Let My Heart Rest In Pieces

Let My Heart Rest In Pieces 090

Let My Heart Rest In Pieces

After months of practicing almost nonstop for this concert, in only as little as two hours, it was already coming to an end. After all the hard work put into it, after everything had been said and done, after my voice had gone raw, after I had memorized the words so they would forever be embedded in my brain, our concert was coming to a close. After all those months, it was finally over.

Tamara had sung the rest of her songs beautifully, and I got to be there on the wings of the stage for all of them. She was running around, frantic as she tried to change her dresses and hair, but in her eyes you could tell how much she really enjoyed it. She loved when the crowd would cheer for her, and she loved it when everyone was wowed by her voice.

However, all her songs had been sung. I had one more to perform, and it was also the close of the whole show. I exhaled deeply and had to shake off another bout of nerves. I hadn’t asked for it to be this way, but Mr. Smith said that to keep it fair, I should get to close it up when Tamara had been out there for longer. I disagreed with him, but my opinion didn’t really matter when it came to this.

But by giving me the last spot of the night, I felt like a dramatic spot light had been cast upon me. I had chosen this song in a fit of anger and sadness. Though it felt right at the time, I hadn’t anticipated this day and had regretted the choice almost immediately. God, girls could be so damn dramatic sometimes, but I couldn’t go back on it after I had submitted my choices.

In a way, though, it was perfect. The song still spoke measures of what I felt inside and though the message could be taken harshly, it was a way to get my words across. Sure, not many people would understand, next to none more than likely, but it would feel like I had gotten this giant weight off my chest. For once, I might feel like the innocent and drama free Envy I had come into this state as.

My heeled boot tapped against the floor in impatience as well as nerves while my fingers played with the bottom of my dress. Tamara was giving me an encouraging stare, but it wasn’t doing much to make me feel better. Mr. Smith was announcing the end of the show, and how he had one last act to present, so it was giving me time to compose myself.

“V, you’re going to do great. You look beautiful, your voice is amazing, and you have a loving crowd out there that would be ready to set off fireworks if they were allowed,” Tamara soothed, placing a pale hand on my bare shoulder to catch my full attention, “Now go and knock them dead.”

Once again I was pushed towards center stage, a rude habit everyone was starting to pick up, but I was able to let the stress of my upcoming performance leak out of my body as Mr. Smith gave me a hug before leaving the stage. I smiled at the band to inform them that I was ready before I took my post at the mic. My eyes went directly to my group of friends, bringing back my jitters. I was able to push them away when it was time to sing, though.

“From the moment that we met
My world was turned around, upside down.”

Okay, I had to admit that it was hard looking at my friends while singing my solemn song, as well as smile about it. My brown eyes turned down cast, feeling myself lose a little strength when it came to this song.

“To some degree I still regret
My memory for keeping you around.”

“Envy, this is Ray, Mikey, Frank, and Bob; in that order.”

“Nice to meet you all,” I said, kind of shyly.

“Well, aren’t you just the cutest thing!”

“Boy I thought that you were mine
But my broken heart’s been shattered
One too many times.”

My eyes locked with Alex then, the closest one to me, and his gaze was so fierce that I knew exactly what it meant. It sent me back to those days months ago when he had told me my voice was best whenever I was emotionally connected, when I was forced to shout the lyrics because that’s how they were supposed to be sung. I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips and I had the courage to look out at the audience.

“And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong.”

I sat there in the car for a few minutes before my brain truly registered what had happened.

Frank Iero had kissed me.

“I love it when you’re here.”

"Each snowfall is more amazing and beautiful than the last."

“But I’m better when you’re gone.”

“When you start acting like the Frankie I know, you can talk to me again. When this,” I announced, pointing at the tattoo on my wrist, “means more than anything to you like it does to me, then you can talk to me.”

“I'm certain that I've given
And oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break.”

However, it made part of me feel numb. That part of me that had burned white and hot for Frankie; the part that had started out so small and fragile in the beginning. I had always felt it, but now I couldn’t.

“Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces
In pieces.”

