Save Me

Have you ever felt like you didn’t have a heart anymore? That your car running on empty? I feel that way…I feel like somebody blacked out my heart with a sharpie. It’s like somebody keeps punching my heart and putting lemon juice on the wounds.

My eyes are dry and cold. When you look at me, you see nothing – no emotion. Tears spring free at any time and they flow. My posture makes me look like I would fall at anytime. I am not the strong, healthy, confident girl I once was. I usually walk with my head held high and long strides, but instead I let my head hang and my feet drag. I don’t care what I look like anymore. I just through my hair in a messy bun instead of taking two hours of my day to curl or straighten it; I gave up on make also…now I am just plain. My clothes now hang loosely on my torso, probably from loosing so much weight.

I don’t laugh anymore. I don’t smile, smirk, grin or beam; I just frown. I just nod or shake my head, words are over rated. At any given time, I space out – even if you are talking to me. I will always forget to eat, so I have to be reminded everyday.

I think I am being haunted. My fiancé, Zachary, isn’t with me anymore and it kills me everyday. Which I don’t get because I don’t have a heart anymore, he has it…he always has, ever since six years ago.

My lower lip trembled as I saw them lower him into the ground, only to be buried. My everything is being buried. My heart is being buried. My life is gone. My heart is torn for the world to see.

I wanted to yell them to stop and to let him up for air, but sadly he doesn’t need any. I want to be next to him, to be with him. A tear fell from my eye as I saw his parents in the corner of my eye. His mother was clutching onto his father who looked like I was – cold.

A freezing hand touched my shoulder, but I didn’t turning around. “I am so sorry, sweet heart,” An old woman spoke to me. Her hand squeezed my shoulder lightly and release. My body turned around to see her. I hate it when people say, ‘I am sorry,’ well it’s not your fault so just leave me be. I would love to be alone for ten minutes, just by myself with no ‘I’m sorry’ or looks. Being alone would be best. I don’t want hugs, kisses, speeches, or any old stories about how Zachary was the best. I already know that.

My body went limp as I sat down under a tree. I started playing with the hem of my dress…his favorite dress on me. He always loved the color black, I did too. My head was spinning with thoughts and memories. The memories of us dancing in the rain, us painting our house, randomly singing to songs we hate, and our anniversary; they all flooded back in my head. Its like they have been gone for as long and now remembering them makes me light headed and weightless.

“I have known Zacky my whole life,” His brother, Brett, sniffled, “He was the best. Zack would light up a room with a smile. He was always wondering who that special woman would be and he found her.” Tears threatened to fall out of his eye, “Well I am happy he found her before he couldn’t any longer.” Brett’s tears fell, “When we were younger he always used to tell me stories or tell me about Emily.” I heard my name and I felt dead inside and that is when I tuned out. I looked up at the clouds as the tears flowed.

“I love you, Em,” Zack took my hand. I smiled up at him. We were lying in a field looking up at the sky.

“I love you too,” I felt the sun beaming on us. I felt kisses on my head and grinned. “Hey that cloud looks like a heart,” I pointed our intertwined fingers to the cloud.

He thought a minute, “Yeah, it does,” I could hear the smile in his voice. I looked up at his bright blue eyes.

“Do you think we will be together forever?” I asked with seriousness in my voice.

“Of course,” He nodded and kissed my lips. I felt butterflies flutter in my stomach as we laid there.

I heard them read the will, “My…” The man spoke out in confusion. My blood shot eyes wondered to where he was standing, “Everything goes to…Evan Wilders,” Blow to my stomache. You think I would get a little something, but no.

I don’t know why but I am a little relieved. I won’t have to see most of the things he had. My tongue snaked its way out of my mouth and licked my chapped lips. I glanced over at a man with a clenched jaw and cold, piercing grey eyes. His suit was clean and not a wrinkle to be seen. His jet black hair slicked back, not moving as he let out a bitter sob. The man had his hands behind his back, standing up straight.

Dusting myself off, I grabbed the tree and pulled myself up. My fragile body shaking with every step as I made it passed the guy. My flat caught on a loose root and my body fell in the air. For a minute, I felt weightless…like I was flying. I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt strong arms around me. Moving my hair from my face, I saw the man holding me. I gave him a look for saying ‘thanks’ as I got up. He nodded, I actually spaced out while looking at him. I realized he had grey eyes framed with black lashes. Shaking my head, I stumbled into the back of a car which was taking me home.

My head fell back onto the smooth leather head rest. I glanced out at the sunny day. It shouldn’t be sunny today, it should be raining. Today shouldn’t be today, it should be the happiest day because today was supposed to be our wedding. I hung my head and let out a shaky breath. You don’t know how much I want to just shrivel up and die. I want to crawl out of my own skin.

“Miss,” The man chanted while shaking my shoulder. I looked in his direction, “We are here,” He whispered. While nodding my head, I got out my purse, “No need to pay…I know how you feel right now.” With that I got out of the car.

In the distance the car drove off, but I stayed where I was and looked at the house. I tilted my head to the side as I remembered more and more memories. I left out a sob as I remembered.

“That’s it!” Zack laughed as we run across the yard. I giggled as I ran, my legs pushing through the grass. I threw a water balloon at him first and soaked him. “Give up! There’s no use! I shall get you!” He teased.

“Never!” I chuckled as I run faster around the yard. Glancing back, I saw him gaining on me. I felt two arms wrap around my waist and tackle me on top of Zack. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

I picked out grass from Zack’s hair while he looked up at me. Smiling, he lifted his head up and kissed me. I felt like the world was put on pause as we got tangled up in each other.

I walked to the spot under the mighty oak it happened under. I touched the rough bark with my soft hand. I clutched my stomach and the tree as I let out a loud sob. My knees buckled and my body dropped to the ground. I feel like a big hunk or iron – I can’t move. “It was supposed to be me!” I whispered, still sobbing. “Why didn’t you just stay where you were?! Why did you have to push me out of the way?” Tears streamed my face and hit the ground. “WHY?!” I punched on the earth. Then I remembered the one memory I didn’t want to remember.

“You excited?” Zach asked holding my hand. In four months it will be our wedding.

“I can’t wait,” I beamed as I rested my head on his shoulder, “Honey moon should be very entertaining,” I joked. I felt him chuckle.

“I love you so much,” He kissed my lips. I returned the kiss.

“I love you more,” I countered back.

“What time is it, babe?”

“Oh shit! I dropped my phone. I will be right back!” I jogged into the street as I saw my shiny cell phone.

“Em! No!” I glanced up to see two huge bright lights. I froze, but someone pushed me out of the way. Falling fall face first to the ground, I cringed. Looking back, I saw Zach lying on the street with a car ten feet away from him. I screamed and got up. My legs worked so hard to keep me from falling. My heart ached and my chest rose up and down.

“Zack!” I yelled, bending down to his side. No answer. “Baby, open your eyes,” I looked at his cut up forehead. His eyes were closed and his shirt was all bloody. He didn’t open his eyes. My vision got blurry. “Zack?” I asked, softly and picked up his head with my arm. I hugged him, “Please,” I choked, “Please answer me,” No response. I brought him closer to me and cried loudly.

I was drowning in my own tears about now, making a sea to carry me away from my sorrow, hopefully taking me under and engulfing me with no emotions.

My heart feels like a block of cement. I really want my love back. I would do anything just to see his smile or to see him next to me. I want to go back in time. I want to change everything. I wish I could just say ‘Fuck my phone’ and get another one.

My eyes felt droopy as I fell asleep under the oak tree.