I Will Not Kiss You

"This is why I found The Handmaid's Tale such an interesting book to read," I finished, putting my English report on Mr. Paslow's desk.

No one said anything, so I went and sat back in my seat next to Mikey. I don't like reading in front of everyone because they always whisper and stare at me. Mikey always smiles and tells me that he liked my report because he is polite and friends are supposed to be polite.

The Handmaid's Tale is a very good book written by a lady called Margaret Atwood. Mikey helped me with my report by telling me that Margaret Atwood does what is called feminist writing. Feminist writing is when the writing is all about women struggling to stand up against men and be what is called independant and proving that they are just as strong and capable as men are. In the book, all ladies are seen as weaker than men and have to do what men tell them and have no rights like men do. The main protaganist (the main character) is called Offred but this is a patronymic name which means she takes on the name of her 'Commander'. I looked at her name and saw it was Of-fred; this means her Commander is called Fred and she is of him. Her job is to have a baby for the Commander and his wife. Then she can go and find a new Commander and have a baby for him and his wife.

I don't think I'd like to have a strange lady give birth to a baby with my husband if I was one of the Wives in the book. But that is impossible because I am a boy. Therefore, I would most likely be a Guardian or a chauffeur for a Commander because I do not run any supermarkets or any other business so I couldn't be a Commander.

"Thank you, Frank," Mr. Paslow said "That was very interesting to hear. I look forward to grading your report."

I said "Thank you," because that is polite.

Mr. Paslow is middle-aged and has a moustache and wears shirts and clip-on ties and fancy shoes everyday. He smells like soap and tobacco because I know he smokes. I quite like him because he never shouts and is always nice to me. Every time Ellis is nasty to me, Mr. Paslow sends him out of the room or gives him detention.

Gerard was waiting on the gate after school. I'd been to see Chrissie for the last lesson so we had to wait for Mikey to come out and meet us. I said 'hello' and he said it back then asked if he could hug me. I said he could and he hugged me. He didn't smell like cigarettes today. I asked him how he was and he said he was very well and asked how I was and I said I was okay and happy because Chrissie and I had been talking about 'The Handmaid's Tale'. Gerard nodded and said 'Oh, that's good then.'

I sat up on the gate next to Gerard while we waited for Mikey. Gerard asked me about 'The Handmaid's Tale' because he'd never read it before. So I told him what it was about and he shrugged his shoulders, saying it sounded interesting. It was breezy and I liked it. It was blowing my hair out of my face and it felt nice and cool.

"So, Frank," Gerard said "It's my birthday on Sunday."

"Yes, it is."

"And I was thinking, maybe me, you, Mikey and maybe some friends of mine could all hang out on the Friday?"

So I said "In what way?"

"Y'know, hang out at like a bar or a club or something."

"But Mikey and I are too young."

"Aha," He said with what's called a grin "But they won't know that."

"I'm not sure," I said "I might get nervous and tell them I'm not old enough."

"Nah, you'll be fine," He said "Just have a fiddle with your appearance and you'll be fine."

I didn't say anything. And then I saw Mikey walking towards us and I smiled at him. He waved and kept walking towards us.

"Hey, guys," He smiled at us, slowly lifting his arms to hug me.

I hugged back and smiled at Mikey. Mikey then gave Gerard a hug and asked how he was. Gerard said he was fine and told Mikey about his birthday idea. Mikey shrugged and said it sounded like a good idea. Then he looked at me and asked what I thought.

I said I was worried I'd get nervous and tell the doormen how old I really was. Mikey nodded and told me to think about it. I said I would. I was also scared about the idea of going to a bar for Gerard's birthday because he and his friends might start drinking alcohol. Alcohol is what my Dad used to drink a lot of when he and Mom were still together and sometimes it made him act funny and nice but it often made him act very scary and shouty and I used to hide under my bed because he scared me so much. I was scared because I didn't want Gerard to get scary and shouty.

If Gerard got scary and shouty then I wouldn't want to be more than friends with him anymore and I wouldn't want to be friends with him either. I don't think I'd want to see him. People who shout and are scary aren't being nice people and I don't want to see people who aren't nice.

* * *

"Does Gerard drink alcohol?" I asked Mikey when we were sitting in his room, playing a game of slam.

Slam is a card game. It's very difficult to explain how to play it without showing someone. But you have to get rid of all of your cards. You do this by putting either one number above or below on one of the two piles in the middle. For example, I might put an ace on a two and then Mikey can put a king on the ace and I put another ace on the king and then a two because Mikey can't go.

Mikey wasn't paying attention to me because he was concentrating on playing the game. It's very hard to talk and play slam at the same time because it's a very fast game that can go either way, therefore you need to concentrate. So I decided to ask Mikey again when we finished this set of the game.

And I asked Mikey again.

"What?" He asked, taking a sip of his water.

