P.S. I Hate You

That was Wednesday, wasn’t it? Nooo, that was Monday. Wasn’t it? Hm. I can’t remember. But anyways, what I’m trying to get at, my friends, [which I am currently ignoring as I’m getting at], these past few days have just… well-

Sucked.

Okay, I was getting to it.

Just helping…

Well, don’t. Now go away. Why do you even exist?

Because someone needs to tell you to behave, someone has to help you out and make better choices, someone has to-

That was a theoretical question. Now shut up.

Music. Music, homework, and working. That is what my days included. Besides the school, of course. I just- what do you expect, really?

Think: the best friend who’s always been there for you is suddenly kissing the boy who has humiliated you so many times, who’s always there to make sure there’s a crowd to laugh when you mess up, to insult you and push you down when you’re getting high, to pull some dirty prank on you, the moment you think you’re safe. And that friend is hugging and kissing and I shudder at the very thought.

So you have some idea now, right?

So I have the right to be angry and upset at her, don’t I?

And at the other guys, who purposely kept it all from me. I would have found out anyways. And I wouldn’t have gotten mad at them! But now I am. It makes me so frustrated, realizing that they didn’t have to mess it up so much, and I could talk to one of them, but now my pride won’t let me and I just hate everything!

Like Caleb.

He’s such a brat. A jerk. A freak of nature. He’s wasting air. He’ll never fulfill any worthy purpose, except a punching bag. Gosh, what I would do to just beat him down…

You are so sadistic.

Get over it.

I sit on my bed after finishing my homework. Then my ipod turns to song: Three Days Grace ‘I Hate Everything About You.’ I ignore the ‘love parts.’ My lips fall in sync with the words, and I just lay on my bed, doing that for a while.

Benji peaks his head in. “Hey,” he says nervously.

I sigh, turning the music lower. “Yeah, Benji?”

He hesitates. “Are you okay?”

I blink. “Yeah…? Why?”

He shrugs at the door, shifting his feet. “You… I don’t know,” he says in a small voice. “You just haven’t… been you.”

This kid is way too perceptive, I swear.

Aw, he’s a good kid. Be lucky you’ve got him.

I’d feel luckier right now if he was older and could go beat Caleb up.

You’re so violent!

Shut up! And go away!

“Um…” What do I say to this? I have no idea! “Just… something at school,” I mumble, lying through my teeth.

“That’s taking three days?” He asks doubtfully. “It’s Thursday,” he adds.

Thursday? Really? Where did the other days go? I didn’t know we were getting rid of them- shouldn’t there have been all these newspapers and TV cast people talking? Not that I’ve been looking at either…

I groan, lying back on my bed. “It’s just some people, then, okay? People are making me mad and I’m frustrated with them,” I try to explain without getting any evil ideas in his mind- if someone’s going to turn out good in this family, it has to be him.

He comes over and lies on the bed with me. “Why don’t you talk to them?”

“Because they were supposed to tell me something- they were supposed to talk to me,” I use my hands to explain everything. “And… it was a big something, and I really, really didn’t like that something, so… I got upset, and I don’t want to apologize, and they aren’t apologizing, either.

He’s quiet for a minute. “So who’s wrong?” He asks, confused.

I sigh a groan.

Is that possible?

I thought I told you to go away.

Hey, I was just curious, okay?

So why hasn’t the curiosity killed you yet?

I shake my head to myself and answer my little brother. “I really don’t know, Benji.”
Who is wrong?

Rhea.

Caleb.

Ha, his being born was wrong.

That was rude!

And true…

Was I wrong? Benji and I lay on my bed in comfortable silence, but I can’t stop thinking. All my friends knew about Rhea and Caleb, so that was wrong. Should I blame them?
I take a turn and try to see through their eyes. If… I have to think about it. I’m someone else, and have tons of friends. Two friends are close, one has a big enemy. The other friend starts dating her enemy…

Wow would that suck…

Ehm. What would I do? Tell them? Ignore it? Stay away? Pretend its nothing? Fake it all off? Shrug it off? What?!

I let out some thick breaths of air, trying to think. So maybe I can sort of see my friends’ dilemma.

But not enough. I would still tell them- I wouldn’t want my wronged friend to be kept in the dark. Then I would stick around and make them feel better and talk about revenge! So why hadn’t my friends done the same?

I groan as my head starts pounding. “Benji?”

“Yeah?” He murmurs lazily. His eyes are closed and I think he’s just drifting off to sleep.
“Stop making me think,” I mutter, making him chuckle and hug the pillow as he drifts off to sleep some more.

But I can’t sleep, even though my head hurts. I wander around my room, picking at anything. Cleaning some things, and running through some memory folders, and past stuff and crap… nothing of much importance. When mom married Gerald, I set up a protest and burned all of my childhood things… well, most of them.

There’s still a picture of baby me and my dad. It’s in the back of my closet, where I keep it. Cause it hurts so much, remembering what it had been like… thinking of what it could be like now, wondering how much better life could have been, if only…

I shake my head and toss it on my desk. It’s nearing dinner time, and mother’s still vacuuming and after tripping down the stairs and getting three new bruises, I start on dinner, burning myself at one point, opening the oven.

Must be a clumsy hour.