I Will Not Kiss You

I knocked on the door at the end of the hall on the left because I know that's Gerard's room. Someone was sniffling in there and I assumed it was him because their parents were out and Mikey was downstairs. He said 'What?' and I opened the door shyly, peeking my head around the door. Gerard was sitting cross-legged on his bed with a whole bunch of tissues screwed up in his hand. His eyes were red and puffy. There was a framed photo on the bed with him but the glass was cracked.

His bedroom was painted dark blue but there were posters and drawings pinned to the wall and I wondered if they were to try and hide the colour. His bed sheets were all black. There were two t-shirts, one pair of jeans and four pairs of boxers thrown on the floor. I guessed they were for the washing because it would be stupid to put clean clothes on the floor. Gerard's desk was messier than Mikey's and I could see paints and a glass of dirty water with paintbrushes in it on there, as well as paintings and a copy of 'Trainspotting'. There was a very faint smell if cigarettes and I saw an, almost full, ashtray on top of his clothes drawers.

"What d'you want?" Gerard asked.

I didn't like the way he was talking to me. He sounded angry with me like Dad sounded whenever he'd sent me to my room and I came out for a drink or something. I could see that he was still crying when he looked up at me and wondered if he wanted me to go away. When I'm sad, I like to be left alone. So I turned to leave again but he talked again.

"Frank? Wait... I'm sorry; I didn't mean it to come out like that."

So I turned back to look at him. He patted the mattress and asked if I wanted to sit with him. Mikey had asked me to 'check he's not doing anything stupid and sit and talk to him' so I sat opposite him and crossed my legs. He smiled at me but it looked wrong because he was still crying. I considered leaning over and hugging him for a moment but then I felt scared. He was watching as I momentarily tried to lean closer but stopped myself when I felt scared.

"Are you sad?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Because of what Mikey said about Bert?"

"Yes. But it was all true. Bert's a very selfish person, he'll hurt anyone and not give it a second thought as long as he gets what he wants. We're still 'friends' now so I shouldn't really be saying that about him."

"You're not doing anything wrong by stating the truth."

He smiled again and said "I wish we could all see things the way you do."

And I didn't know what to say. It was a nice thing to say and it made me feel happy. Gerard sniffed and dabbed his eyes with the tissues he was still holding. He looked down at the smashed photo in front of him again. I looked too.

"That's me with Bert." Gerard said.

It was a photo of Gerard with a man with long black hair that very nearly touched his shoulders. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and Gerard was in a black shirt with a black leather jacket on over the top. Gerard had his arm around him and they were both grinning with their teeth showing. Bert was snuggled comfortably under Gerard's arm with a hand casually on Gerard's chest. Gerard was also pointing to himself and Bert.

"Well... you both look happy." I said because I didn't know what else to say.

I think Gerard thought I was joking because he gave a small laugh. He tried to wipe his eyes again but the tissues were sodden. There was a small pack of tissues on his desk so I got up and retrieved them for him. He smiled up at me and said 'Thanks'. I sat opposite him again and said 'Well, otherwise you'll just make your face wetter' and he laughed again.

He got some dry tissues and wiped his eyes with them. We were both quiet for a moment. He was looking at me while he wiped his eyes. I noticed the book he was reading was still on his lap.

"Why don't I look at those college courses with you?" I asked "If you'd like to."

"Oh, Frank, it's not about college courses, ok? I lied to you."

I didn't like being told this.

"But what is it?"

He sighed and picked it up, showing me the front cover. It had a black pen mark in the bottom left-hand corner but, apart from that, it was in very good condition. The title was in bold black writing and it said 'The Facts About Aspergers Syndrome' and there was a picture of a boy on the front and I guessed he was about eleven. I could see Gerard going red even though he'd tilted his head forward so that his hair covered most of his face.

"Why are you reading that?" I asked "I thought you knew about aspergers."

"I do," He mumbled "I just thought... y’know; it wouldn't hurt to read it again and... and make sure I'm, y'know, still interacting properly with you and that I'm not making you feel... stupid or anything."

And I felt very happy because that was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. Gerard was still very red and I wanted to hug him because that was such a nice thing for him to do for me. But I couldn't hug him.

"Gerard, that's a really nice thing for you to do for me."

He looked up and smiled at me and I smiled back. I still wanted to hug him and I managed to unfold my arms and lean a little closer but then I had to stop myself again because I was too scared. Gerard was watching me.

"Frank, would you mind if I hugged you?" He asked.

I wondered if he, somehow, knew that was what I had wanted to do. I nodded and he smiled. He slowly opened his arms and leaned closer to me. It's always a little strange letting someone new touch me and I wondered if that was why my stomach was feeling funny. I lifted my arms to, like I do with Mikey, and let Gerard hug me. My arms went over his shoulders and around his neck and his went around my back. He smelt of shampoo and deodorant but his clothes smelt faintly of cigarettes and fabric softener.

He didn’t hug me too tightly which was nice because I didn’t feel scared or claustrophobic. And it didn’t even hurt when he touched me. I didn’t like the cigarette smell because I think cigarette smoke smells bad and they cause cancer. But I tried not to think about it. Or the funny feeling in my stomach.

I tried to think only about Gerard.