"Does Gerard drink alcohol?"

"Well. . ." Mikey began "He does but he shouldn't really."

"Why shouldn't he?" I asked.

"Because. . . well. . . Frank, I'm going to trust you to not mention this to Gerard because he's pretty sensitive on this subject."

"I won't say anything about it to him."

"Well, he used to have issues with alcohol. You know what an alcoholic is. He was an alcoholic," Mikey said "I dunno' when he started drinking but he started to get alcohol problems when he was about seventeen, maybe. He had issues like. . . when he was upset, he couldn't see any other way of feeling better than having something alcoholic to drink. And things just got worse and worse because Mom and Dad would try and get through to him about it and they'd argue and he'd get a drink and then Mom and Dad would try to get through to him about it and they'd argue and he'd get a drink- it was a vicious cycle."

"That doesn't sound very good," I said.

"No," Mikey said, shaking his head "It was horrible. It went on for so long because he just couldn't see that he had a problem! I don't know what made him suddenly realise but he went to these AA meetings and eventually got over it. Everything was fine after that for a while, until he and Bert moved away that is."

"If things were so horrible, why does he still drink alcohol?" I asked "Aren't you scared he'll be alcoholic again?"

"Well, yeah," Mikey nodded "But I trust him. Like I trust you not to tell him I told you this."

"That's a lot of trust," I said "Because Gerard must have really liked alcohol to get an alcohol problem and you think he won't be irresponsible with it."

"Yeah, I really trust him," Mikey nodded "But he's never given anyone reason not to trust him. I mean, he still gets a little drunk sometimes- not such a good thing- but he never gets like he used to."

"What do you mean by 'a little drunk'?" I asked.

I thought you were either drunk or not drunk. Mom always used to say to Dad 'You've been drinking haven't you?' and he'd shout and say 'How dare you!' and they'd argue about alcohol and Mom would say 'You're either drunk or you're not, which is it?'.

"I mean, he gets drunk but not so he just collapses and has no idea what's happening. He doesn't necessarily get drunk on purpose for fun like he did when he was a teenager. But, yeah, it's nothing to be scared of, he just acts super sweet and makes a huge fuss of people. It's quite amusing sometimes."

"I don't know if I understand properly."

Mikey nodded and chewed the right side of his lip. I could see a tiny cut where he'd bitten a piece of skin off of his lip but it wasn't bleeding.

"Well, as you drink alcohol, it starts to affect you. Right?" He began, waiting for me to nod "I'll put it on a scale of. . . say, one to ten. Now, one means you're completely sober and you haven't had any alcohol at all. Two means you've had one or two drinks but you're still aware of what's happening, just a little loosened up. Ten is completely wasted-"

"What do you mean by 'wasted'?"

"If someones wasted, they're very very drunk. They haven't got a clue what's happening and they have no idea what they're doing. They're logic doesn't make sense and sometimes when they talk it's just complete garbage that doesn't make much sense. And they might pass out or throw up a hell of a lot."

"Is that what Gerard used to be like?"

"Sometimes. He was usually. . . say around seven or eight if I go back to our scale of one to ten."

"And what number does he get to usually?"

"Well, let's say four, maybe, at worst. Just so he's more confident and he's being quite the social butterfly. At four, you've got an idea of what's going on and if you don't like it you can probably still stop what you're doing. You might do a couple of silly things, like trip over or knock things over every so often but you don't fall flat on your face or throw up much and stuff."

"Oh. I think I understand," I nodded "Will he be scary and shouty?"

"Not unless someone makes him angry, no. But we all shout when we're angry so you can't necessarily blame the alcohol. He won't shout at any of us, least of all you, and he won't hit anyone if that's what you're worried about."

"I was worried he'd be scary and shouty and shout at us for something that's not our faults," I confessed "But if he's not going to shout then I think it's okay."

Mikey nodded and started to deal out his cards for the next set of slam. I smiled and did the same thing. I like playing slam. People don't talk much during slam because they have to concentrate. It makes people notice things more as well. Mom says I'm good at it because I'm good at noticing things.

There was a knock at the door while we were playing. Mikey said 'come in' and Gerard came into the room. I knew it was him because I could see the bright green logo on his black t-shirt out of the corner of my eye. He came and sat cross-legged on the floor so he wasn't sat next to me or Mikey and started to watch.

"What are you guys-"

"Shh!" Mikey hushed.

He likes it to be quiet when he's playing slam so he can concentrate better. He was losing though because he had a lot of high cards and my cards were what are known as the in-between cards; like sixes and sevens. So I'd put down three sixes, then put a seven on top, turn a card over and find another six to put down and then put a five down.

Gerard waited until we'd finished that set and then watched the last set of the game. I won.

Then I looked at Gerard.

"I think I'd like to come to your birthday, Gerard, if that's okay."