We Won't Regret This
V
Exhausted and radiating with adrenaline, John stepped off the stage, out of breath and smiling. He loved performing, not only because of the fans but it was a distraction for him. All he needed was to forget for a little while, to have his mind completely overridden by his music. But anytime he wasn't on stage he just couldn't stop. He felt like he was in high school again with a crush that wouldn't go away. The only difference is that this was much, much more than a crush.
John decided that he needed to let some of what he was feeling out of his head, heading straight for the bus instead of hanging around like he usually did. He lay back in his bunk, grabbing the journal from underneath his pillow, flipping open to a new entry.
August 6, 2009
Man, I can't get him out of my head! He's all I think about, dream about. It's killing me. I'm scared that this will start dragging me back into old habits, I've lost all control. This could make me more like my dad and he's the absolute last person I'd ever want to be like. I can't fucking take it anymore. But when I'm not in charge of my own damn thoughts I can't be in charge of my actions either. I seriously hope that this doesn't get taken too far. I can't end up like him. I can't turn into my father.
John ended the entry there, only wanting sleep to wash over him and hopefully put him in a right state of mind.
Pat's POV
I awoke to voices coming from the main area of the bus and from what I could hear, someone had been crying. Curious, I quietly got out of my bunk and slid the door open slightly, peering through the small opening. I saw Garrett and John standing in the hallway, John in tears.
"J, I don't really know what to say... Fuck, man. I'm really, uh, sorry." He paused, looking unsure, "I don't know... Damn, John." Garrett looked a mess, stuttering and rubbing his neck anxiously.
"I really didn't want you to f-find out," John sniffed, his face visibly red, "especially not like that."
Garrett's voice rang softly throughout the hall, "How long have you known?"
"Know what?" John asked, his voice matching the confusion displayed on his face.
Garrett's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, "That you're, y'know, uh, gay."
I blinked, seriously confused as to what the hell was going on. Garrett knew?
"I'm not gay," John sighed, "or at least I don't think I am. I don't know."
Garrett uncomfortably shifted his weight, "Well, um, do you think girls are hot? You could be, like, bi."
John burst into tears once more, "I really d-don't know! All I can think about is Pat. It's like everyone else dis-disappears."
Garrett placed a hand on John's shoulder, "I'm so sorry, bro."
John hiccuped, his features metamorphosing from upset to beyond pissed off, "Three fucking years! I've felt this way for three years, only about him. It hurts so fucking bad, Gar. I know that I'll never know what it's like to m-make him happy o-or to hold him or call him mine. He kills me, Garrett! And there is nothing I can fucking do about it! I've tried over and over to forget, to change. Nothing can change the way I feel, nothing will make me forget the fact that I love him."
I watched John collapse into Garrett's arms and my heart shattered. I absolutely loathed myself for hurting my best friend like this. Tears blurred my vision as I silently shut the door, walking back to my bunk. I once again took the book from John's bed, knowing the risk I was taking. I had to know, had to see, what John was thinking.
I read his latest entry, finishing more confused than ever. I had no clue what he was talking about regarding his dad. I was tearing myself apart, how could I possibly be hurting him this bad?!! I seriously am nothing special at all. I was dying to know how he could actually think I was anything more than pathetic. I put the book back in it's place and slowly cried myself to sleep.
John's POV
August 7, 2009
Last night was a living hell. I am so mortified. I can't believe that happened. I woke up at like 4am last night with a total boner. I was having this dream and I just woke up. It was seriously bothering me so of course I needed to take care of it. I went to the bathroom and did what I had to do. Apparently, I wasn't aware of how loud I was being and Garrett fucking heard me. He walked in, oblivious to what I was doing.
He heard me say Pat's name and witnessed what the hell I was taking care of. He practically had a heart attack. I was stuck, so of course I told him everything. And again, I cried my face off. It was so horrible. He was trying to come off like it didn't really bother him, but I know how uncomfortable he was. Fuck. I made him promise to keep it to himself, and I know he will. In a sense, I feel better now that someone knows. But then again, I feel much worse. I can't take this much longer. I need a drink.
