You May Hold Me but I Am Not Your Slave

I picked up Beth and sat her on my lap. We’ve been sitting out in the courtyard for the past couple of hours; enjoying the warm but crisp air around us. Come to think of it, I haven’t been in the Palace for the past week since Saul…pitched a fit. And whenever I was in there I would try to avoid him as much as possible. It was funny though, I think he’s been avoiding me too. I don’t know why; from what he has shown me he is very comfortable being with me, no matter what his mood is. But I liked it. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Right now I hate his guts. I don’t care if the only reason why I am here is for him to protect me, I want to run away. I want, no, I need to get out of here. I do nothing but argue and clean. I clean more than I do anything else. I’ve been here for almost 2 months and I was only outta the premises for the first 2 days I came.

“Wha”ch ya thinking of?” Nathan asked sitting down next to me. I leaned back putting my palms behind me for support.

“I need to get away from here Nathan. I can’t stand having to clean all the time.”

“I know Ali, but it isn’t too bad.”

I rolled my eyes and dug my nails into the grass, “He is so confusing! I mean, why make us slaves?”

“I told you he’s only doing this to keep us here.”

“If he just told us we were going to die then I bet every single one of us would stick around.”

He shuffled so he was sitting in front of me, “I wouldn’t.”

“Why?” I whispered eyeing him. Was he suicidal?

“I’ve been here for over hundred years, it isn’t natural to live this long. I’m just tired of living. I’m tired of seeing how much our world has destroyed itself.”

“So you’d rather be dead?”

“Well yeah, but there are things that are keeping me from going over to Daniels side.”

I cocked my head to the side, “Like what?”

“Olivia,” he smiled wide and blushed, “You know that she wants to fight in the war right?”

“What!?!”

“Yep, I don’t know why. She has so much energy, sometimes I can’t keep up with her.”

“Keep up with whom?” Olivia’s voice came from behind me. I turned around and shrugged. She chuckled and sat down next to me stretching out her legs, “Stop talking about me.”

“We weren’t talking about you honey,” Nathan looked at me and I nodded getting the hint, “We were talking about Beth.

“Nate, don’t lie. Your ears get red when you lie.” She smiled to herself. I laughed a little embarrassed for him. She turned her direction to me and grinned, “Do you know what you’re wearing to the ball?”

“Am I going?” I asked.

“Well yeah! Everyone gets to go. Didn’t anyone tell you?” she asked grabbing my hands and pulling me up with her. Beth stood up and automatically grabbed my hand.

“No.”

“Well then c’mon, we gotta go pick out your dress before all the good ones are taken.” She began tugging me away.

“Bye girls.” Nathan mocked a girl as if she just found the cutest pair of shoes.

“Bye!” Olivia and I both said in unison. She guided me back under the roof which I grown to call my home now and down the open hallways. “You should either get a dark purple or a nice aqua colored dress.” She said opening a door to a room I’ve never been in before.

“Why?”

She closed the door behind her and picked up a strand of my blonde hair, “Your hair, it is such a nice warm color, you can’t have something that is also warm, because then it would just be blah.”

I wasn’t really paying attention to her. I just gawked around the room: there were so many gorgeous dresses and shoes. And the jewelry! Oh gosh the jewelry! I can’t even begin to describe the precious stones I saw laying across the bed, and necklaces hanging down from the curtain rod in the window. It was truly amazing. “So this is a formal ball?” I asked while my voice cracked. I was a little scared to be honest. I’ve never worn anything like this. The closest I got was my prom dress. And that was really nothing special.

“Uh, yeah. Ha-ha! Are you okay hun?” she placed her hand on my forehead.

“Yes, why?”

She jumped a little from my stern voice, “You just look like you saw a ghost.” She chuckled and moved to the closet doorway, where ball gowns of all different colors hung.

“No, I’m fine. It’s just…”

“You’ve never been able to wear something like this?” she asked quietly raking through the gowns.

I hung my head and walked over to her lightly, “Yeah.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of sweetie. I really can’t relate to you or anything, because I grew up in a family full of riches. But I’ve been around for 100 years, so I’ve seen worse.” She smiled and looked down at my torn up jeans, “besides, it looks like you’re not the dress type of girl anyways.” Her smile grew wider as she pulled a dark royal purple gown off the hangar.

“That’s pretty.”

“Well then, try it on silly girl!” she pushed the dress into my arms and turned her back to give me privacy. I held up the dress and looked it over. It was beautiful. It was strapless with black lace covering the purple silk down to the hip of the dress. It was simple but very majestic. I like it, but it just isn’t me. Someone cleared their throat in the room and Olivia turned around. She had a smile plastered on her face but it slowly died. Her eyes went from my face to behind me: the doorway. Her face grew serious and aged; she bent her head and floated to the ground in a deep, respectful, and tight bow. Her eyes trailed up to meet mine as if saying ‘bow Dammit!’ but I knew who it was, and he doesn’t need my respect.

I looked over my shoulder and saw a dark silhouette standing awkwardly in the doorway. I looked down at Olivia but kept my head in the same direction over to Saul, “Olivia.” He whispered sadly. She came up from her bow and swiftly made her way to the door and left us in a deadly silence. The closing of the door made me turn all the way around: my fear grew rapidly…being alone in a room with him and all. I thought about what he was going to do with me and that made my life flash before my eyes. But for some reason I only thought about what people have told me. I didn’t see any pictures, I just heard…things. ‘Swallow your fear and kick someone’s ass.’ is what Sam used to tell me in school: I was such a fragile girl growing up.

