Something That Makes Me Whole

Over the weeks I found myself spending less and less time actually going to my lectures and more of it spent with Amber. And the more time I spent with her, the more I was around Brian and I knew I was falling for him. The bad thing about it all though was that I couldn't stop seeing Jimmy because I didn't want to hurt him.

There was also the very enticing return to modelling that was niggling in my mind and I found myself missing it. I mean, I didn't miss the bitchiness and I didn't miss my anorexia, but the rest of it I loved. I watched as Amber wandered round the tables to the cake stand to choose what she wanted.

Suddenly Sarah was dropping into the seat opposite me and waving around a glossy excitedly and squealing. I looked up at her from my sketchbook as Zack and Brian dropped down into the spare seats; the pair of them were both grinning just not as manically as Sarah. I switched my attention back to Sarah who was struggling to talk because she was so excited.

"Damn, Sarah, what's got you all excited?" I asked with a smile as Amber returned and Brian lifted her onto his lap.

"You." She grinned.

"Me? What have I done?" I frowned. "Short of announcing I'm the Christmas Tree Fairy?"

"You are on the front cover of Vogue!" She yelled and showed me the front cover.

"Huh?" I said grabbing it from her hand and studying the front cover; sure enough there I was on the cover with big bold words across the front leading you to the article. I flipped the pages to the article which was a double spread and the big picture was of me, Brian and Amber when we went shopping the other day. The little caption to it read 'Orchid shows she still has what it takes' which is stupid because all I was wearing was my baby pink 'Boys are Stupid' skinny tee, my grey dickies with my white studded belt and my worn out black Converses. I did not look like a glamorous model in that get up.

It took me five minutes to read through the entire article. Even though they mentioned that I was looking better after my near-death experience, and wrote about a possible return to the industry, the article was actually talking about me and Brian and about him being my new love interest or something.

Brian pulled it across and grinned as he read through it. He obviously found this all so amusing. "Since when did you buy Vogue?" I questioned Sarah who was finally breathing and normal - well, normal for Sarah.

"I didn't buy it, Zack brought it because you were on the front and then we spotted you and came in just as Brian was." She explained. I sat back in the seat as people looked our way and I spotted a few people with the same magazine on the table.

"Man I look good." Brian smirked so I kicked him under the table and he whined as he rubbed his leg. Zack and Sarah just laughed. I was still conscious of the people looking at me and I felt like saying something to them, but I just bit my tongue in the company we were in. That was also a down side to the industry: the fact people stared at you with or without a camera lens glued to their face.

"Jimmy won't like that." Zack mumbled as he himself read the article.

"Jimmy will have to learn to deal." I retorted. "Besides, we're only seeing each other. It's not like you two now, is it?"

"You're only in it for the se-err bedroom love." Sarah said, quickly amending her words when she remembered Amber.

"But apparently, according to some woman, you two are quite in love." Zack grinned; I grabbed the magazine and hit him round the head with it. "What? The body language person said it!"

I sighed, pulled my hood over my head, shoved on my sunglasses and sunk down into my seat. This was bad. Well, it could have been bad had I not got feelings for Brian. It was probably bad to him because he was an ass and I could tell he was dying to get laid and if he was seen to be in a relationship that could jeopardize his chances.

After a while I got all my stuff together and left. Just as I was pulling my car door open Sarah appeared on the other side and climbed in too. She smiled at me as I pulled off my hoody and shoved all my stuff in the back seat. Then I started up and pulled out. "You don't wanna be with Jimmy, do you?" She asked me and I glanced across at her.

"I'm not with him in the first place." I grumbled in reply.

"Well you've sorta got a relationship."

"Pfft." I pushed my hair from my face and looked away from her. "Staying in his bed everynight does not constitue a relationship, Sarah."

Sarah frowned at me. "Don't get in an arse with me because you've screwed up with guys!"

"Why would Brian even second glance me, Sarah?" I said wanting to look across at her. "I have a hideous body because of my anorexia."

Sarah stared at me incredulously. "You have a great body. Yes you look a little too thin for comfort but at least you're not so thin you're dying anymore."

"Yes but the girls he's brought back-"

"Orchid. Just shut up, okay?" She was giving me her look that told me not to mess with her so I shut my trap and concentrated on driving. And Brian. After a while of silence I decided to break it. "That article was true, I am going back into modelling."

Sarah didn't relax but continued to stare out of the window. I realised I'd pissed her off by going on about my looks. She always got pissed off at that and wouldn't talk to me for ages which I hated because she was my best friend; she was the one who got me through my anorexia, whilst my dad was praying to some big in the sky and not offering anything to me.

"You're not going to stop eating again are you?" She asked quietly but still looking out of the window.

"God no!"

"But you'll be leaving college?" Now she looked at me and she looked upset.

"Sarah, you've got Zack and he loves you so much. You won't be lonely."

"He's never told me that."

"He told me, but anyway." I said as I slowed to pull into the parking lot of our campus. "Yes I will be leaving, but I'm staying right here so you can come see me everyday and stay with me."

"What do your parents say?"

"I haven't told them yet, but it's obvious what dad will say."

I killed the engine but we remained in the seats. In silence. It sat half way between awkward and comfortable which is a weird mix. "What about Brian?"

"What about him?"

"As much as he won't admit it and as much as you're in denial about it, he needs you around and not just for Amber."

With that she climbed out and headed off. I sunk down into the leather seat and buried my face in my hands. I'd forgotten about Amber in all of this.