When Hope Begins to Fade

Matt was pacing back and forth in the apartment living room that Monday afternoon. It was time that he talked to Amber about that was going on. Jimmy was the only one who knew why he had left the studio early and he’d promised Matt to keep the reason a secret for now. “You’re home early.”

“Well I didn’t really have anything to do at the studio so I thought I’d be here to surprise you,” He began as she stared at his girlfriend. “No wait that isn’t completely true either. I wanted to talk to you actually.”

“Not right now Matt, please. Just let me have a minute of silence or something before we launch into this house thing again. My head is killing me, I’m exhausted, and I just need a minute.”

“Well that is part of what I wanted to talk to you about.” He took a seat in the chair as she closed her eyes and mumbled a string of curses. The fact that she was feeling bad again only made him more suspicious and curious, but today would be the last day he’d had to wonder about it.

Amber held a hand up, signaling that she needed another moment before they could talk about anything. Placing her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands she sighed. He was going to want to know everything this time. Several minutes later she raised her head and grimaced. “Alright now what is it?”

“What do you think it is Amber? I’m worried about you! But first thing is first. Why don’t you want the house?” She sat back on the couch and shook her head no, making her answer clear before she even spoke.

“I said no Matt. We don’t need to get ourselves into something like that, and we don’t really need a house. The apartment is fine. This is the last time we are having this discussion. Maybe in another year or so but not right now.”

“How about space? Do we need or will we need more space?”

“What in the hell are you talking about Matt? This conversation just went from an almost ending right back to square one. Do you mind explaining what your obsession with having more space is because frankly I’m lost.”

“This apartment is fine for the two of us Amber, and the cat. But there isn’t enough space for anyone else.”

“Well that is kind of the point! Hey if you want a dog that bad then lets go down to the shelter and get you a dog, right now. But we do not need a house for just us, the dog, and the cat.” She reached for her keys, completely willing to go get a dog. She was willing to do almost anything that would but this house discussion to rest.

“I’m not talking about getting a dog! I am talking about another person.”

“Alright this just went from weird to weirder. Why would we even need the space for another person. Think about it for one minute with me, it is just you and I.”

“Alright this isn’t working,” Matt whispered to himself, knowing that he was going to have to change his strategy. “I’m trying to ask you if its always going to just be us?”

“Well its not like we’ve ever had this conversation before. Seriously thought Matt, stop with the hinting and just ask me what you want to ask!”

“Alright, fine. Is there anything that you aren’t telling me?”

“Well that really lowers it down for me.”

“I didn’t want to have to come out and ask you this Amber. Are you going to make me? Is there something important going on in our lives that I don’t know about.”

“Oh my God.” Amber pinched the bridge of her nose, growing more frustrated with her boyfriend by the minute. Today she just felt like getting to the point instead of dancing around it, or even putting things easily. “I do not feel like this tonight Matt. Just get to the point so we can be done with this.”

“Lately you’ve been really tired, you keep getting sick to your stomach, then there are the sweet-tooth’s. Is there anything else I don’t know about?” Amber shook her head no. “Alright if you say so. But with all that what am I supposed to think Amber?”

“I have said this to everyone a thousand times lately, I have been stressed out.” Matt stood up and sighed at Amber’s words, knowing that she had her mind somewhere else completely.

“That isn’t what I mean. I’m trying to ask you something. If you are stressed out then why do I still get the feeling that you are hiding something? It just doesn’t make any sense. If we were going to be parents would you tell me?”

“You don’t, you can’t, honestly think that I’m pregnant!” Amber practically flew up from the couch. Completely flabbergasted, she stared at Matt as he paced back and forth. The anger was rapidly rising and Matt’s not answering was only making it worse. “Damn it will you say something!”

“I don’t know what to say Amber! You are showing signs of it, it always seems like you are hiding something, so what the hell am I supposed to think! Even now you aren’t answering the damn question.”

