Fact Not Fiction

I blinked a couple of times as the room began to spin after my...well I’d lost count, but I knew that the amount of shots I’d taken had well risen into double figures. In fact, my estimation was that it had hit double figures around an hour ago and on top of everything else I’d been drinking, I was now pretty smashed.

Not that I’d admit it.

“Come on dude,” Brian clapped me on the back, his fingers curling over my shoulder. “You’ve had enough. I’m taking you home.”

I shrugged him off and grabbed the bottle of beer in front of me. “I haven’t had enough. I haven’t had nearly enough. I can still fucking think therefore I can still fucking drink.”

Brian looked over at the other guys, a certain amount of pleading for help in his eyes. Matt sighed and ran his hand down his face before rising from his seat and walking around the booth to where I was sitting. He grabbed my arm and forced me to my feet, but due to the amount I’d had since we had got to Johnny’s I simply stumbled against the table.

“Good going there Vengeance,” Jimmy chuckled and I flipped him off, bringing the beer up to my lips and taking a good long swig from it. “But seriously, you’re fucking wrecked. Just let Brian take you home.”

“I’m not wrecked,” I muttered. “I’m fine.”

I pushed Matt out of the way and made my way, all be it sloppily, towards the bar. I ordered myself another drink, not missing the reluctant way the bartender went to get my drink or the look he gave someone over my shoulder. Two guesses who he had shared the look with.

I ran a tired hand down my face and forced a smile of thanks as the bartender gave me my drink. I passed him his money before grabbing up the glass and knocking back the liquid that was sloshing about within it. I waved down the bartender so I could get another drink but he ignored me. I growled quietly and slid off the stool, patting down my pockets and coming up with my packet of cigarettes.

I brought one up to my lips and glanced around the bar, my eyes landing on all the girls and running my gaze over their figures. None of them really took my fancy. Not a single one caught my attention. Not the way that...

I shook my head away from my thoughts and moved my gaze away, only to find it on a couple that looked very happy. They were sitting a couple of tables away from where my group was seated and were sitting so close to one another that the girl might as well have been sitting in his lap. I swallowed as I watched the way he brushed her hair away from her face, saying something to her that made her jaw drop a little and for her to giggle and smack him on the chest lightly.

As I watched them, all I could see was how we’d once been.

I shook my head again and moved my gaze once more, but this time landing on Brian. He raised his eyebrows and motioned to the door, waving his car keys at me. I rolled my eyes and growled quietly to myself again before stomping to the entrance of the bar. I had no intention of going home. Not whilst I was still able to think somewhat coherently.

I brought my lighter up to the cigarette that was still between my lips and sparked up, closing my eyes as I inhaled and sighing quietly as I blew the smoke out. I leant against the wall and chewed at one of my lip rings, tapping my cigarette to rid it of the ashes that had gathered before bringing it to my lips again.

“Zack, let’s just get you home okay?”

I opened my eyes and looked over at Brian dispassionately.

“I don’t want to go home.”

“I don’t really care at the moment what you do want,” Brian pointed out. “I care about what you need. And you need to stop fucking drinking and to go home.”

I shook my head and brought the cigarette back to my lips, sucking in a breath and feeling the smoke settle in my lungs before I let it out.

“What’s the point in going home?” I asked him. “So you can then leave me alone and go home to Lyndsey? If you want to go home so fucking badly then fine, but I want to stay here.”

Brian muttered something under his breath and ran a hand through his hair, tugging a little at the ends in stress.

“There’s no point in you staying here,” Brian voiced.

“Why not?”

“Because they’re refusing to serve you anymore,” he told me.

I shrugged and threw my cigarette to the ground, stomping it out and pushing myself off the wall.

“Then I’ll go somewhere else.”

I went to walk away but Brian grabbed my arm and began to drag me the other way. I pulled my arm out of his grip and shoved him away from me.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” I growled through my teeth.

“For God’s sakes Zack! This isn’t fucking right,” Brian shouted, stunning me into silence for a moment. “I get that you’re hurting. I get that. But drinking yourself to sleep isn’t going to make the hurt any less. You are still going to be fucking hurting in the morning.”

I glared at him before turning to walk away from him, not wanting to have this conversation that I’d managed to avoid for the last couple of weeks.

