Something That Makes Me Whole

I woke up and groggily rolled onto my back. Then I stared around at my room; at the cardboard boxes and empty walls. I smiled, before climbing quickly out of bed and heading into the living room where everyone was. They all looked up at me as I bounced passed them in nothing but my matching black and turquoise Famous Stars and Straps underwear and wife beater.

I busied myself with getting some coffee when I felt something wrap it's arms around my leg. I looked down to see Amber, who gazed up at me with her big brown eyes. "Do you have to go? I like staying with you better than staying with my nanny."

I crouched down and gave her a hug. "It's my job, sweetie." I said smiling at her gently.

"I don't like your job." She said, her bottom lip quivering. "It's making you go away from me and daddy and we're going to be sad."

"I'll be back really soon." I promised as I wiped a tear from her soft cheeks.

"Five months is a long time for a four year old Orchid." Brian said standing behind me. I stood and turned to him.

"Yeah and I'm just trying to go about this the easy way." I hissed at him; we hadn't sorted out our spat at the weekend even though I spent it looking after him. We spoke as little as possible and avoided each other when we could.

"The easy way is to not go at all." Brian hissed back.

"I'm afraid to say, I'm not going to be a babysitter for the rest of my life." I retorted pushing passed him. "As soon as Christmas is over New York is my oyster because Orchid-Rose is back and no bitchy, underweight anorexic is going to stop her. Neither is her obnoxious ex-flatmate."

At that I closed my door behind me and began boxing up the last few things. Namely my bed sheets and ornaments that still adorned the dresser. I'd left them there just for Amber because she liked to look at them. Just then I remembered something and I left the room, half dressed since I'd only got as far as putting on my favourite black dickies.

I went and sat next to Amber where she was on the sofa and handed over the two metallic purple and silver parcels. "These, are your Christmas presents, but I thought you might like them now to cheer you up, if your daddy doesn't mind."

Amber looked over the back of the sofa at him where he was sat at the kitchen counter, staring sulkily into nowhere. She asked and he nodded so she yelled excitedly and began on the first one. When she chucked the paper away from her, for Zack to pick it up, she held up the dress inside. It was purple with black lace similar to one of her tops; that's why I made it. "Wow!!" She exclaimed her eyes widening. She stood up and held it to herself. "Daddy look!"

Brian was just sitting down in one of the arm chairs. "That's pretty, isn't it?"

"It's like that top you brought for me for that party." Amber said as she handed it over to him and he carefully folded it up; I looked over at him and he quickly looked away, his cheeks an undeniable red. His daughter picked up the smaller present and pulled off the paper. A thin silver chain dropped into her hands, with two silver wing pendants on the end. I brought that because she liked mine.

I smiled at her as she put it on and span around, making it swing. Then she stopped, came over to me and hugged me. "Thank you mommy, I mean Orchid."

Everyone fell silent and I stared at her as did Brian. "Oh, err, I'm glad you like them."

Amber let go of me and I instantly stood and went into my room. I closed the door and leaned up it. Mommy? I'm not going to be anybodies mom, I don't want kids. Then why did you tingle like you do when you're excited when she called you mommy? I pushed away from the door and finished what I had started.

When I came out of my room an hour later Brian and Amber weren't there; well, not in the main room anyways. His bedroom door was closed and I wondered if they were in there. Everyone else was sitting around in front of the TV watching cartoons. I yanked the remote off Matt and switched it to Dexter's Laboratory.

After a while Brian and Amber came through the front door. Not in his room then. I went back to watching the TV and eventually they joined us. Around twelve Felix burst into the room, breaking our numbed-by-TV silence with his high pitched voice. "Okay I'm sorry to break up your little camp out, but we have to get your stuff out sweetie." He said and we all peeled ourselves from one another.

I went and pulled on my leopard print dolly shoes and went in search of a hoody. I had to settle for my Foo Fighters one since all my others were in boxes that had already been moved out to a van outside. I wasn't going straight to New York. I was going to my parents for Christmas and heading for the Big Apple on January 4th. All I had to do was tell my parents if they hadn't already read about it or been told by one of my fathers congress.

Box by box the room slowly emptied a little leaving not much trace that I once lived there. Finally, we all walked down and outside to my car where some of the boxes were in the boot; the rest were going into storage. I dug my hand into my pocket and began trying to pull out the keys; Sarah stopped me and hugged me. "Calm down, you can always disown your dad."

I looked down at the floor. "I don't want it to come to that though."

"It won't." Zack said rubbing my arm. "It's a dad thing. They can't argue with their daughters."

I looked up at him, sighed then finished pulling my car keys from my pocket. Then I began to remove the door key for the apartment. "Her dad tried to get her exorcised because he thought the devil was inside her and that was what had made her become a model. Then he didn't talk to her for a year." I heard Sarah whisper to him as Jimmy gave me a hug.

"Go get famous and get yourself a boyfriend." He said stepping back from me; I looked up at him surprised having not expected him to come out with something like that.

"I'll do that." I replied, plastering a fake smile to my face. "Anyway, I best be going. My parents are expecting me not to be late because they have visitors."

Everyone hugged me goodbye and threatened me so that I would ring them everyday. Amber came up and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her pendant was around her neck and I had visions of it never coming off. "Now, you go on back inside with the others. You'll catch a cold." I said as I stood up. "I promise I will call."

She hugged me once last time, as did Sarah and they all went back inside. I turned to my car now I was alone and went through the ring of keys, even though there was no point. He didn't even have the heart to come and say bye to me; it's not like I'm asking for an apology.

"Orchid."

I turned to look at him and we stood in silence for a few minutes. "Thank you, for looking after Amber." He said, meeting my eyes and coming closer. "And thank you for keeping me in line."

I shrugged. "I don't think I did keep you in line."

"Oh, you did." He smiled and I smiled back. "I'm gonna miss having you around and not just because you looked after Amber for me."

"You really mean that?" I asked watching him, stunned.

"Is it really that hard to believe?"

"Yes."

He laughed which forced a smile from me and not a fake smile like all the others I'd stuck to my face so far that day.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around then?" He said, staring at his feet.

"Yeah, I guess you will."

"Take care. New York's a dangerous place."

"It's not that dangerous, not when you have a ten foot bodyguard watching your every move." I replied with a light laugh. "Two ten foot bodyguards even."

Was this his way of telling me he was sorry? I don't know and I to be quite frank, I don't care. I was just happy he came to see me before I went. "You err, you best get going or your dad won't be happy." He finally said after a silence.

"Yeah." I just stood staring at him, fiddling with my car keys, reluctant to get in and drive home. When he didn't say anything and I couldn't, I turned and pulled open the door. At that Brian came even closer to me.

"I really mean it when I say take care, Orchid." He said and kissed me on the cheek. "Look after yourself. I'll be checking."

I simply nodded and climbed into the soft leather seats and he pushed the door closed for me. I pulled on the seat belt and put the keys into the ignition, starting up the quiet purr. Then I pulled away and headed for the exit, waving to Brian as I went.