“I shouldn’t have to answer it! You should trust me enough to know that you don’t need to ask me something like that. I cannot believe this, I cannot believe you. Shit Matt, if I was pregnant I would tell you right away. Five years later, you should know that by now.”

“It isn’t a matter of trust! I just thought that you might be afraid of my reaction and hadn’t told me. If you were in my position wouldn’t you ask the same thing?” Matt walked closer to her, feeling his stomach drop to his feet when she backed away from his hands.

“No Matt, I wouldn’t. I trust you, I trust you to tell me things. I thought you trusted me too but apparently I’m wrong.” As she spoke Amber’s eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. Matt tried again to reach out for her, wanting to be able to at least touch her hand. Again she backed away from him. “Just don’t touch me!”

“What are you hiding then Amber?!” Matt’s voice rose suddenly as he spoke even though he didn’t mean for it to.

Torn between a fierce anger and a strong feeling of hurt Amber headed for their bedroom. Matt was left mystified in the living room as she dug through a drawer in the dresser. Returning from the bedroom Amber held a folded piece of paper in her hand, which she then threw down on the coffee table. “There, you can read it for yourself.”

Picking up the folded paper he sighed, unfolding it and squeezing his eyes shut. “You were hiding hotel reservations for a trip after I finish recording?” His eyes met Amber’s suddenly feeling like an idiot.

“I thought it’d be nice for the two of us to just get away together.” Her voice was reduced to a whisper as she spoke. Before he could reply she disappeared to the bedroom, closing the door behind herself, and crawled under the covers.

“Baby?” She didn’t answer Matt’s call, even though his voice sounded more than regretful. “Amber? Please talk to me.”

“Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now.” She heard him mumble something under his breath and disappear to the living room. A silence fell over the apartment as she stayed in bed, feeling more than angry.

“I’m going to Jimmy’s.” Matt didn’t wait for a response before slamming the door behind himself.

“Jackass!” Amber yelled as soon as she heard the door, secretly hoping that he’d still heard her.

***

Matt knocked on the door of Jimmy’s place repeatedly, hearing someone walking towards the door didn’t even stop him. “Hold on to your ass! I am coming!” Jimmy finally yelled, making Matt give up on the knocking. “Impatient tonight are we?”

“I just got into a fight with my girlfriend Jimmy. It isn’t like I’m in the best mood.” With a nod Jimmy moved aside, allowing Matt inside. “I shouldn’t have even asked I guess. Why are women so damn confusing? It isn’t like I asked her because I didn’t trust her.”

“She thought that you didn’t trust her? Well damn man what did you say. You didn’t just blurt out the question right off the bat did you? If you did then you are going to be in some deep shit for a long ass time.”

“I tried to hint at it but she wanted me to get to the point, then she practically lost when I did. Oh and take a guess what she has been hiding.” Jimmy sat down on the couch that was opposite of the chair Matt was occupying, thinking about what it could be. “She had made hotel reservations for the two of us to get away after I finish my vocals for the album.”

“Wow. How much trouble are you in?”

“Well lets see she doesn’t want to talk to me, see me, I’m not allowed to touch her at all, oh and I think she called me a jackass when I left. I’ll let you decide how bad it is.” Matt threw his head back and tried to not focus on the fact that this was their first fight that was this bad.

It took Jimmy a few moments to figure out what he wanted to say to Matt. “Are you going to go back there tonight or do you wanna crash here and let the storm blow over for a while?”

“Somehow I don’t think that staying away is going to make this any better.”

“Did you tell her about the other part?”

“Nope.”

***

“I can’t believe that he would actually think that!” Amber fumed into the phone. Shortly after Matt had left she’d felt the need to talk to someone. Her first thought was to call Esme but she figured that might be a bit awkward. Lisa would just make her even angrier so that was out too. Alyce, Marriah, and Lilly would be perfect though.

“Oh come on Amber are you really that mad at him?” Alyce asked, her voice sounding slightly strained. This was why Amber hadn’t expected to have her on the line for very long. Kellan had plans to take her out for a surprise tonight.

“I’m not mad at him, I am pissed!”