“Don’t fucking walk away from me,” Brian barked and I spun on my heel, wobbling a little bit as I stared at my best friend. “You need to talk about this.”

“Why do I need to talk about it?” I retorted. “You really think it will do me any good talking about it? She’ll still be gone.”

“Yeah she will but you drinking isn’t going to bring her back is it?” Brian shouted at me, his question completely rhetorical as he carried on shouting. “Don’t you want her back?”

“Does it matter what I fucking want? She left me. What I want doesn’t fucking matter,” I muttered, what little fight in me gone.

Brian rolled his eyes before striding over to me and grabbing my arm again. This time I went with him willingly, stumbling over my feet every so often as he led me to his car. I climbed into the passenger seat and stared blindly out of the window, blinking a couple of times in a pathetic attempt to get rid of the stinging feeling in the back of my eyes.

I heard Brian open the other door and then felt the car dip a little as he climbed in, the door slamming shut after him and then he just sat there. I glanced at him to see he was staring at the steering wheel, his hands at ten and two as he drummed his fingers against it slightly.

“I don’t know what to say to make you feel better,” Brian explained quietly but didn’t look at me. “I’m shit at this kind of thing. Lyndsey would be better but she wants your ass on a platter for doing what you did to Sarah.”

I rolled my eyes, still not understanding completely why everyone was taking Sarah’s side in all this. She was the one that left me. I looked back out of the window and rubbed my forehead as I stared out into the dark.

“I don’t even know if I want to say anything to make you feel better,” Brian admitted after a moment or two of silence. “You did treat Sarah like shit...”

I opened my mouth to protest but Brian just carried on talking.

“You did, man. And you know that I’ve always got your back but you started...I don’t know. It was like you’d just got complacent around her. You knew she was going to be here for you but you never seemed grateful for it. It was like you expected her to be there because she always had been,” Brian told me, his voice still quiet and when I looked at him he was still staring at the steering wheel. “You two had been together for ages and...when you started out, you two were perfect for each and you knew exactly how the both of you felt for one another by just looking at you. But by the end of it, you had lost your energy for the relationship. Sarah just felt like you weren’t interested anymore. Like you looked at her and all you saw was grey. She thought that you had lost interest, just like you had with all those other girls. Like you had said ‘I love you’ but didn’t mean it. Like it was just fiction to you.”

I looked over at Brian to see he was staring at me now, his eyebrows raised a little as he shrugged.

“I don’t blame her for leaving you but I do blame you for not trying harder to get her back. All you do is go out and drink. You need to figure out a way to prove to her that you still love her.”

I didn’t say anything to that, just looked out of the window again but only so Brian didn’t realise how much his words had actually affected me. I heard Brian sigh and mutter something before I heard the soft purr of his car engine and soon we were backing out of the bar car park. I chewed at my piercings as I watched the world pass us in a blur and mulled over what Brian had said, trying to figure out if that was really the way that I had treated Sarah.

Sure I wasn’t as vocal with the way I felt towards her as I had been at the beginning of the relationship, but we’d been together for nearly four years now I didn’t think it needed saying. I just thought she knew.

I walked into our house, chucking my keys into the bowl by the door and jogging up the stairs to our bedroom. I could hear Sarah moving about inside the room and I smiled to myself, thinking that we had a few hours to kill before she had to go and meet up with Lyndsey and what better way to kill those hours than to have a bit of fun.

I pushed the door open and smirked a little as I saw Sarah’s body, bent double as she picked something up from the bottom of the wardrobe. I cocked my head to the side as the tight denim of her jeans outlined her ass and thighs perfectly but my smirk fell as she straightened up and dumped what was in her arms into a suitcase.

I straightened up as I noticed that there were two other suitcases, already shut and by the way they bulged a little they were already full.

“Sarah? What’s going on?”

She looked over at me with glassy eyes and shrugged as she shut the suitcase and did the clasps up. She ran her fingers through her hair before glancing around the room as if she was checking to see if she had everything.

“Sarah? Fucking tell me what’s going on,” I demanded as I stepped into the room.

“I’m leaving,” she replied emotionlessly as she picked up the suitcase and dumped it on the floor.

“What? Why?” I asked in a panic, stepping closer to her.

“Because if I don’t, I’m going to go insane.”

