Deafened by Your Screams

I’d been bundled on the train to Cardiff Central within ten minutes of the conversation ending. A train time table, a bottle of Sprite and all my luggage in one of those small, red seats hurtling across the country which could explode with the flames of Hell at any second. So, a reassuringly safe journey, of course.

It was about three and a half hours before I got to Cardiff, then a last train change at midnight to Pontypridd got me into the town at about half an hour later. I was knackered, and to be honest…I was kinda scared. If being waltzed all the way across England and into Wales at the most insane time when the train could be overrun by pissed off smoke patterns wasn’t enough, I was actually worried to see my own family. The truth was that even though I used to visit a lot, I hadn’t seen mum or my little brother in about a year now. I just sort of made excuses to stay for Christmas and the summer, getting too caught up in my own little world to revisit my old one.

There was nothing wrong with them. I loved them. I just felt like whenever I went back, they’d resent me for not doing it sooner. I had no choice now though, it was nearly 1am and I was in some town I’d only visited a few times before. A taxi was waiting for me there; meaning mum probably still hadn’t renewed her driving licence, despite it being about three years since it ran out.

She was never good with keeping up with stuff like that.

I pulled up at the small terraced house in record time, there was no traffic about in the wee hours of the morning, big surprise that. The driver must have been paid before since he drove off as soon as I got out without so much as a blink of further acknowledgment, and I thought Londoners were rude. Shuffling down the drive I put my fist briefly against the door and knocked out the same sure I did whenever I knocked. A brisk dun-da-da-dun-dun…dun dun that I kinda hoped mum would recognize as my signature before answering.

The door opened and a tall, skinny boy with short dirty blond hair stood in front of me. His jaw line was littered with the first hints of facial hair, he was nothing how I remembered him…if it hadn’t been for the dull but cheeky expression on his face, I don’t think I’d recognise the suddenly mature face of my younger brother. Jay had literally shot up, just like I had, but it seemed like he’d gone through the wonders of puberty a lot more elegantly than I had. His clothes weren’t all weird and too short from his growth spurts, he didn’t have and awkward way of standing and…the bitch actually had facial hair. Something I’d never achieved, even now.

“Hey. You’re not fat anymore!” Was Jay’s greeting, in a newly deep tone I hadn’t heard yet. His voice had broken too.

Ok, so he wasn’t that mature personality wise…but god. He’d really grown up.

He was pushed aside by the short bustling figure of my mother, who grabbed me about the neck and tugged me downward into a fiercely tight embrace.

“Shut up, Jay! Let him get in the door!” she scolded while turning my face so her lips could repeatedly smack against it in that horrid way mum’s do when they can’t help but smother their children. “Oh look at you, Sean! You’re so tall! Oh my god, look at you.”

She eventually released me and looked up, her face brimming with emotion as she took my bag and yanked it into the hallway for me. I was finally able to step in properly and close the door, shutting out the cold. I hadn’t said anything yet, I didn’t know what to say. Would anything really make any difference?

“It’s true though,” Jay reasoned, scratching at his stomach and eyeing me up and down. “He’s not fat like he used to be.”

“Don’t be so nasty, he wasn’t fat. He doesn’t even want to be here, so don’t start this by being rude.”

My heart sank at her words. She didn’t think I wanted to be here. Ok, I didn’t…but…she made it sound so venomous, like I was being held prisoner here, like I hated being in their presence. That wasn’t the case at all, I just felt…odd leaving dad on his own, especially now.

“Mum,” I quickly reasoned, guilt making my voice fast but sort of whiny. “It’s not like --”

“I’m complimenting him! He looks alright now! Still a bit…y’know…--”

“I do wanna be here, I just --”

“He was pretty big. All that shit he u--”

We were back to talking over each other. Just like we used to. Even when we were little, I was usually whining loudly about nobody paying attention to me while he tried to say I’d pushed him over. I never pushed him over. Slapped him, maybe, pinched him and poked him in the eye…but I wasn’t a pushing sorta guy.

