I Will Not Kiss You

I’m going to my Dad’s tonight. He and Mom divorced when I was younger. This is what a married couple get when they aren't in love anymore; it means they aren't married anymore. I live with Mom but I spend two nights a week at Dad’s. I stay with Dad on a Wednesday and a Friday. Sometimes, I think Mom and Dad divorced because of me.

When I was younger, Mom used to get angry with me sometimes and say ‘Maybe if you’d been different, we’d still be a fucking family’. She always said sorry afterwards and hugged me but it still stung me. Mom thinks I can’t remember it but I have a good memory and it’s hard to forget something like that. My parents used to fight a lot because of me. That’s because looking after someone like me isn’t always an easy task. Once, when I was about six, Mom got new curtains and I screamed because it was different and I didn’t like it. They couldn’t do anything to shut me up; they just had to wait until I stopped.

I don’t scream like that as often as I used to. That’s because I’m older and I know that I can’t go around screaming all the time. But there are still times when I just can’t help myself. The last time I screamed was three months ago and that’s because I didn’t want to play football in gym (because it’s a contact game) and the sub we had that day shouted at me. I got scared when he shouted at me because I don’t like it when people shout at me. He didn’t know about me which is why he shouted; he thought I was just being lazy. Then he put his hand on my shoulder and tried to push me forwards; so I screamed because I didn’t know him and I wasn’t expecting it. And I carried on screaming, when he put his hand on my shoulder again to try and calm me down, and I fell onto the ground and kept screaming. Mikey had to explain everything and wait for me to stop screaming. Everyone was staring at me and crowding around me which made me even more scared; so I screamed even louder.

Dad said Mikey can come over tonight. I decided I was going to sit by the gate and ask him when he came out. We’re in the same classes together but today I had to go and see the support staff for last period.

I perched uncomfortably on the gate, waiting for Mikey to come out. While I was waiting, Ellis came past me and lashed his arm out to me mockingly. I automatically jerked backwards and fell off the gate, almost landing on my neck, much to Ellis’s amusement.

“You asshole!” I yelled, climbing up from the ground and dusting myself off.

Ellis and his friends all laughed at me and continued their route out of the gate and down the road. I silently thought of bad names for them all and climbed back up onto the gate. One of the support teachers came over to me. Her name’s Chrissie. Her hair is a honey blonde colour and very long. She’s a very skinny lady and wears tight-fitting clothes that show off her figure. Her eyes are light blue and they shine when she laughs. She’s very pretty and I know that she’s getting married soon. She brought a magazine in once to show me the dress she’s gonna’ wear. It’s a figure-hugging dress. It’s ivory silk and she’s going to wear her hair down with a tiara. She wants to have a bouquet of lilies or white roses. When she told me all this, I pictured it in my head and said that she’ll look very pretty. She laughed and called me a little sweetheart; she also promised to bring in some photos to show me. Chrissie stood beside the gate and looked up at me.

“Frank, you shouldn’t really sit up there in case you fall and get badly hurt!” She explained “Can you get down please? I just saw you fall off from my office! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I replied, getting down from the gate like she asked.

I like it when the support staff explain stuff to me because they explain exactly what I mustn’t do and why I mustn’t do it. And sometimes, they tell me what I should do instead. Mikey does this as well because he used to come to the support classes with me so that they could teach him about the way my mind works and how it’s different to his. He started coming when they first told him and they asked him to stop coming when we were twelve. I didn’t like it because it was different not having him there. When Mikey came along, we used to play and talk and stuff; but when he stopped coming, the teachers wanted to work on my social skills and I didn’t like it.

“Was Ellis being nasty again?” Chrissie asked.

That’s the one thing that annoys me. Chrissie talks like I’m still a small child. I have special needs; I’m not an idiot. Why she can’t just say ‘Was Ellis taking the piss out of you again?’ I’ll never know. She won’t lose her job, it’s not like I’m going to tell anyone!

“Yeah!” I replied.

“Are you going to tell anyone?”

“I’m telling you.”

“But who are you supposed to tell?”

“A senior member of staff.”

“And are you going to?”

“No."

“Why not?” She questioned.

“No point.”

She sighed, which made me a little angry. It’s my decision as to whether I tell anyone that Ellis picks on me, not hers. I know I should tell someone but it’s not like they can do anything about it. They’ll tell him not to and then he’ll just keep on doing it. I know this because that's what happened when I told a senior member of staff that Ellis's friend Brad was making fun of me.

“Hey, Frank,” Mikey said, joining us “Hey, Chrissie.”

“Hi, Mikey,” She smiled “You okay?”

“Yeah thanks; you?”

“I’m fine thank you,” She replied.

There was a bit of an awkward silence after that; so Chrissie excused herself and walked towards the teacher parking lot.

Mikey smiled and slowly lifted his arms to give me a hug. That’s allowed because I know he’s going to touch me and it doesn’t hurt. If he just grabbed me, I’d get scared and shout at him. I hugged Mikey back as he slowly put his arms round me.

“What’s up?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I replied “I’m going to Dad’s tonight, d’you wanna’ come?”

He stopped smiling. I knew I’d said something wrong but I didn’t understand what.

“Oh. . .” He wavered “I’d love that, Frankie; honest but my brother’s coming home tonight. . . and, well. . . you know I haven’t seen him for ages. . .”

I know that Mikey has an older brother but I’ve never met him. We’ve known each other since we were seven but I’ve never set foot in the Way household. It’s because I’ve never been there before and I don’t like new places. Mikey repeatedly asks me over, I think it’s what the support staff told him to do. All I know about Mikey’s brother is that he’s twenty. I’ve met Mrs Way because she’s friends with my Mom so she used to come over when Mikey came round to play. Her name’s Donna and I know Mr Way is called Donald but I’ve never met him before.

“I’m sorry, Frankie,” Mikey apologised “If it’d been any other night, I’d come! You know that, right?”

“I know,” I replied “You sure you can’t come for a little while?”

“I would,” He explained “But Gee’s gonna’ be there when I get home! I’ve really been looking forward to seeing him-“

“I get it,” I interrupted “I know he means a lot to you! I wouldn’t like it if someone asked me to come over when I’m going to see Dad.”

Mikey smiled and slowly reached out to hug me again. I hugged back.

“Thanks for understanding, Frankie,” Mikey muttered, letting me go.

I must’ve looked disappointed because he slowly put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a quick squeeze.

“Tell you what,” He said “I’ll walk with you to your Dad’s and then walk home through Claydon road, yeah?”

I cheered up when he said that and nodded. So we walked down the road towards my Dad’s house.