P.S. I Hate You

I flick through the channels and find Indiana Jones on and watch that for a while before starting on my homework and watching mother fix dinner. It goes okay and we talk to Gerald about random stuff with absolutely no point.

No one asks about the sleeves or anything- and I’d intercepted the calls from the school, how they plan for me staying later for counseling- which I wouldn’t do, since Benji needs to be taken care of.

Caleb manages to avoid me and I ignore him for the continuing time. However I do refuse to go to their house, no matter what, so Benji just comes back whenever, and Devin leaves whenever or until his mom comes and picks him up.

Then a field trip for P.E. comes up, which sort of sounds sadistic, but we’re getting out of school for a while so we don’t mind. We load up, chatting- or in my case, staring out the window wishing I’d just ditched- and head off.

Then I finally remember what it is when we get there- kickboxing. Sweet! We meet with some trainers and he starts teaching us some moves and rules and stuff. Then we get to try it on each other. I team up with Misty and we try not to hurt each other- mostly just cracking up as we fall over our own feet.

“All right, I’ll take two volunteers in the ring!”

Caleb raises his hand. He gets some gear on, but nobody else raises his or her hand. They don’t want to go against him. I don’t blame them. But suddenly my hand shoots up in the air.

I pull it down quickly, hoping no one saw. I don’t know how that happened, I swear…

“Young lady, no sense in hiding, come right up.”

Misty shoves me forward and I receive what I need then enter, watching Caleb Williams suspiciously. I think if anyone had known how much we hate each other, they wouldn’t have come up with this at all. But it’s too late and we’re here.

Payback, gotta love it. The guy lays down the rules, and then gets out of our way.

We circle and test each other out a little. I don’t remember the names of any moves or anything, but I paid close attention to everything and my body is pumped with adrenaline and it feels great.

I shove him a headlock but not for long and he escapes to trip me. Cheers are scattered every time we do something like that to each other. I even manage a tiny move of my own which is probably illegal but its not like he’s going to tell. “That’s payback,” I hiss softly.

“Yeah?” He snorts. “Like it’s my fault the world had to find out how stupid and suicidal you are.”

“I’m not!” My anger makes me foolish and he tricks me with a fake move, getting me in a headlock.

“Just admit it,” he mutters. “You’re pathetic.” He grabs an arm and it brings pain from the still healing cuts of mine. How dare he!

I stomp on his foot and he lets go in surprise and pain. Turning to him, I shove a quick punch in the face. “Shut up!” I spit.

Yeah, definitely not allowed. He tries a few things on me and I at him before they can finally separate us. They pull us apart and we’re shoved to other sides of the room, watching everyone and everything at a distance.

The bus ride back sucks.

And then we’re sent to the principal’s office who thinks it’d be just grand if we made up and gave out hugs like all the naïve kindergarteners. Yeah right.So then he makes us shake hands and smile at each other.

What a retard. He finally lets us go and I realize my anger’s all out. We step outside the room side by side awkwardly. I shift my feet, as we exist. “So…” I trail off. “The thing in there…”

He looks at me distastefully. “Just stay away from me,” he orders and leaves off.

Ah. I huff and watch him go. What was I just thinking? That things could go normally for once? Yeah right- I don’t have that sort of luck, ever. I stand there a minute and sigh. Sometimes I could die of happiness, if things could just go normal. But they can’t. I shrug to myself and walk the other way, scuffing my shoes.

I ditch classes and go sit in the bleachers. I lay down, staring at the sky. The wind sweeps by and I listen to it… always as a kid, it used to sound like a song to me, I don’t know why. I close my eyes and listen to the peace.

War and peace…

I sit up, wearing this silly little smile. “All right, Caleb,” I say slowly. “This is most definitely war.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: didn’t do it
Okay, so the rest of the day sucks. Not only that, I have detention for a month. Talk about aggravating. Not because I have to go, since I can’t or anything, with Benji. But ditching that much can totally drop your grades like a bomb and they’re already getting really bad…

Speaking of which, ALL my teachers stop me in the hall to let me know that instead of P.E. for the next month, I’ll be in study hall, studying with a tutor to get my grades back up. Which just sucks, cause that means someone else will also know.

My life sucks.

Not to mention, my arms still hurt. Touching them on anything is just murder. Which totally sucks. The nurse advised going to the real doctors and all, but what would I say? I did it myself? No. They already want me going to some counselor. And I can’t tell anybody about Gerald or they’ll know how mom’s unfit, too, and me and Benji would be separated and I can’t just leave the little man…

“Ugh!” I shout and hit my head on my locker. I get some stares, but mostly people just inch far, far away from me. Stupid rumors, now they all think I’m suicidal. It was fine, thinking I was all emo and crap, but this is over and beyond.

The next day at lunch, my friends believe the rumors too, it appears. “So…” Misty says finally. “Why did you do it?”

I abruptly shove my food away, my appetite gone. “I didn’t.”

“Are you sure?” She says patiently. “Are you not hungry? Is your conscious bothering you? Because you can talk to any and all of us. We’re your friends and we only want to help you,” she says earnestly.

My jaw tightens, looking down. Gerald spent all last night lecturing and I’m still on edge from the shouting match that it ended in- but, for once, no punches or anything. “I’m fine,” I snap. “Okay? Now stop acting like some freaking counselors, cause I don’t need anyone more on my back, telling me what I should do.”

“Hey, calm down,” Levi assures me. “We just want you to know we’re here for you, if… you know, if you did that.”

I try to take a deep breath, and I stand up. “I didn’t do it,” I say slowly and deliberately. “Okay? I wouldn’t inflict anything like this on myself, ever. It hurts too much,” I tell them. “It’s nothing.”

“Then what happened?” Marcus asks curiously.

Regan nods eagerly. “If you didn’t then… what?”

I think of a lie. “I… had a run in… with… a lawn mower.”

It’s amazing that I don’t wince or slap myself for it. Well, outwardly, at least.

But hey, they seem to take it. “Now, if you don’t mind,” I tell him. “I have a LOT of studying to do.”

I groan, plopping down. Great, I’m being tutored by a freshie. Well this sucks.

-

But Thomas isn’t too bad. He actually makes a load more sense than whatever my teachers are telling me, and we work through everything that I’ve missed in Calculus, and nearly finish History when the bell rings. I hesitate a minute, watching as he slowly cleans up the desk.

“Do you have another class?” I blurt. “Or- could you stay another ten minutes?”

He looks at me, a little surprised. “You want to work on some more?” He asks.

I flush a little, nodding. “Yeah.”

He shrugs. “Sure, what are you thinking, then?”

I pull out my science book and fifteen minutes pass. We haven’t gotten that far, but far enough that I can go on. He writes me a few notes for me to remember while doing my homework and we part with a wave.

Hurriedly I head down the hall, needing to get to Benji. Hopefully he’s not too worried or anything, cause he said his classes might go a little longer, which was good… I pass by Caleb and smirk, sticking out my foot.

Thud.

Snickers.

I hurry off, grinning to myself, glancing back to see Williams glaring at me. I smirk, flip the bird and hurry off.

Thank goodness he doesn’t see me trip the three steps down and fall on my face. That would have sucked a lot…