Something That Makes Me Whole

Everybody looked at me and I folded my hands in my lap, looking down at them. Then I looked up and glanced at every face watching me. I took a deep breath and decided just to get on with it because if I put it off now, when would I tell them? "I've decided to drop out of college."

Mom, Georgina and Cody all pretended to look shocked; the younger ones didn't seem to care and I'm not sure about the rest of them. Especially my dad. "I beg your pardon?" He said, pushing his spectacles back up his nose.

"I'm dropping out of college." I repeated. "Or, I already have even."

"What are you going to do?"

"Fashion design-"

"Well that's what you are doing anyway, isn't it?" He replied, looking confused.

"Yeah but, I'm not just going to do that, dad." I said, picking at the table cloth nervously. "I've got a modelling contract and I'm moving to New York for five months."

My dad began to choke on his mouthful. He may as well have been sporting devils horns and red eyes the way he was looking at me; his temple was also bulging. His forehead frowning so deep the wrinkles were bigger than my Nana's. I honestly thought his head was going to explode from anger. "You mean you are turning your back on God?!"

I frowned back at him and the atmosphere felt so tense that not only could it be cut with a knife but Quinn started to cry. "I think you may find that asshole never really existed for me." I hissed through my teeth, feeling contempt with the way my dad was getting angrier. "He hasn't exactly helped me in anyway in my life so why should I believe in him?"

"Not helped you? Not helped you?!" He roared, coming to his feet and making Quinn cry even harder. "You would never have got through your, your illness if it wasn't for him!"

"Say it dad because I know for a fucking fact you don't mean my anorexia!" I screamed back standing up and my chair slamming back on the floor. Mom and Georgina ushered everyone out of the room, though Cody stayed sitting where he was watching the scene unfold. I could still hear Quinn crying from where we were stood and I felt guilty for making her cry.

"Your modelling." He hissed then crossed himself.

"Well if you don't like it, you don't have to have anything to do with me." I simply said heading away to the door. "And when I get married and have kids, it'll be you missing out. Not mom, not Georgi, not Cody. You."

I stormed out but I knew he was following me. I also heard a multitude of feet on the stairs so I knew others were following. I slammed my bedroom door closed and began to gather all my stuff together once again. I pulled my phone from my pocket and rang Felix's number. Then I headed down the stairs with everything and everyone.

"Where do you think you're going?" Dad yelled.

"New York." I simply said. "That way you won't ever have to worry about your daughter, who is so possessed by the devil she is a sin in her own right." Then the call kicked in. "Hey, Felix, I'm heading for New York today."

"What? Why?"

"Err, I have my reasons." He knew that to be the 'I'll tell you later' so he dropped it.

"How are you getting there? Flights are all booked up until well after New Year now."

"I'm driving. I wanna get away as soon as possible."

"Okay, well, ring me again about, seven-ish if you can okay? I'm gonna try and get you a hotel room or something."

"Okay, talk to you later Felix."

I shut off the call and turned to my family. "I'll call as soon as I get to New York, mom." I said giving her a hug, before moving onto the other family. Then I scooped up Quinn in my arms; Amber made me realise that kids weren't all as bad as I had made them out to be. "Have fun okay Quinny Bear?"

She nodded, her nose all snotty from crying. "Be good for your mommy and look after the new baby for me, won't you?" Again she nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck in a hug. Then I set her back down on her feet and walked out to my car; Cody had grabbed some of my stuff from me to make it easier and I simply slung it all into the boot.

"I'm sorry, about that Ozzy." He said giving me another hug. "I still love you even if he doesn't."

"I know, I love you too. Take care of mom and Georgi for me."

Cody nodded then let me get in the car. I drove for a good six hours before I decided it would be a sensible idea for me to stop. I checked in at some five star hotel and collapsed onto the bed before crying non-stop for almost half an hour. Then I rang my mom, then Sarah who sorta yelled at me then sympathised and told me I'd done the right thing. I then found out she was at Zack's parents with him for Christmas so he spoke to me too but not about anything meaningful or helpful - just about how many helpings of Christmas dinner he'd had and how many different types of pudding his mom had made and about the 'super cool black studded dog collar' he got for his dog Ichabod.

Then I decided to ring Brian. Yes we had parted without actually apologising or making up over the argument we had when he was ill, but a change of ear was always good when you needed to get something off your chest. Plus, I could talk to Amber if she was still awake. That and the fact I just wanted to hear his smooth Californian accent again.

I waited, listening to the annoying 'ring-ring' of the phone whilst I lay on the hotel bed, flipping television channels. Christmas TV really, genuinely is shit unless you're a kid. Suddenly it kicked in and I felt butterflies fill my stomach. "Dude, err, so yeah I'm not here to answer at the minute. If you leave me a message I might call back, depends who you are. If you're Orchid I'll definitely be calling back. If you're another of my college friends I might call you back. If you're my band mates or family, I will call back. Anybody else you'll be lucky." There was a beep in my ear and I smiled knowing he intended on calling back.

"Oh, err, hey Brian. I was just calling to vent off some steam but like you said you're not able to answer. Erm, hope you have a good New Year. Say hi to Amber for me and I guess I'll see you around. Bye."

I disconnected the call and chucked my phone across the bed before falling deeply asleep.