“Are you going to make him sleep on the couch tonight?” Lilly asked, curiosity filling her voice and drawing laughs from Marriah and Lilly.

“Who is sleeping on the couch? Babe I didn’t do anything that I know of!” Zacky’s voice suddenly complained making everyone, including Amber, laugh a little. Lilly explained to him that she wasn’t at all referring to him as Alyce tried to convince Amber to calm down.

It was only a few minutes later that Alyce had to leave. Lilly was next to disappear from the line when Zacky announced that they too were going out. “It isn’t even about what he asked is it?” Marriah asked as soon as it was just she and Amber on the line.

“No. I mean I understand why he would get that impression to some extent. I know that when I’m under stress that I do act strange like that. What pisses me off is that he feels the need to ask me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me to tell him stuff. It was driving me crazy to keep the hotel reservations a secret as it is, I would never keep something as big as a baby from him. I thought he knew that.”

“He does know that, but every now and then don’t we all question things even against our better judgment? Maybe he just thought that you were and you were scared to tell him, or that you hadn’t even realized it. He loves you and he trusts you with anything Amber. He probably just freaked out.”

“Am I being a bitch about it? I don’t want to be but its kind of a reaction if something hurts me.” Amber rolled onto her other side, trying to get comfortable.

“No you aren’t. It hurts to think that the person you love doesn’t trust you, even if you know that they do. I hope that makes sense. I guess what I’m trying to say is you guys have been together for years now and every now and then you are going to get into a fight. It is just a part of life.”

“I hate the fact that I’m mad at him but I can’t really control it.” Marriah laughed and made Amber smile.

“I’m sure that you two will live a few days if you don’t feel like forgiving him right away.” Amber heard a key in the door and sighed. “Is he back from Jimmy’s?”

“Yeah, I can hear him unlocking the door now. I guess I’ll go try and talk to him or at least figure out which of us is sleeping where. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Good luck. Talk to you tomorrow.” After ending the phone call Amber grabbed a pillow from the bed and a blanket from the closet before walking into the living room. Matt was sitting on the couch watching TV.

“Am I allowed to talk to or touch you yet?” He asked without looked over at her right away. She scoffed at him and placed the blanket and pillow onto the couch. “I’m sleeping on the couch tonight?”

“Actually I was going to.” She sat the bundle down before running a hand through her hair. As much as she hated fighting with Matt like this she wasn’t ready calm down.

“No way in hell Amber. If either of us sleep here it is going to be me.” She threw her hands in the air and turned around, cursing under her breath. Matt sighed watched as she walked towards the refrigerator. “What did I do wrong now?”

“Why do you have to be nice even during a fight? Do you realize how agitating it is and how much harder it makes it for me to stay mad at me?” With a bottle of water in hand she disappeared into the bedroom.

“Night! I love you!” Matt yelled after he heard the door close. He heard her groan unhappily and smiled to himself.

***

Lisa stared Amber down the next morning, just waiting for her sister to explode. “Why in the hell are you staring at me like that Lisa? Just stop it alright! I haven’t grown a third head or anything.”

“Something is different about you though. I can’t quiet put my finger on it but there is a difference. Did you do something different with your hair?” Lisa reached her hand out to touch her sister’s hair but Amber just swatted her hand away.

“My hair is exactly the same as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. Let it go Lisa.” Esme walked in and glanced between her daughters, sensing how tense the room was instantly, and then walked out.

Leaning over the counter, Lisa continued to watch her sister closely. “Well aren’t you going to ask me if I’ve saw Johnny again?” Amber let her head fall back, sighing in frustration and irritation.

“Remember when you were 12 and you’d follow Alyce and I every where and copy everything that I did? When you wanted to be a teenager and be cool just because you thought I was? Even to the point that you made an ass out of yourself in front of all the inner families?”

“Please don’t remind me about that. Unfortunately I remember everything about that point in my life. Trust me it isn’t something that I’ll be forgetting any time soon either. How is that relevant to this situation though?”

