Picture Perfect

"Perfect. Now to lean to the left a little more....good!" One deep breath after another, my personality slowly slid away, taking on the image the producer had given me. I kept calm, kept breathing, despite the distracting flashes and music. Modeling wasn’t the same as it had been when I started out. The weight of losing myself in the image of the perfect girl had become a burden I could no longer bear. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. The only indication of myself was the things I did to keep myself busy.

I lot of times, modeling was easier then stepping out into the real world. It was full of hustle and bustle, and not enough time to wind down before being swept up again. The flowing tides of humankind would never ebb; they would only keep dragging everyone along with it. And I was the girl stuck in the middle. Endlessly tugged by the flows of the real world.

One of the only releases I got from that current was Jack. My boyfriend, Jack, was my ultimate savior, the one I could huddle against and expect to pull me out to shore. The only problem was, Jack was there when it was time for the saving, but not for the talking. Jack was a great guy, ready to protect me whenever necessary, but he wasn’t exactly deep. He was the stereotypical high school quarterback, but he was my boyfriend, and I loved him.

~<3~

As soon as the shoot was over, I made my way to a small diner on the outskirts of town to meet Jack. Weirdly enough, this was where we had first met, and where we had our first date. We ate here to celebrate our anniversary every month. Both of us were in a small picture on their Couples Wall, next to and elderly couple and their poodle. I had been to the diner more times than I could count, and I was headed back like a replay on my life.

I went inside, running a little late, and Jack got up from or usual booth to hug me. There was something different about his hug though. It wasn’t strong and slightly possessive like usual, it was a little gentler, nervous maybe? I sat down across from him pretending I hadn’t noticed anything. As soon as I got a look at his red eyes, I knew what was wrong.

“You promised me you’d stop drinking.”

“I wasn’t drinking babe, promise.” He smiled like he always did, all cocky, but somehow humble at the same time. I didn’t want to argue with jack. I had so many times, and I wanted tonight to be different. Normal.

“May. I’ve hardly seen you at all lately.”

“What?” I asked, snapping back to reality.

“See? You’re hardly even here when you’re here.” He said. “We’re both really busy, and I get that. I was thinking we could do something special. I feel like that might make us feel more connected.”
“Okay, sure. What do you want to do?”

“Well, my parents are out of town this weekend. I was thinking maybe you could spend the night.”

This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid, and somehow, I had brought it upon myself more quickly than possible. I was losing myself so fast, and I felt like my virginity was the last part of myself I could cling to. Besides that, I was religious, and had long ago promised myself I would wait until marriage.

“Jack. You know I’m waiting until I get married for that.”

“Yeah. I know.” He didn’t bring it up again, and that was that. With Jack, there was never any pressure, just what was and what wasn’t. It had always been that way, since I’d known him, and that would never change. That’s why I loved him the way I did. Because I could.

~<3~

I drove home from the diner at about five. Jack and I had had an early diner, because it was Friday night and he had a game. Normally, I would have gone with him, but I was overloaded with a million homework assignments. I tried to get started, but I was too restless. I knew what I needed.

I got my soccer gear on, and headed for the school field, which was about a block away. I jogged at a steady pace, not stopping when I got to the field. Instead I continued to run around the huge grassy expanse, claiming lap after lap. Running was one of the best ways for me to get stress off my shoulders. The minute I stepped off to a run, the stress would start sliding off my back, left behind in the small grassy footprints. Breathing the same way I did for modeling, my everyday fine-just-fine composure slipped, and I became the girl I was. A ghost. A no one, in the literal sense. I was just running on instinct, turning when I saw a curve, stopping when my body reached it’s full capacity. Eventually I just collapsed on the grass. Tears running along with the stress.