You May Hold Me but I Am Not Your Slave

I’ve been locked in my room for two days now. My days were long with no one to talk to and my nights were Hell. Daniel would come up to my room and kick me, hit, slice, and kiss me. The only thing I’m grateful for is him not raping me. I’ve never been rape, close, but not exactly. It was 10:30 pm, and Daniel hasn’t come yet. He’s usually here by 8 o’clock. So I was enjoying this time as much as I could, by going through all of my old stuff in my closet. I went through old photographs and books I read when I was younger. I forgot all about some of the things I had stashed away, especially Floyd. Floyd is a stuffed Hippo. Yes, yes I know I shouldn’t have a stuffed animal at my age, but Floyd is special to me. We’ve been through a lot together. I remember the first time my eyes ever fell on Floyd’s grey, soft, smooth fur: it was when I was in a car accident at age 4, same age as Beth. My dad came into the hospital room with his hands behind his back, and when he brought them into view…low and behold my future best friend. I ran my hand over Floyd’s head smiling at my memories. I picked him up and walked over to my bed cradling him in my arms. I sat up against the wall sitting on my pillows.

“Saul said he would save me.” I whispered to Floyd gazing up at the blackened ceiling. “He promised.” I choked up on my words. “But,” my face stretched as I held back my tears. I bowed my head and let out a heavy sob, “I-I…don’t think he’ll…find me.” I let my tears flow down without care. I haven’t cried since my foster dad died 9 months ago, and it felt nice to release the build. “I want to go home, without all of this…” I breathed heavily looking up again with water brimming my eyes, “I’m tired.” I exclaimed loudly, “I want everything to just stop!” I screamed angrily throwing Floyd across the room. I calmed down staring at the hippo on the floor. My face became relaxed and I begun climbing off the bed to retrieve him, but glass shattering stopped me in my tracks. I froze in my position looking at the door: the direction of the noise. I waited for any other sound, but nothing came to my ears. I looked back at Floyd and then jumped off my bed sprinting to the door.

My hand met the handle and I tried to open it. But it only turned a mere centimeter. I huffed and looked around the room…I need something sharp but wavy. Aha! I made my way over to my jewelry box and picked out a bobby pin. When I got back to the door voices came from outside my window. I skidded to a stop in front of the glass and saw two men across the street…probably drunk. Whoo, I thought it was Daniel. I don’t have much time if he isn’t here…it’s now or later. If I’m already swimming in my own blood, then fuck it, let me burn in it as well. I hurried over to the door and stared it down…gathering all of my strength. I lifted my leg and kicked the door. A loud crack emerged but no opening. “Shit.” I mumbled. I made the same move 2 more times and my door finally came down. I peeked out to see if he was here but just didn’t come up, but no one came. That’s when I made a run for it. I hurried downstairs, probably looking insane, and started digging through the bottom drawer of my desk in the sitting room. I pulled out my little orange lighter and then went into the bathroom for rubbing alcohol. Once I had these two necessities I darted back upstairs, grabbed Floyd outta my room, and lit my room on fire. Yes, deranged…but I need to get away. I filled my mouth with the alcohol, lit my lighter, and held the flame up to the curtains while spitting the liquid out. The blaze sent a sudden heat wave around the house so I dashed down the stairs to finish up. I dumped some of the alcohol onto my couch, carpet, and walls, and let this hellhole burn down into the pits of Lucifer. My second fire…both fires about 2 weeks a part. Wow, I should really get a transgender operation done, I hate going through this all. I got out of the loft safely and into the crowd of people on the street watching my home become ash. I didn’t look back. It was only Floyd and me running to anywhere but here. Daniel will never find me, but I will find Saul. I ran down the street with brick buildings and late night coffee shops all around me. I will truly miss Seattle: because I’m never coming back here. I slowed to a walk once I was a good mile away but still never stopped. I thought about a plan to get out of this city: I take a train to Kansas, hitch a ride to the east, and take another train up to New York. From New York City I could find myself easily back over to Ashley’s and Sam’s house. But what if it doesn’t work? What if nobody is home? What if Daniel is there waiting for me? How will I get on a train with no money? Oh my gosh! Why am I so stupid enough to think up a crazy plan like this? The train station came into view and I still was on my way to my destination…which is where again? Oh, yes! New York. I walked up to the booth to receive a ticket, but had to stand 3 people away from the window. I waited nervously, how the hell am I going to get a ticket?

“M’am?” the lady said behind the window.

I looked up from the ground and noticed I was still in my spot, but it was my turn, “Oh, I-I’m sorry.” I briskly made my way to her but kept my head down: I didn’t want to show her my bruises and cuts on my face, she would call the cops on a fucking vampire.

“Excuse me, would you like to buy a ticket?”

I don’t know why, but I just broke down right then and there. I inhaled deeply and looked up at her with tears streaming down my face. Her face went from annoyed to caring and sorrow. Tears started brimming her eyes too.

She nodded understanding right away what I’ve been through, “Where do you need to go?”

“New York.” I whispered.

“Here,” she slid the tickets under the window, “Get out of this place my dear, you’ll be safer away from the man who did that to your stunning beauty.”

I smiled and cried more, “Thank you.”