“Do you remember how much that drove me insane?” Amber watched as Lisa nodded her head yes. “Well you are driving me insane to a degree that almost matches that!”

“Well that is a little harsh don’t you think?”

“Sometimes you make me wish you weren’t home for the summer.” Lisa laughed which only made her sister growl in frustration.

“Why are you so bitchy today? Did you get bad news or something? Jealous because Alyce is getting married and you aren’t? Do tell.”

“No and of course no you idiot. Matt and I got into a fight last night if you must know. Before you ask no, I will not tell you what the fight was about. You aren’t getting any details about it either. You’ll just have to live with your curiosity.”

Lisa shrugged and backed away from the counter, grinning at her sister. “Alrighty then! I’m going to go meet up with the girls for a spa day!” With a wave she jogged out of the store and headed for her car.

Considering that this was the first fight Amber and Matt had experienced to this degree she was a little shocked at how much she hated it. Granted to wasn’t like they’d never disagreed or fought before, what was different this time was that they hadn’t gotten over it before bed. With a sigh she decided that she’d talk to him about everything that evening when he got home.

“Do you want to talk about it sweetheart?” Amber looked towards the direction of Emse’s voice and saw her mother standing a few feet away. There was a sympathetic look in her eyes as she gazed at her older daughter.

“No. I just want everyone to just forget about it and go on like any other day. I’ll work it out with Matt when I get home.”

***

When she arrived at the apartment that evening she was met with silence. As she closed the door behind herself a feeling of unease settled into her stomach, something that she’d never experienced before in the apartment. Forcing herself to ignore the feeling she sat her stuff on the high bar and took a seat there.

“Fine then, don’t say hello. You have gotten so rude lately Miss. Davis. Wait a minute, you are still Miss Davis right?” Amber froze in both anger and fear when the voice reached her ears.

“What in the hell are you doing here?” She spun around and looked Aaron in the eyes, instantly noticing the vengeful glare in them. His lips were curled into the same familiarly evil smirk that she’d seen so many times 5 years before.

“I’m better now, they released me. I thought that since I’m back in town you might be glad to see me again. After all it has been five whole years since I’ve gotten to see your face. I must admit it though, you do look a little more mature than last time we saw each other.” Aaron stood up from the couch and walked towards her.

“I mean what in the hell are you doing in this apartment? I’m giving you two minutes to get out of here or I swear to God that I’ll-” He placed a finger to her lips to silence her.

“Or you’ll kill me? I won’t give you the chance. As much as I’d love to stay I have many more people to go see. My parents are already expecting me home. I’ll see you around,” He slowly backed away from her and started walking towards the door. “Oh and your landlord let me in. I told him that I was family and it was an emergency. He believed the note you sent for me.”

***

With a sigh Matt unlocked the door and walked into the apartment. He’d spent the entire day hoping that Amber still wasn’t mad at him. The smell of fabreeze and kitchen cleaner met his nose the second he took a breath. The living room was freshly cleaned, from top to bottom it appeared. It was then when he heard the sob from the kitchen. “Amber!” The worry began to set in as every possibility ran through his mind.

“Matt!” With tears streaking down her cheeks Amber hurled herself into his arms when he entered the kitchen area. He pulled her closer to him feeling more than slightly panicked. He had no idea where to begin with the questions.

“Aaron was here Matt! He got into our apartment!”

“Are you alright? Did he hurt you?”

“No. I’m so pissed off that he was in here but it scares me at the same time. With one forged note the landlord let him in and he waited here until I got home. I have to clean everything because I know he had to have went through stuff.”

“I’m going to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. He is never going to get in here again. Just calm down, its okay. If you stay pissed then you might do or say something that you’ll regret to someone other than me. I am going to take care of it.”

“I want revenge against him Matt. He had no right to get in here and wait. I want him to know that he can never do that again.” She pulled away and Matt saw the anger blazing in her eyes. The fear that she’d felt before had completely faded into anger now, making her wish that she would have done something to Aaron before he left.