Breakdown, Dreams, and Resurrection

I was at Sean's son's baptism, and the feeling of being in a church when I wasn't a religious person was a little uncomfortable.

I haven't been in a church for what seems like forever. The set up was still generic and totally predictable; I swear churches haven't changed since the 1800's. The only things that are new are the faces; devined and devoted Christians who embraced the religion thanks to their parents influence, or people who converted to it, most likely because of the idea of Heaven. People like the idea that you can sin, ask God for forgiveness, and be saved and end up in Heaven for eternity.

I'm not saying that people who are Christian are foolish. Some people miss the hypocracy, though, and don't understand that the Bible is strewed with mistakes and metaphors. Miracles don't happen everyday, or that often at all, so how did the virgin Mary have a baby? If you believe in science, you know that the virgin birth couldn't have possibly happened. It's just the way they tried to display the fact that no lust was involved, because they didn't want Christian's participating in that sin. The whole idea is miscontrued, in my opinion, and I-

Nobody can hear your thoughts other than Jimmy and me,
so stop acting all polite towards Christianity.

Yeah, BJ.
Tell these faith fanatics off before I explode.

Why would you explode?

Because these bastards don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Yeah. They read a pretty book and decided to abide by it.
Why don't they read Charlotte's Web? Then they'd all worship fuckin' spiders and pigs.

It's just a religion. People can believe whatever they want to believe; you can't decide for them.

We should made a religion, Chris.

Yes!

No.
Just shut up so I can get through this.
After this baptism, I'm going to the doctors and telling them the Cynosporian aparently didn't work.

Why so calm, Armstrong?
I was anticipating screaming, crying, and insulting, but you left me with nothing.
I'm actually disappointed, but perhaps it's the calm before the storm.

Yeah! I wanted to see a good, epic show, but, no!
You had to bring me down before I even introduced myself.

I don't understand who you are at all.
You're St. Jimmy - a character I made up to put in one of my albums. I understand that you are a part of my subconcious, but how the fuck are you a personality like Christian? You're just a memory, nothing more.

You don't remember-
Oh...that's right. You got that...thing done.

What thing?

I'm not going to tell you.
But I was here before -as a personality- and then you kicked me out.
I don't know or care why I'm a fuckin' character in one of your lame CD's, but that's why I'm here.

How?

I'm not going to tell you!

Can you tell me? Later?

No way! I'm not risking Blow Job hearin' us.
There's no fuckin' way he's pulling what he did 3 years ago.
And since he doesn't remember, we're in business.

Fine, then.
When's this shin-dig 'sposed to begin? I'm getting ansty.

Why? You don't have to deal with it.

Yes, I do!
I'm trapped inside your stupid little head again, and it's getting irritating.

Then why the fuck did you have to come back!?
How the fuck did you come back!?

That's for me to know and for you to never find out, Armstrong.

How cliche, Chris.
But, yes. We worked up a masterful plan that you will remain oblivious to.
Why? Because we're major dicks.

I just sighed as the baptism began. Everything went well and it didn't last as long as I thought it would, but it felt like an eternity thanks to Christian and St. Jimmy bitching and moaning the whole time about the idiocracy of religion.

What about Hinduism? Reincarnation? What the fuck, you know?
I don't want to come back as some fuckin' insect when I could be what I am now:
a personality that fucks with the perfect target - little ol' Armstrong here.

Yeah, thanks for that. You're destruction is much appreciated.

Aw, what? Is Armstrong getting sarcastic?

Armstrong's getting pissed off, that's what Armstrong's getting.

Well, suck it up and deal with it.
We aren't leaving any time soon.

And how are you so sure?

Before one of the martyrs could give me an answer, the preacher cleared his throat and told us he was going to give us a speech. Aparently, he speaks about differernt religious topics every week at some other church down in El Sobrante, and he figured us deadbeats would be interested in whatever he has to say.

I'm prepared to mock.

Ditto.
Let the mockery commence!

"My topic today is 'glory'," he began. "Glory is a difficult topic in every sense, but especially tedious to explain in a religious one. To feel glorified, one must pay his dues and give back to the planet in an unselfish way; at least, that's how you can receive true glory. Some people try to accept glory, but in all of the wrong ways. Glory is something you cannot force, but something you must allow into your life as you create it. Glory-"

Yaaaaaawwwnn.

