Your Hazel Green Tint Eyes Watching Every Move I Make

"I love you, Brian. I'll never tire of saying it no matter if you're awake to hear it or not. I love you. I know things are wrong and messed up. But I'm going to fix it, and I won't let it happen again. I'm going to stop hurting you, even if you never forgive me for already doing so. I'm so glad you fell asleep, because I need to tell you these things but I know I'd never do it when you actually could hear me. They didn't mean anything to me and I hated every second I spent with them. I came to the realization that all the excuses and lame 'it's not cheating' pep talks I gave myself were bullshit. No matter what I call it, it comes down to one point. I don't deserve you. I never wanted to hurt you, Brian. Synny. My Syn. You're more to me than they'll ever were, but I couldn't seem to stop no matter how much I said I'd never do it again. I love you." This is what Zacky was murmuring as his fingers played through my hair, his head on my chest. He was so intent in getting out what he had to say, he didn't notice the changing in my breathing that said I was no longer asleep.

I felt the tears well up but I held them once again. Not because of wanting to act tough but because I didn't want Zacky to know I heard him. No such luck. My breathing hitched but I managed to get the words out anyway, "I forgave you. The moment I stopped being so mad I forgave you. It still hurt though, so I wanted to hurt back"

He stopped, "What?"

"I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew something wasn't right. But only that last time, since the club. You'd never been pissy with me and you had never not cared if we went home together cause at the end of the night I was still yours and you were still mine now matter how bad the argument got. So I knew something was wrong. But . . .I didn't know what. I wasn't so surprised when you told me, and I knew you had your reasons, however crappy. So I forgave you." I turned my head a bit to stare down at him.

He made a slight panicked face before my hand connect with his cheek. Not in a slap or a punch but in a caress. Yes, a caress. I pulled him down for a small peck of a kiss and slipped my arms around his waist. He pulled back a bit, "Brian, are you sure . . . ?"

I nodded, "Yes. It's not because of the I love you's and not because you didn't ask for my forgiveness, but because you told me. Even if Matt threatened you, essentially you wanted me to know and you knew you'd done wrong. And I'm sure you have your reasons for doing what you did. But what we have is so much more important than that or the hurt it caused. I'm not going to stop berating you now and hope we can be us again. Just know that I expect more from you now and part of that more is you telling me what I can do to make things better with us."

Because I blamed myself. If I'd been better for Zacky, maybe more loving and less . . . dominating I guess . . ., he wouldn't have went elsewhere to get what he needed.

I guess he saw that blame in my eyes because he snuggled close to me, "No. Don't. Please. I've been over this a thousand times in my head and the plain simple truth of the matter was that I wanted everything all of the time. A 'have your cake and eat it too' kind of thing you know?"

I nodded and pushed myself closer to him, for once being the one to need his comfort and love. He mumbled I love you's into my ear that I returned whole heartedly. A few moments later, I raised up to look down at him, "Next time, just tell me what you want. You got a itch? I'm pretty damn sure I can scratch it."

He smiled at the fact that we were talking in cliches and raised up to meet my lips in a soft kiss before letting his lips wander. They landed on one of the many tattoos littering my arms and I was jolted into a happy memory.


Zacky smirked at me as I surveyed the board in front of me. We were being careful to not be too touchy feely where we were at, with good reason. I'm pretty sure the heavily muscled man at the counter waiting on me to decide on what I wanted for my first tattoo wouldn't be too thrilled to find out the two guys in front of him were faggots.

I shook my head a bit and smiled at him before turning my gaze back to the cartoon characters, gang symbols, emblems, and even religious things that could adorn my body in ink. I made a small growling noise in the back of my throat and walked on ahead. None of these things were it. Zacky tagged along behind me and I realized we were out of sight of the big scary guy so I moved closer to him and murmured in his ear, "Which would your initials look best in, babe?"

We were standing in front of this big board of odd and old looking letters. Each of the Z's looked pretty weird yet cool to me, and I wanted his opinion. He wasn't getting it though, he didn't realize what I wanted as my tattoo. He just shrugged and stood by waiting for my decision.

I rolled my eyes, "Zacky! Tell me."

"Uhhh, these." He pointed to some odd looking letters. I glanced over them and smiled.

Sure ZB would look good in them, I decided and turned back to him, "How about right here?"

I was pointed to a spot just below my elbow. It was actually a spot that Zacky loved, because it bulged and moved a bit when I worked my fingers over the frets of the guitars we played at least once a day. He frowned, and then his face lit up with understanding, "You want my initals there? But, Bri, that's so plain . . .and what if-?"

I knew what he was going to say. What if we broke up and I was still tagged as his? Well he needed to forget that. It wasn't happening. I just smiled and shrugged, "I want to. So right there? ZB?"

He smiled, his cheeks tinting red in pleasure and he nodded, his fingers reaching out to skim my arm where I intended to get inked, "ZJB."

I smiled, "J standing for?"

He rolled his eyes, "James."

I smiled, "I like it. ZJB and BEH, right there."

He didn't bother asking what the E stood for. I wouldn't answer and he could always just ask what my father's name was later and get it out of me. He nodded and I went to the front of the shop. Thirty minutes later, Zacky was rubbing some gel crap onto my newly tattooed arm and smiling. I smiled back and pecked his lips, forgetting where we were at. My eyes widened and I pulled back abruptly. The man behind the counter chuckled and I looked over to see him sitting with a guy perched on his lap, completely ruining his tough facade.
Zacky giggled and I laughed. We waved at him and exited the building hands intwined.
I looked down at Zacky and smiled. Like the ink staining my skin, this love was eternal and though it may fade, it'd never go away.