You May Hold Me but I Am Not Your Slave

I could feel myself turn over in my bed. I was still kind of asleep, but I’m awake enough to open my eyes. Ha-ha, I’m wide awake, so who is making all that noise? I heard a car door slam from the outside and gravel move underneath moving feet.

“Saul! Come back and say good-bye!” a girl yelled.

“Ha-ha! I just spent 4 hours driving with you, I don’t need to say bye.” His voice trailed as he turned his direction back to the car. I grew curious and shot up out of my bed and sprinted to the window. A huge pine tree blocked my view from the car but I could hear their conversation more clearly.

“I don’t care! If you don’t say bye to Sam and I then I’m gonna kick your bootie!” the girl said. The mention of Sam’s name shot a pain throughout my body.

“Okay, get out of the car Ashley, so I can hug you.”

“That’s more like it.” I heard another car door open and shut. It was silent for about five seconds.

“You take care okay?” Saul broke the silence.

“Yeah. We’ll see you at the Ball.” A new voice filled the air, “damn you stupid rock!”

“What the hell Sam?” this so-called Ashley girl stated.

“There is a rock in my shoe!” they all shared a couple snickers and it fell silent again. I stared through the tree: trying to see who these girls were. I couldn’t help myself, for some reason I was feeling a little envious that they were down there with Saul.

“Listen Saul,” Ashley’s voice whispered too loudly, “You know you aren’t going to win this war.”

“Don’t say that Ashley, don’t doubt my strength.” He defended.

“I’m not doubting, I’m just saying that you won’t be able to save all of the Fallen. And you’re going to hate yourself for not being able to. In some way you are going to lose this war.” Ashley said coolly.

“If I were you I would start to choose who you are going to let live and die.” Sam pointed out glumly.

Saul raised his voice in shock, “I would never! I won’t do that, it’s unfair.”

“Why the hell would you say that Sam? Geez, that’s like picking between having sex with Max Green only once and never seeing him again, and seeing Max everyday for the rest of your life but never being able to have sex with him!” Ashley hollered alarmed.

“Girls, I’m tired. I’m going to go inside. I have stuff to do tomorrow. Good bye.” Saul walked swiftly to the door. I heard him unlock the door and step inside.

“Saul! You won’t be able to save them all! But try to save that girl…what’s her name? Oh! Aaliyah! Save Aaliyah!” Sam yelled before he slammed the door shut. The two girls mumbled too quietly for me to hear as the got into their car. The engine hummed and they drove off calmly.

I sat at my windowsill puzzled: he has to choose who lives and who dies? Fear and worry took over my confusion as I climbed back into my bed. I had trouble getting to sleep. I don’t like what I just heard.

*

I woke up this morning with the same strange sensation I had last night. I opened my eyes slowly and was welcomed by Beth’s soft round face. She smiled and squealed showing off her precious dimples. “Come look at the ballroom.” She grabbed my and tugged me out of bed. I walked over to the closet and pulled out my skirt and shirt. I changed quickly and sighed when I looked at myself in the mirror. I frowned and yanked my skirt off and pulled my shirt off. I walked full of pride to my bed and crouched onto the floor. I reached under it and pulled out my beloved ripped jeans and cut up Metallica shirt. I also got out my red leopard tank and my black bra. I got dressed into the outfit I feel the most comfortable in and left my feet bare as I patted across the wood floor. Beth took one look at me and raised both her eyebrows; I knew what she was thinking of, Saul wasn’t going to be pleased. We walked down the hallway hand in hand, but I let her lead the way to the ballroom.

We finally reached the room and walked into it. I got glances from the other workers but I was too busy staring at the décor. The walls were covered by a deep rich blue curtain. Crystal tears hung from the ceiling at different lengths and sizes. The floor was so shiny that it could act as a mirror. The table tops were glass with clear sapphire plates and champagne glasses. The center pieces were a crystal vase with either pure white orchids or blue orchids. A small dead branch was placed in each vase and had the same crystal tears hanging from every other twig like the ceiling. Over all everything was just mesmerizing. The ceiling was the best though. It was a huge window. It curved outward for the illusion of a never ending night time sky. This was going to be a very pretty part of the ball. The stars would shine through and the hanging crystals would give a twinkling affect.

