We Won't Regret This
VI
Pat wasn't feeling well. Running on no sleep and mixed emotions could not be good for him. He had kissed a boy before. Kind of. Garrett was his best friend and the person he was closest to. Kissing Garrett was like kissing his mother. An irrevocable love.
Pat never really thought about a guy in a "more-than-friends" way. Sure, he could point out an attractive dude, but that didn't necessarily make him into them. Right? He didn't know what was "normal" but he knew who he could ask.
At catering that morning, he approached Garrett. "Hey, Gary. How's it goin'?"
The bassist simply gave Pat the thumbs up, yawning groggily.
"Can we talk?"
"Sure," Garrett nodded, "let's eat in the bus."
The two carried their food to the small kitchen area and sat down, neither really eating. Pat could see Garrett studying him.
"I've been wondering," Pat began, happy that he felt so comfortable talking to Garrett like this, "is it normal to find guys attractive? Like not like I like them or anything, but just to be able to see a guy and know that he's good looking?"
Garrett nodded after a while, "I think so, I mean, it's like you envy them or just know that they get a lot of ass."
Pat stayed silent, contemplating what his best friend had said. He decided that it was just that. He could feel Garrett's eyes on him, and when he looked up at those baby blues he could see that there was something on his mind. He didn't even have to ask.
"Pat... what would you do if you knew something about me that you think I'd need to know?"
Shit. Pat knew where this was going and he really, really didn't want to hear his best friend tell him what he dreaded hearing.
Pat swallowed, should he tell him he already knew? They told each other everything. Was this any different?
"Uh, I suppose I would tell you, depending if it would hurt anyone or something. Like, if I thought for a second it would make anyone get hurt on my account I think I would keep it to myself if I wasn't sure no one would find out I told."
Garrett seemed to think about this. "Well, last night... I was told something that I don't know if I should tell you. It's about you. And I don't know how you'll react and I can't wrap my head around it. I think I need to tell you, y'know?"
Pat nodded his head, dreading Gary's next words.
"Well, John, uh... told me that he's um, in love with you."
Pat didn't really know how Garrett thought he would react. Maybe he thought he would laugh, or maybe just stare. Pat simply smiled painfully and whispered, "I know."
At that moment, he felt not only Garrett's, but another pair of eyes stare into his soul. Turning towards the bunk area, he looked past the dumbfounded expression on his best friend's face to see a sleepy-looking John staring at him wide-eyed and broken. Tears were falling down his face, the pain evident in his honey eyes.
Garrett stood up and left the bus silently with his eyes on the floor and guilt washing over his face. Pat also stood and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's shaking body in a hug. And he didn't let go even when John's sobbing subsided and he whispered, "how?"
Pat pulled John into his bunk and faced him, telling him about how he found the journal and how he overheard him and Garrett before. He then told John how it made him feel.
"It's indescribable. How I feel, I mean. I can't put it into words or sort it out in my mind. I just don't know."
John looked so lost. He looked simply nauseous.
"I'm really, really, really sorry I read it, John. I couldn't stop and hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting you like this."
John glanced up at the drummer incredulously, "What? No, Pat, no. Don't. Please. You don't deserve that. It's my own fault for falling so hard."
"I really wish I could feel the same way you do," Pat whispered, "it would be easier. I have asked myself if I do so many times, but I can't answer that. I don't know why."
John frowned, "Pat. Please don't say that. It sounds like you're promising me possibilities."
"I really don't want to hurt you, J."
"I don't think you can anymore. I think I've reached that limit where it's either pain or numbness."
Pat couldn't contain it. At those few words, he couldn't hold back what he had been thinking about. He brushed his hair out of his eyes, leaned forward, and pushed his lips against John's.
Pat never really thought about a guy in a "more-than-friends" way. Sure, he could point out an attractive dude, but that didn't necessarily make him into them. Right? He didn't know what was "normal" but he knew who he could ask.
At catering that morning, he approached Garrett. "Hey, Gary. How's it goin'?"
The bassist simply gave Pat the thumbs up, yawning groggily.
"Can we talk?"
"Sure," Garrett nodded, "let's eat in the bus."
The two carried their food to the small kitchen area and sat down, neither really eating. Pat could see Garrett studying him.
"I've been wondering," Pat began, happy that he felt so comfortable talking to Garrett like this, "is it normal to find guys attractive? Like not like I like them or anything, but just to be able to see a guy and know that he's good looking?"
Garrett nodded after a while, "I think so, I mean, it's like you envy them or just know that they get a lot of ass."
Pat stayed silent, contemplating what his best friend had said. He decided that it was just that. He could feel Garrett's eyes on him, and when he looked up at those baby blues he could see that there was something on his mind. He didn't even have to ask.
"Pat... what would you do if you knew something about me that you think I'd need to know?"
Shit. Pat knew where this was going and he really, really didn't want to hear his best friend tell him what he dreaded hearing.
Pat swallowed, should he tell him he already knew? They told each other everything. Was this any different?
"Uh, I suppose I would tell you, depending if it would hurt anyone or something. Like, if I thought for a second it would make anyone get hurt on my account I think I would keep it to myself if I wasn't sure no one would find out I told."
Garrett seemed to think about this. "Well, last night... I was told something that I don't know if I should tell you. It's about you. And I don't know how you'll react and I can't wrap my head around it. I think I need to tell you, y'know?"
Pat nodded his head, dreading Gary's next words.
"Well, John, uh... told me that he's um, in love with you."
Pat didn't really know how Garrett thought he would react. Maybe he thought he would laugh, or maybe just stare. Pat simply smiled painfully and whispered, "I know."
At that moment, he felt not only Garrett's, but another pair of eyes stare into his soul. Turning towards the bunk area, he looked past the dumbfounded expression on his best friend's face to see a sleepy-looking John staring at him wide-eyed and broken. Tears were falling down his face, the pain evident in his honey eyes.
Garrett stood up and left the bus silently with his eyes on the floor and guilt washing over his face. Pat also stood and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's shaking body in a hug. And he didn't let go even when John's sobbing subsided and he whispered, "how?"
Pat pulled John into his bunk and faced him, telling him about how he found the journal and how he overheard him and Garrett before. He then told John how it made him feel.
"It's indescribable. How I feel, I mean. I can't put it into words or sort it out in my mind. I just don't know."
John looked so lost. He looked simply nauseous.
"I'm really, really, really sorry I read it, John. I couldn't stop and hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting you like this."
John glanced up at the drummer incredulously, "What? No, Pat, no. Don't. Please. You don't deserve that. It's my own fault for falling so hard."
"I really wish I could feel the same way you do," Pat whispered, "it would be easier. I have asked myself if I do so many times, but I can't answer that. I don't know why."
John frowned, "Pat. Please don't say that. It sounds like you're promising me possibilities."
"I really don't want to hurt you, J."
"I don't think you can anymore. I think I've reached that limit where it's either pain or numbness."
Pat couldn't contain it. At those few words, he couldn't hold back what he had been thinking about. He brushed his hair out of his eyes, leaned forward, and pushed his lips against John's.