I blinked back tears the swelled for some reason and looked up at Saul. I expected him to be staring at me, but nope! His head was slightly turned to the left, as if he were shying away from a knife at his throat. His eyes were directed to the floor…wait…he’s afraid to look at me! I remember that stance when the doctor told me about my foster dad died. In my last year of high school I became angry when I had found out about my dads cancer. I thrashed out in the hospital a couple times, and since the doctor knew about that he was afraid to look me straight in the eye and tell me that my dad was dead. Since Saul wasn’t looking at me I was growing more confident, stronger, and fearless. Now I stood staring at his structured jaw line and broad shoulders. I watched his chest move up and down in his black wife beater with every shattering breath he took. He was nervous. His muscles were tensed, ripping their own energy out of the skin they lay under. I’ve never really looked at him this way. I knew he was built, but I didn’t know he was defined, but not in a gross way at all. He could pass for a professional boxer if he wanted to.

I waited for his grey steely eyes to look up at mine. But they never did. Instead he brought out his hands from behind his back and revealed a crimson red silk fabric. He held it from one end and let the rest drop to the floor: a drop dead beautiful taffeta ball gown was hanging mid air right in front of me. I fought back a smile and gave him ‘what do you expect me to do with that’ look. Oh yes, I’m a fighter. He sighed and gathered the material into a ball in his arms, and threw the lump at me. It hit my head and fell into my arms. I could feel my strands of hairs fly across my face; they were now resting on my nose. I flipped my hair out of my face and looked back at him. He raised his eyebrows finally making eye contact and nodded his head.

“I don’t have all day Aaliyah.” He mumbled crossing his arms and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“To Hell you don’t.” I shot back just as quietly. I waited patiently for him to turn around like Olivia had, but being the stubborn asswhole he is, he didn’t. “Um, excuse me?” I said rudely. He rolled his eyes standing up and turned his back to me. I began to undress; dropping my clothes to the floor made shuffling noises, and with every noise came a ripple from Saul’s back. He tensed and relaxed. Tensed and relaxed, why? I have no idea. I was finally down to my bra and underwear, and with a sigh I stepped into the dress and heaved it up. I watched Saul extra careful as I wormed myself through the corset part. The top half of the dress hugged my curves and lifted my breast so they looked twice as big….gggrrrrreeeeaaattt. I reached behind my back to see if it had a zipper, but instead strings. I closed my eyes and tried to lace it by myself, but made no progress, “Shit.” I mumbled glumly.

“Does it not fit?” Saul asked turning around. His eyes fell on my body instantly.

“Did I say you could turn around?” I asked sternly.

He lifted an eyebrow and smirked, “It’s not like you’re naked or anything.”

“But what if I was? You would be mortified.”

I watched for an expression change, but the stupid corner of his stupid mouth was pulled up stupidly into a stupid smirk still! “It looks like it fits.”

“Whatever.”

“Does it not?”

“No it does.” My voice dropped suddenly as if I were talking to Sam. I caught my voice and thought about how I must have sounded. I’m sure he’s never heard me talk like that.

“Then what’s the problem?” he asked puzzled. He stepped closer and his face fell, “you don’t like it…is it the color?”

“No, no it’s nothing like that Saul.”

“Then what is it?”

My eyes fell: I really don’t want him to lace up my dress. That’s a kind of act your husband or lover does for you, and he is certainly not either of those. But I need to know if this dress fits properly, “I need you to lace it up.” I whispered.

He grinned, “Is that all?” he chuckled, “Why were you nervous about asking me that?” he came to me and turned me around.

“I don’t know, I have my reasons.” I stopped talking when I felt his fingers trace my spine gingerly, I felt goose bumps rise, and my skin tingled from his warm finger tips. He began tugging on the strings and weaving them through their slots. It was quiet for a while, only the sound of our breathing and the strings sliding against fabric.

“Those reasons,” he broke the silence, “should not even be your excuses.”

“Does it make you sad that they are?”

He didn’t answer right away, but his breathing became heavier, “I never intended to hurt you Aaliyah.” He whispered.

“But you did.”

“And I’m sorry.”

I shook my head and Saul placed his hand on my shoulder blade. He moved my hair back over my shoulder so it was out of his way, but I didn’t want his hand to leave, it was rough but smooth. “If you really were then you wouldn’t have avoided me for a whole week.”

“No no no, Aaliyah. If I wasn’t sorry I would have spoken to you the very next day after what I did to you. I couldn’t stand being near you, because I wasn’t able to handle seeing your bruises. But I can see they are clearing up now.”

“Yeah, I guess they are. I’m not saying its okay or anything. I will forgive you overtime but not right now. I’m letting it dissolve.”

The tugging on my back ended and Saul’s hands traveled up to my shoulders, they rested there and tightened when he spoke, “I know Aaliyah,” he stepped closer so the he was pressed up against my back. I tilted my head to hear him better, “and I’m looking forward to that my girl.” He stepped away and headed to the door. He gave me a glance and nodded his head in approval to my dress. Was that a blush on his cheeks? He opened the door and was half way out of the room when he turned around again, “I’m sorry I’m frightening you.” And with that he left me alone in the room. I haven’t forgiven him yet, like I said…it will dissolve.