My brow furrowed as she said this and my mind couldn’t quite get to grips with what it meant. I didn’t understand what she was talking about and it took me a moment to realise that she had walked passed me with two of the suitcases in her hands. I shot after her, grabbing her arm once she reached the top of the stairs and stopping her.

“What do you mean by that? Sarah, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“No,” she retorted and tried to pull her arm from my grip but I wouldn’t let go. “Zacky, let me go.”

“Not until you tell me why you are leaving...no, fuck that. Not until you tell me that you’re staying.”

Sarah scoffed and tried to yank her arm away from me again but I held firm. I wasn’t letting her go like this.

“I’m not staying,” she huffed and tried once more. “Seriously Zack, let me go.”

I shook my head and went to say something but Sarah screamed over me.

“Let me fucking go!”

She yanked her arm once more and with so much force that she nearly went flying down the stairs. I managed to catch her before she did and only her suitcases fell. My heart was thundering in my chest as I looked down at my girlfriend, wondering what the hell was going on in her head.

“Let go of me,” she growled and pushed me away from her so she could stalk back into our bedroom to get her last suitcase.

I gaped a little, seeing as I had just stopped her from falling down the stairs, and dumbly watched as she jogged down the stairs. I ran after her once my brain caught up with reality and caught her just as she left the house.

“Don’t fucking walk away from me without telling me why.”

Sarah threw her suitcases in the back of her truck before turning and looking at me. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the tears falling down her cheeks, leaving black trails with them due to the heavy black make up she wore around her eyes.

“I’m leaving you because I love you,” she told me, her chin wobbling a little as her voice trembled. “Because if I don’t then I’m just going to end up more hurt than I already am. Because you’re bored and I can’t take it...because I don’t actually know if you love me anymore.”

She took a deep breath and opened her truck door, one foot already in the cab before she looked back at me.

“I’m leaving you because in the time you’ve known I was leaving, you never gave me a reason to stay,” she whispered, the words breaking a little.

Before I could reply she jumped into her truck and quickly roared it into life before pulling out of the driveway and doing as she said she would.

She left me.

I rubbed a hand across my face as tears began to fall and looked up as the car came to a stop. Out of the window I could see my house and I knew that the moment I stepped inside of it I would feel cold and empty once more. It was one of the main reasons why I didn’t like to stay in there and why I chose to go out.

The reason I drank? It was to get rid of the memory of Sarah’s broken expression as she told me why she was leaving.

“Thanks for the lift,” I muttered to Brian before climbing out of his car and stumbling towards my front door.

I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled my keys out, squinting a little as I tried to find my front door key before ramming it into the lock and letting myself in. I slammed the door shut behind me and chucked my keys into the bowl by the door, hearing my keys fall to the floor as I missed but I didn’t care.

I sluggishly walked over to the stairs, feeling a little drunker than I had been as tiredness began to set in. I literally fell onto my bed, my back hitting the mattress with a quiet thump as my head hung off the side slightly. I turned my head and looked over to my bedside table, seeing a picture of Sarah and me from a few years back. The image was upside down but my mind instantly turned Sarah the right way up. I felt my eyes sting a little again and rubbed my fingers against them, not wanting to cry.

I sighed and heaved myself to an upright position, my eyes catching a glimpse of one of the random magazines I’d thrown on the floor earlier. A big busted blonde woman was on the front cover in nothing but the world’s tiniest bikini. It had no affect on me whatsoever.

All I wanted was the red head in that photo by my bed.

I flopped backwards and pulled my phone from my pocket, flipping it open and pressing the number 2 and then the call button letting my speed dial do most of the work for me. I put my phone to my ear and held my breath as I glanced at the clock.

7:03

It went straight to her voicemail and I almost cried when I heard her voice.

“Hey, this is Sarah. I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Bye.”

I swallowed and as the phone beeped, signalling that I needed to leave a message.

“Hey. It’s Zacky...I just...God, I just want you to come home. I should have given you a reason to stay like you wanted me to. And I had a reason. Fuck I still have the reason,” I managed to choke out as I pushed a hand under my pillow and drew out the box that housed the engagement ring I had been planning on giving her. “But I think it’s too late. Fuck, I love you so much Sarah just...I just want you home. Please. I need you to know that everything I have ever said to you has been true. I’ve always loved you. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

I hung up, not having anything else to say as I looked at the box in my hands.

For the first time in years, my heart was breaking.