John decided that he needed to let some of what he was feeling out of his head, heading straight for the bus instead of hanging around like he usually did. He lay back in his bunk, grabbing the journal from underneath his pillow, flipping open to a new entry.
August 6, 2009
Man, I can't get him out of my head! He's all I think about, dream about. It's killing me. I'm scared that this will start dragging me back into old habits, I've lost all control. This could make me more like my dad and he's the absolute last person I'd ever want to be like. I can't fucking take it anymore. But when I'm not in charge of my own damn thoughts I can't be in charge of my actions either. I seriously hope that this doesn't get taken too far. I can't end up like him. I can't turn into my father.
John ended the entry there, only wanting sleep to wash over him and hopefully put him in a right state of mind.
Pat's POV
I awoke to voices coming from the main area of the bus and from what I could hear, someone had been crying. Curious, I quietly got out of my bunk and slid the door open slightly, peering through the small opening. I saw Garrett and John standing in the hallway, John in tears.
"J, I don't really know what to say... Fuck, man. I'm really, uh, sorry." He paused, looking unsure, "I don't know... Damn, John." Garrett looked a mess, stuttering and rubbing his neck anxiously.
"I really didn't want you to f-find out," John sniffed, his face visibly red, "especially not like that."
Garrett's voice rang softly throughout the hall, "How long have you known?"
"Know what?" John asked, his voice matching the confusion displayed on his face.
Garrett's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, "That you're, y'know, uh, gay."
I blinked, seriously confused as to what the hell was going on. Garrett knew?
"I'm not gay," John sighed, "or at least I don't think I am. I don't know."
Garrett uncomfortably shifted his weight, "Well, um, do you think girls are hot? You could be, like, bi."
John burst into tears once more, "I really d-don't know! All I can think about is Pat. It's like everyone else dis-disappears."
Garrett placed a hand on John's shoulder, "I'm so sorry, bro."
John hiccuped, his features metamorphosing from upset to beyond pissed off, "Three fucking years! I've felt this way for three years, only about him. It hurts so fucking bad, Gar. I know that I'll never know what it's like to m-make him happy o-or to hold him or call him mine. He kills me, Garrett! And there is nothing I can fucking do about it! I've tried over and over to forget, to change. Nothing can change the way I feel, nothing will make me forget the fact that I love him."
I watched John collapse into Garrett's arms and my heart shattered. I absolutely loathed myself for hurting my best friend like this. Tears blurred my vision as I silently shut the door, walking back to my bunk. I once again took the book from John's bed, knowing the risk I was taking. I had to know, had to see, what John was thinking.
I read his latest entry, finishing more confused than ever. I had no clue what he was talking about regarding his dad. I was tearing myself apart, how could I possibly be hurting him this bad?!! I seriously am nothing special at all. I was dying to know how he could actually think I was anything more than pathetic. I put the book back in it's place and slowly cried myself to sleep.
John's POV
August 7, 2009
Last night was a living hell. I am so mortified. I can't believe that happened. I woke up at like 4am last night with a total boner. I was having this dream and I just woke up. It was seriously bothering me so of course I needed to take care of it. I went to the bathroom and did what I had to do. Apparently, I wasn't aware of how loud I was being and Garrett fucking heard me. He walked in, oblivious to what I was doing.
He heard me say Pat's name and witnessed what the hell I was taking care of. He practically had a heart attack. I was stuck, so of course I told him everything. And again, I cried my face off. It was so horrible. He was trying to come off like it didn't really bother him, but I know how uncomfortable he was. Fuck. I made him promise to keep it to himself, and I know he will. In a sense, I feel better now that someone knows. But then again, I feel much worse. I can't take this much longer. I need a drink.
♠ ♠ ♠
I apologize for all the POV changes and making John look like a complete pansy.