make sure he was around to try and make it better. It was the only thing he could do now.