I felt stronger now that I had gotten the first half out, like just singing it for mostly myself was going to mean more to me than anything else. That small part of me that had felt cold and numb started to loosen. I had just ignored it the whole time, trying to forget, but I could feel warmth spreading back in. It still didn’t feel the same, but it was better than a freezing nothingness.

My eyes found my friends once again, and though I couldn’t make direct eye contact with any of them, I knew they all had eyes for me. I wasn’t sure if any of them understood, because it was a very hidden message, but if they did it didn’t matter.

“Someone let you down again
So you turned to me
Your convenient friend.”

"Aw, but I wanted Envy," Quinn pouted from his seat on the couch.

"Noooo!" Frankie whined, holding my arm, "Envy is mine."

“Oh, but I know what you’re doing
And what you hope to find
I’ve seen a thousand times.”

I was left breathless by the time he came up to me and kissed my lips softly again, only shortly so that I had time to gain my breath, and for a little while, he said nothing. When I was going to ask him if anything was wrong, he spoke up.

"Envy, I think I might love you."

“All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor.”

If he was smart, he would look for Tamara and try to fix things. If he was smart, he would know not to follow me.

If he cared, he would have turned me around and told me that I meant something to him.

“And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong.”

All in all, Tamara was just perfect; especially the perfect match for Frank.

“I love it when you’re here.”

We went through the motions in the order, and none of them were out of tune thanks to Franks help. I turned my face towards him, biting my lip, and I stared at him. He looked at me, a ghost of a smile on his face.

“But I’m better when you’re gone.”

"You guys…?"

"We got together this weekend. Frank and I were hanging out and bam, we were boyfriend and girlfriend."

“I’m certain that I’ve given
And oh how you can take
There’s no use in you looking
There’s nothing left for you to break.”

Have you ever heard a heart break before? It sounds just like shattering glass, and feels as if you've just been stabbed with each shard. How would I know?

It had just happened to me. Again.

“Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces
Yeah, yeah!”

Memories of Frank’s smile and laugh ran through my mind, there were just so many. It was always so bright, his grin, and his laugh was always so loud because he never wanted to hide it. Frankie was by far one of the most beautiful people I had ever met, and it had nothing to do with his appearance.

I turned my eyes to look at the small teen and wondered if he was trying to stare into my eyes as hard as I was with his. He was too far away, so far that I could only see his face as he watched me. Could he see the emotions passing through my face?

“I don’t want to see you anymore
I’m just not that strong.”

I had so easily fallen in love with that boy that it almost seemed comical. Our lives had intertwined, and only in the matter of a year’s time. It felt like life times had passed that lead up to this moment. This big moment of realization for me.

"I love it when you’re here babe
But I’m better when you’re gone.”

As I looked at him, and I mean really looked, I could see that it just couldn't be. Not now, and maybe not ever. I had spent so much time chasing after him, ignoring the heartache and pain that I went through. I thought, 'If I could just have him, everything would be better'.

“I’m certain that I’ve given
And oh how you can take
There’s no use in you looking
There’s nothing left for you to break.”

But that's something only naive children can believe. Over this past year, I'd grown a lot, I'd loved, and I'd been broken. Frank Iero was the reason I went through all these changes.

“Baby, please release me
We both know that you don’t need me.”

Even if there wasn't a possibility of there being an 'us', I'd still love him. But I'd have to let go. We both would.

“Let my heart rest in pieces.”

I gripped the mic stand tight in my hands and closed my eyes, making this the final time that I would ever look at the boy and want anything else from him. He was my friend, that’s all it ever would be, and I would have to live with that.

“In pieces.
Let it rest.”

When the final note died, and all that I could hear was my own heavy breathing, I felt lighter than I had in months. I had lost a weight that had weighed me down, and now my shoulders and chest was free with it. I felt like myself again, and I couldn’t help but smile.

The audience cheered loudly for me, louder than they had cheered all night, and it only pushed me forward in my elated mood. Mr. Smith came out then, escorting Tamara with him, and he held us in each of his arms. We raised our hands in the air like we had just won something trophy worthy and the crowd screamed for it. Our smiles were bigger than our faces.