He had a point though. I’d really slimmed down, I’d lost a lot of it quite recently with all the stress about London, it wasn’t and intentional sort of thing at this point. Before, though, I’d played rugby and football with Gavin on the school team, I wasn’t tat bad at rugby, but football just looked like some mad blond flailing down a field in the wrong direction. I felt my chest twinge a little on realising I wouldn’t see Gavin again, though the thought was quickly pushed from my mind.

Mum just smiled at us and shook her head until we stopped. Jay made a funny sort of noise and took my bag, heading up the stairs while mum turned to go into the kitchen for now.

“You gotta share my room,” Jay commented, lugging the bag up the steps quickly. “Nigel’s got the spare room turned into a study.”

“…Nigel?” I asked, my brow knitting in confusion, eyes darting about as if to look for him.

“Jay! I told you to let me handle it!” mum shouted suddenly, her voice disembodied from inside the kitchen.

“Oh yeah,” was the teenager’s only reply as he too disappeared from sight, now on the landing.

I stood in the hallway, exhausted, confused and kinda wanting people to talk when in view rather than just walking off all the time. There was no ‘how are you?’ going on, everything was sudden in a casual sort of way. Half of me felt like I didn’t know these people at all, that so many changes had gone on that I didn’t really feel like they were my family anymore, the other half felt like despite all this, with the way they were acting, it was like I’d only gone out with some friends for a few hours.

“Mum? Who’s Nigel?” I asked, following her into the small blue kitchen. She was checking the oven, probably making me some food in that motherly we’ve-got-to-feed-you-up sort of way, and looked up at me as if I’d asked her a totally alien question.

“What, dear?”

“Who’s Nigel?” I repeated.

“Oh, don’t worry about that now. Just sit down, god, you must be exhausted.”

I paused and looked at her, knowing that this was something I wouldn’t like at all. Although it was pretty obvious what was going on, I didn’t want to believe it. I sat down at the table and pulled the salt shaker towards me, needing something to fiddle with, sort of like a stress ball.

“Good boy,” she shuffled over and stroked at my hair. “Roots are coming through. I’ll get you a dye.”

I smiled weakly and leant my head against her a little, feeling a little overwhelmed all of a sudden. It had really hit me that I was staying here. That this was what I was going to have to get used to; my weird brother who was suddenly a proper teenager, a mother who always skimmed over the important things and focused on getting a cup of tea…and some bloke called Nigel that had turned my room into a study. Some bloke who was probably dating my mum. Some bloke who was muscling into the void me and my dad left.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, gripping the salt shaker tightly.

I’d missed all this. I’d missed so much. Why didn’t I just fucking…visit? Keep in touch properly? Then this wouldn’t be so surreal and strange. Stupid Sean.

“I’m glad you’re here. I know you want to make sure H…your dad is ok…but you need to think about you too, yeah? You’re safe here,” she said, quieter than I’d probably ever heard her as she gently lifted the locks on the top of my head, one arm firmly around my shoulders. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you.”

She leant in and kissed the crown of my head, holding me tightly, like she never wanted to let go again.

I sighed slightly, fighting back a few tears. What the hell had I done?

“M’sorry…” I rattled out. “Sorry I left.”

“What? Oh, Sean, don’t be like that. I understand.”

She tried to comfort me, rubbing at my shoulder and hugging my head, the same sort of things she used to do even when I was little.

“But…I shouldn’t have. Jay’s grown up and…you have some…Nigel bloke…who is he?” I asked again, sadly.

She sighed. “I knew it’d upset you…he’s a guy I’ve been seeing for a while, hon. It’s nothing too serious.”

“He’s living here!” I said, pulling away and looking up at her, not caring how stupid I looked and felt with tears in my eyes.

“He lived here before. We needed the money so he lodged here. Something just…happened. Sean, please don’t be mad at me. I can’t help it. He’s a nice guy, you’ll see.”

I looked down again and shrugged, slowly letting go of the abused salt shaker and rubbing my face. “Ok…sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she soothed.