How many times is this fucker going to say 'glory'?
Seriously. We get it. You like glory.
You know what I like? Orgys. It kinda rhymes with 'glory', so why not talk about that for an hour?
Better yet, bring in some girls and I'll demonstrate.

Glory makes me think of Gloria,
which makes me want to puke up everything I just ate.

How is that bitch?

Bitchy.

Oh, really?
I would've never guessed.

Gloria?

I had completley forgotten about Gloria, which was odd. You'd figured once Christian came back into my mind, Gloria would come along also, but she didn't - Jimmy did. Now I wonder where the hell Gloria is.

You don't have to wonder long, Billie.

Hey, Billie!
Long time, no corruption.

Aw, fuck my life.
You both had to show up?
One is already too much, but two is suicide.

Why the hell are you here, Whatsername?
I thought I'd kill myself before I saw you're sorry ass again.

The name is Nancy, remember?
And I'm the sorry ass?
Oh, how wrong you are you pathetic pile of steaming-

Shh! Shh! Stop arguing!
I want to talk to Billie!

Don't tell us what the fuck to do, Gloria.

Yeah. Get the fuck outta here.
Things were better before you guys had to poke your fat heads in here.

I'm not going anywhere, so get used to it.
I had to deal with Fink to find you. Fink!
And Reverand, but Fink!
I could kill you all right now, and I wouldn't get rid of all this agitation.

Billie!? Billie, please, say something!
It's me - Gloria! Oh, how I've missed you!
You don't know what it's been like! The Cynosporian combined Christian and me as one memory, so I was trapped in Strangeland with him for over a year! Talk about wanting to hang myself! Jimmy and him aparently worked up a plan and got out, so Nancy and I had to hunt Fink and Rev down to find out where the hell they went. We were trying to find a way out when you resurrected the memory of me somehow, and Nancy came along since she was with me.

Fascinating.
You just wasted a minute of our time telling us shit we already know.

Billie doesn't know!

Yeah, 'cause he's stupid!
Bahahaha.

Not funny, Chris.

I thought it was.
Your funny box is rusty, Nancy; I need to get it runnin' again, sweetie.
Mind if I get your vagina working too? I bet it's a bit rusty also.

You're lucky I don't walk over there and slice you into little diabolical pieces, you sonuvabitch.

Aw, you hurt Whatsername's feelings.
Aparently her vagina is really rusty.

Can you guys cut it out for 2 seconds!?

1...2
I just got deja vu for some reason.

Fuck off already, Christian.

Billie?

"Billie?"

I opened my eyes. I looked to my right and say Tre staring at me intently. "You OK?" I nodded slightly, and Tre just smiled a little. "I know this speech is boring as hell, but stick it out with me. Don't leave me hangin' by a hyprocritical thread."

I forced a smile as I kicked myself in the ass for lying to him. I should have told him no, and quietly snuck him out back and explained this situation to him. I guess that wouldn't have worked too hot since I can't understand what's going on myself.

Billie!? Please, answer me already!

What!?

...Hi.

Hello, Gloria.
What the hell are you doing here?

I already said that you must have resurrected your memory of me somehow.
So, here I am! And Nancy came along.

Nancy?

For God's sakes, Blow Job! Weren't you paying attention?
Now Gloria's going to have to talk double than she would have had to because you need a hearing aide.

Oh, bite me.

Happily!

You're disgusting, Christian.

Are you calling yourself disgusting?
Because I have to beg to differ. You're pretty perky, actually.

Go to hell.

What the fuck, Gloria?
Learn how to accept a damn compliment.

I will when you learn to compliment better.

How was that a bad compliment?

It was sexist, demeaning-

"Shut up!" I shouted aloud.

Everyone in the church turned around and stared at me, stunned. I felt Tre's eyes glaring at me with worry and surprise as well before I stood up and walked out of the place swiftly. I was in no mood to try to explain myself, especially when an explanation would do no good when I barely knew what to say.

Whoa, deja vu again!
Didn't you say that to the wife or something?

Shut up, Christian.

Jeez! Are those your favorite words?

I ignored Christian as I entered my car and began driving home. I realized that was a bad idea because I knew I looked like I saw a ghost and Adrienne would ask questions. I had nowhere else to go, so I pulled into the parking lot of a Holiday Inn and rubbed my forehead tentativly. It was already aching, and I was feeling the familiar agony I experienced when I had full-blown MPD.

And it had resurrected somehow, and I had become helpless.