“Pretty isn’t it?” a whisper brushed against my neck. I turned to see Saul smirking. I nodded and was about to ask him what he wanted to ask me but he spoke instead, “Nice outfit. I feel like I’ve seen it before.” He smiled wider and walked away from me.

“Hey!” I sprinted after him, “In your letter you said you wanted to ask me something,” he didn’t turn around, just continued to walk away, “I don’t like being messed with! And if you’re messing with me you’ll be sorry!” I stopped and yelled. He turned around to flash me a sinister smile, but never slowed his stride. What a jerk!

I went on through the day cleaning and doing my usual stuff. I secretly searched for Saul; I want to know what he wants with me. But the closest I got to him was when I was going into the kitchen and he was coming out. I opened my mouth to speak but he didn’t acknowledge my presence. I would see him off and on. Down the hall, across the room, outside, and in another room as I would pass. It was so annoying! The whole freaking day was like this, but now it was dinner time, so I know I’d get my answer. I walked in with Beth by my side and hunted for a chair next to Saul. There were 5 empty seats next to him so I placed Beth in the one closest to him and I sat next to her. He stared up at me in disbelief.

“You owe me an explanation.” I stated flatly. He rolled his eyes and watched the cooks bring out the food.

“I owe you nothing.” He whispered.

I looked at him shocked, “You so do! You said you’d ask me something, what is it?”

“Not right now, Aaliyah.”

“Yes, right now. I’ve been trying to talk to you all freaking day!”

He turned to me pissed, “Cut it out,” he snarled, “You’re causing a scene.”

“Make me.”

He stood up abruptly, grabbed my arm, and dragged me out of my chair. “I can’t believe you.” He mumbled. I looked back at the table and saw all the faces staring back at me. Some even looked scared. He dragged me all the way to the library he brought me to the night he saved me. He slammed the door so hard that a couple books fell from the opposite wall. After the books fell he just had to end his rage, so he threw me on the side of a table. I hit the edge and fell to the floor. Books tumbled off of the table and onto my head and lap. Tears welled in my eyes and I looked up at Saul. His tantrum was not over. He went to his desk and brushed everything off of it with one swift move of his arm. He turned away from me and punched the book case, the momentum of his swing made the book case break. He knocked off a big chunk of wood and as it fell to the floor he pushed his palms against the edge of a shelf and bent his head. “I can’t believe you.” He said again.

My tears began to spill over the rim of my eye. This is the first time I’ve ever been slightly afraid of him. I sniffed and when he heard that he turned to look at me. When he saw the state I was in his face crumpled into sorrow. He began to walk to me and when he bent down to my level I moved away from him, “Don’t.” I said weakly. My mind was jumping all over the place. I didn’t know I was so afraid of Saul, but now…everything is showing.

“I’m sor-.” He started

I shook my head and bit my bottom lip, fighting back more tears. I turned away from him while my body ached in agonizing pain. I could already see bruises on my arm from his grip. His fingers trailed the slope of my neck and that brought even more tars, “Don’t,” I sobbed bring my knees to my chest, “Don’t touch me.”

His warm fingers left my skin and so did the heat of his body. I didn’t feel him behind me anymore, but I heard his footsteps. They grew slower with every step as he walked away. And then I didn’t here them anymore. The door didn’t open either, so I know he is still in the room with me. His steps started up again and they were growing louder. He knelt down in front of me and I hid my face from him. “I’m sorry Aaliyah. You have to believe me. I was mad, but I know that isn’t a reason for hurting you.” He whispered.

I wanted to forgive him, I really did, but…why am I so fucking afraid of him? I couldn’t stand having him near me anymore. I wiped away my tear streaks and tried to get up. But my sore body wouldn’t let me. He got up and grabbed my hands pulling me up. I didn’t look at him but I knew damn well that he wanted me to. I exhaled my breath that I was holding since he touched me and turned around. I walked quietly but fast to get away from him. I held in another set of tears until I closed the door behind me. I knew exactly why I feared him now: he is the only person that will beat me at my own game and who will make me cry from his actions. He makes me weak.