She returned my smile gently and let me onto the train. I stepped around the booth and gave the man my ticket. He helped me up onto the steps and left me alone to find a seat. I went into the car to my right and saw that it was a little too empty. If Daniel ever finds me I want to be near as much people as possible, so I got out of that car and went into the one across from it. This car was crammed. I squeezed between men and woman with a thin tank top on and rolled up grey sweats, and my bra was showing, but right now I didn’t really give a fuck. I mean, why would I worry about a bra showing when I just got the shit beat out of me, burned down a house, and not eating for 3 days straight? Yeah, now tell me to pull up my shirt. I sat down next to a fairly pretty business woman, but she didn’t pay attention to me, she was just talking away on her cell phone. I sat criss-cross applesauce on the bench and let my hair fall to cover my ugly face. It was actually somewhat quiet. Yeah, there were conversations, but they were hushed. A little giggle danced into my ear and I looked up to see who it came from. The owner was a girl my age. She was a very pretty black girl with the biggest, bounciest, curls I’ve ever seen. She looked like a doll. I couldn’t rip my eyes from her and who she was hanging onto. She kissed the man sitting next to her, I’m taking it was her boyfriend since there was no ring on her finger. He was clean cut, no…but belonged in a gang. The 3 black dots on the top of his hand between his thumb and index finer gave it away. But, look at the way he acted towards her! He held both of her hands and sat upright. Not very normal for someone like him. Yes, I’m being judgmental. I felt a small smile glide across my cheeks: I want to be happy like that with someone. The girl continued to laugh but then her gaze shot right over to meet mine. I felt ashamed and let my eyes fall. But they climbed back up to them, now the couple were both staring at me. She furrowed her eyebrows and gave me a comforting smile, while the man simply nodded and gave me a quick smile. I returned it and twirled my hair looking away. A couple minutes passed and I found myself looking back at them. The man…his facial expression was so familiar. It was stone hard, but full of care and love as he looked up at his girlfriend through his eyelashes. Eyelashes. Someone always looks at me through his long lashes. Saul. Saul gives me those exact same looks. Thinking of Saul sent butterflies in my stomach and a chill up my spine. I was suddenly eager to see him again.

I felt a presence next to me, and it wasn’t the business woman. I slowly took my attention off of the couple and looked to see who was sitting next to me. As I looked at that face I wanted to scream so loud that the queen of England could hear my distress. You’re probably thinking it was Daniel. Well, you’re wrong. You might have a little hope for me that it is Saul. Well, to my dismay it isn’t. Now, who could this one thing be that could truly ever make me want to crawl out of my skin to claim another’s personality? What this is…what this creature is, is Death. My truest owner. The one thing that could ever own my heart as a pet, literally. It’s face was black…blurry…no skin. It’s body was slimy, scaled, and burnt to a crisp. It held up its hand and called me to follow him with dancing fingers. My gaze never left it’s…at least, I think it had a gaze, for I was far too afraid that it would claim me as a marker on its death toll right then and there. It walked backwards watching my movements, but it abruptly stopped, and I didn’t. I walked right into it, not knowing what I was doing. I wasn’t controlling my body. I didn’t know what was. But I moved through that demonic structure without thought, and the next thing I knew I was standing out on a railroad.

“Sweet dreams, my girl.” Saul circled me flirting. His voice was clear, and it literally rang in the air. His lips crashed onto mine as the ocean waves roared over the rocks we were sitting on.

We both were drenched and my laugh echoed like a child, “I’m not going to sleep with you here with me. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you by my side.”

“Oh, am I now?”

I tugged on his open shirt and pulled him slightly over me, “Yes sir, it is no lie.”

“Then I like when you tell the truth.”

He kissed me tenderly and left pecking, “I thought you did.”

“I only want you with me,” he whispered gazing up at me through his long lashes, “You’re the only one in this world who makes me feel natural.”

“You’re not a monster, Saul.” I kissed his collar bone.

Are lips once again met and didn’t leave for a good minute, “I love you, Aaliyah.”

Tears brimmed the rim of my eyes, and I fought hard to fight them back.

He took my hands and held them between our chest, “Let me see you.” He whispered.

I did exactly that, I let him see me cry.

My eyes moved under my eyelids. My breathing staggered. My throat burned. And my body was in no state to move. My eyes fluttered open to have a dimly lit room with the glow of candles in my view. Shadows danced across the ceiling, showing how the breeze tangoed with the small open flames. I heard a deep sigh paired with a choking throat next to me. I, no matter how much it hurt, turned my head to see what the surprise was. Saul. My heart must have stopped, because I couldn’t feel anything below my neck. I was in too much shock. He held my hand with is forehead pressed against it. He was on his knees by the side of my bed, not aware that I was awake. I felt the urge to say something, but this moment, right now…I just wanted it to last forever.

A few minutes went by.

And the air became thicker.

Tension grew in the room.

From an unknown form.

It died.

It came.

It flickered, and blew out.

“I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come back to life.” He mumbled not looking up.

Dead, I was dead. The memory came rushing back to me. I stood out on the railroad, with Death locking me in place. The train, I remember, was inches away from my body when another body knocked me out of place. The fall. It didn’t kill me though. The eternal bleeding, yes…yes, that is what killed me. But now, I’m back? This can’t be. It isn’t natural.

“You can thank Sam’s voodoo crap for bringing you back to life.” He looked up at me. His nose was red and his face was blotchy…almost as if he were crying, but Saul…nah, Saul doesn’t cry. He rubbed my cheek and stood up, “I know I’m thankful.” He bent down and kissed my forehead. That kiss. That single little sign of affection sent my nerves on overdrive. “You’re here with me now, and safe. I’m never leaving you again. I’ve learned my lesson.”

I nodded a little as he walked away from the bed. I studied his walk: he was injured, “Why….a-are you…limping?” it was hard to talk. My voice was raspy and with every syllable my throat screamed at me to shut up.

He stopped in the middle of the doorway with both hands on the frame. He kept his back to me and stated crystal clear, “Because, my girl, I fought Death for you.”