I Will Not Kiss You

Gerard asked if I'd like to go for a walk after we'd paid for our coffees, hot chocolate and muffins. I said 'Yes please' and Gerard asked where I'd like to walk but I didn't know. So he suggested the park but Mom didn't like me going into the park at night. Then Gerard said the woodland walk. And I said 'Yeah, I'd like that!'.

The woodland walk is a nice walk with big trees and lots of greenery. And, when it rains, it has a nice damp sort of smell because the dirt and the trees are all wet. During the summer, flowers grow so it smells very flowery but I don't like it very much in the summer because there are lots of bees and wasps and they make me scream and run away.

It was quite dark because there are only a few streetlamps along the woodland walk. Gerard asked if I would be okay because it was quite dark and I said I'd tell him if I got too scared.

"I've never walked along here in the dark before," I confessed, looking around "It looks very different."

"I think it looks like a fairytale forest," Gerard said quietly "I know it's a lame thing to think-"

"Lame means you can't walk."

"It can also mean, like, it sucks, y'know?" Gerard said "A weird or bad thing."

I looked at him for a moment, trying to make the word mean these things. It felt uncomfortable but I managed to make lame mean bad and weird. I didn't really like it though.

Gerard was staring at me.

"Are you okay, Frank?"

"Yes," I said "I'm just trying to make lame mean bad and weird in my head. It doesn't feel very comfortable."

He smiled and nodded at me. I smiled back, still trying to make lame mean bad and weird. Then I looked away and started chewing my lip because I was focusing very hard on making lame mean bad and weird. Me chewing my lip is what's called a subconscious action which means you do something without thinking about it or not meaning to.

"Frank, if it feels uncomfortable, you don't have to think about it!"

"Okay, I won't think about it," I said "It doesn't feel very nice."

Gerard said "Okay."

It was a little bit cold so I pulled my jacket tighter around myself to keep warm. And then I started thinking about Gerard. Then I thought about how old he was and when his birthday was.

"It's going to be your twenty first birthday in a week," I told him.

Then I realised this was stupid because Gerard would know when his own birthday was. So I didn't look up at him and looked at the floor because I thought Gerard might laugh and call me stupid.

But Gerard didn't laugh at me or call me stupid or walk away and leave me in the dark to find my own way home. He just said 'So it is!' and I looked up at him. He was smiling but not in the nasty way like Ellis does. I felt better because of this.

"Maybe me, you and Mikey could all go out somewhere?" He suggested "Would you like that?"

"That would be nice," I nodded "It's fun when Mikey, you and me hang out."

I liked it very much when me, Mikey and Gerard are all together, which is hanging out. It's good fun because we all make each other laugh in a good way and Gerard does funny things that make me laugh lots.

Gerard smiled at me again. And then I heard something. So I looked towards where I'd heard the sound. And I started walking over. It sounded like the noise an animal makes when it's walking. So I wondered if it was a fox because you could sometimes see foxes along the woodland walk. Mom told me they eat from peoples trash cans sometimes and might have rabies so I shouldn't touch them.

"Frank?"

"I heard something," I said "And I think it was an animal but it might be a fox so I should be careful because foxes carry rabies sometimes."

Gerard cocked his head to one side and then stepped closer, reaching out slowly. I wondered if he wanted me to help him walk over to where I was by holding his hand and pulling him carefully.

"Come on, Frank," Gerard said "I think you should come back here because if you get hurt, I'm the one responsible for you so I have to look after you and make sure you don't get hurt."

When I didn't say or do anything, he said "Do you understand that?"

And I nodded. So he said 'Can you please come over here, Frank?'. And I said 'Yes' and started walking back over to him. Gerard smiled again and asked to hug me so I let him hug me and I hugged back.

"I'm sorry, Frank," Gerard said "But I don't wanna' risk you getting hurt."

"It's okay," I replied "You're just being a good person and looking after me."

So we kept on walking. I know that on a date you're supposed to hold hands or put your arm around the person but I was very scared of doing that. But that's what you're supposed to do so that the person will know that it was a good date and want to go on another date with you. I liked dates with Gerard. It would be nice if we could go on another one and have fun.

So I tried to reach out and hold his hand, like people do in movies. They sort of reach out and slowly start to hold the other persons hand so that, if the other person doesn't like it, they can stop. But my hand didn't want to. That's stupid, it sounds like my hand has its own brain; it doesn't. It's like, I wanted to make my hand move, using my brain because that's what co ordinates your movement, but then at the same time I didn't and I couldn't move my hand.

Gerard was walking quietly, he hadn't noticed that I was trying to hold his hand. But he wouldn't because I hadn't moved or touched his hand. And then my hand suddenly moved very quickly and touched Gerard's hand for approximately two seconds. Then I pulled my hand back again because I got very scared by what I'd done.

Gerard looked down at his hand and then at mine. And he chewed his lip. Then he looked at me and smiled. But I didn't smile back because I didn't know why he was smiling.

Then I heard something. So I looked up and saw a man running towards us. He had blond hair, brown eyes and tanned skin. He was wearing a black t-shirt and black jeans with a denim jacket and a pair of slippers. He stopped in front of us. And he was breathing heavily. He looked at us both. I wondered if he was okay because he was running.

"Have either of you seen a brown dog?" He asked, looking at Gerard and then at me.

"No, I'm sorry," Gerard said.

I thought back to see if I'd seen this man's dog. I hadn't seen a dog but then I remembered when I'd heard that noise. I wondered if that had been the dog this man was looking for. So I turned around and started walking back to see if it was the dog this man was looking for.

"Frank?" Gerard called as I got to the place where I'd heard the noise.

"Yes?" I asked, walking towards the hedges and trees to see if I could look through without having to go through.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the missing dog," I said, reaching out and trying to push some tree branches out of the way.

"Frank, we haven't seen any dogs," Gerard said.

I started to climb through a little gap and behind all the trees and hedges. Gerard was shouting for me to come back but I didn't want to because he was shouting, so I stayed where I was and looked for the missing dog.

And then I heard the noise I'd heard earlier. So I crouched down because it makes you seem less threatening to animals. Then I whistled because I thought it might get the dog's attention if it was the dog I'd heard.

"Frank?" Gerard called "Frank, are you okay?"

"Please be quiet for a moment," I said politely.

And then a brown labrador came out from behind lots of hedges, behind which was a little stream. That explained why it had wet fur. I held my hand out to it to let it sniff my hand to show I wouldn't hurt it.

"What breed is your dog?" I asked in case this wasn't the man's dog or he was trying to steal it from someone else.

"Labrador!" He replied "And she has a red collar on; her name's Muffin!"

I saw a red collar on the dog and, when she was close enough, I took hold of her collar to stop her running off and looked at her name tag.

Muffin

So I said "I've found her."

And then I led Muffin back to the man and Gerard with me.