Fake Boyfriend

The next few days passed by without any more Jesse incidents. On a few occasions, I saw his kitchen light turn on when I was finishing up the dishes. Tonight, I had started them late after catching an interesting movie on tv. It was Mean Girls but I am a girl and it is a chick flick. I somehow had managed to make a giant mess. Water was everywhere on the counter, the floor, and me. The windows were open, letting in the warm night air. I noticed his windows were open too as his kitchen light turned on. He approached his sink, putting a mug and a plate in it before he finally noticed me. He waved at me and had this conniving smile on his face. I smiled and managed a meager wave back before concentrating on my dishes. His light flipped off again and I thought it was over.

“Want to wash my dishes? I’ll pay you,” his voice suddenly said. I looked up in surprise and there he was by the window. I was so startled I took a step and immediately found out how slick the floor was. My ass connected with the floor hard, sending one plate to the floor. It shattered into millions of pieces.

“Son of a bitch,” I muttered.

“Pagan, you okay down there?” he asked. I pulled myself up and managed to make my fingers form an okay symbol.

“Just testing the breaking point of my plates,” I said as I finally stood upright.

“Good because I was starting to think you busted your ass,” he said. I sneered at him.

“Very funny Jesse. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some cleaning up to do.” I made myself busy picking up the pieces of the broken plate, trying to ignore his presence at the window.

“You need any help? Wouldn’t want you to bust your ass. Again.” I made my way back over to the sink, picked up a cup full of water, and tossed it at his face.

“No I’m fine,” I said. He put his hands up and retreated, water dripping down his face. I knew taking the screens off the kitchen windows was a good idea. As he reached his house, before rounding the corner, he turned around.

“I’ve got some extra towels for the floor if you need them,” he said. I slammed the window shut.

The following Sunday I was at the local coffee shop with Morgan and Danica, planning our next big bash at my place. Danica was hoping for a themed party but Morgan protested. I had to play the role of peacemaker as usual. I listened to them argue as I sipped on my iced coffee, trying to come up with some middle ground that they would both be satisfied with.

“I don’t see what the problem is with having a Studio 54 party. Just imagine all the bad clothes, the bad afros,” Danica said, pleading her case.

“Well imagine if some people take it too literally and bring that little white substance that Studio 54 was so famous for,” Morgan said.

“Why don’t we just make it a 70’s party. That way we still have the crappy fashion but we avoid the drug bust. Okay guys?” I said.

“Oh come on, a party just isn’t a party without the cops visiting.” Jesse suddenly appeared in the empty chair next to Morgan.

“Hey Jesse, I don’t feel like ending up in jail. Not exactly a picture perfect ending,” Morgan said after giving Jesse a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Just throwing ideas out there. So Danica, which Beatle do you think I should go as? I’ve always been partial to John but I’m thinking cliché,” he said.

“Go as Ringo, no one ever goes as Ringo,” she said.

“Who said you were even invited?” I blurted out, not thinking.

“Well, that’s not exactly neighborly is it? Morgan invited me.” I took another sip of my coffee but somehow managed to miss my mouth. I ended up spilling a good portion of it onto myself.

“Nice job Pagan,” Morgan said. Danica was trying to hold herself together as she shook with uncontrollable silent laughter.

“Looks like you drinking iced coffee is what we need to add to the dangerous activities list. Well ladies I’ve gotta run, laundry beckons.” He got up out of his chair and headed towards the door, smiling as he pushed it open.

“Pagan maybe you should go change your shirt. Besides, we’ve got to run too. I’ve got some prints to run from the wedding yesterday and Morgan is helping me,” Danica said. I could still see the laughter beaming from the big smile on her face.

“You could probably catch up with Jesse. I mean, why walk alone when you could just go together?” she said. They grabbed their stuff and I followed them towards the door, trying to sop up the wet mess from my shirt with a handful of napkins. As I stood alone on the corner, waiting for the walk light to turn on, I spotted Jesse out of the corner of my eye.

“Don’t come near me Lacey. You’re the last person I want to talk to,” I said, holding up a hand to stop him. He just pushed it away and handed me a giant button down shirt. It was an old mechanics shirt with a few smudges of grease remaining.

“I popped into the Goodwill store down the block. Figured you might need something to cover up with,” he said. I snagged the shirt from his outstretched hand and put it on.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“Of course, now you owe me.” I could feel the sting in my face from that slap of reality.

“What do you need?” I said, my voice edgy. The walk light turned on and we made our way across the street, closer to our row of houses.

“My washer and dryer haven’t arrived yet and I was hoping I could save myself a couple of bucks. Could I borrow yours?”

“First you want me to do your dishes and now you want me to do your laundry. Do I have ‘maid’ written across my forehead?”

“I’m going to do the laundry. You’ll just be there supervising, making sure I don’t do anything you don’t like. Sound like a plan?” he said. I shrugged but realized if I agreed, I wouldn’t have to deal with his bugging me about it.

“Fine you can use my washer and dryer. Just don’t ruin anything,” I said.

“It’s laundry, what can go wrong?” he said. We approached the front of our houses and I looked him dead in the eye.

“With you, who knows. Just grab your clothes and hurry up. I’ll leave the door unlocked,” I said and went into my house. I tried to straighten up the place a little and put away anything he could use to embarrass me. I managed to strip off the dirty shirt and pull back on the mechanic’s shirt when I heard footsteps on the front steps. The door opened and Jesse walked in, carrying a large duffel bag and a large basket filled with clothes.

“Point me in the right direction,” he said, trying to keep a grip on the basket and bag. I lead the way to the what I called the muck room. There I had my washer and dryer, assorted coats and shoes, and cleaning supplies. He threw the bag onto the floor and started sorting through the shirts in the basket. I reached to the shelf over the washer where I kept the detergent when I noticed that the washer was not set on it’s familiar cycle but on delicates. With a gasp, I realized that I had forgotten that I put some of my lingerie in the washer this morning. I turned to Jesse, trying to keep a straight face, and he had his eyebrow raised.

“You know, why don’t you just leave your laundry here and I’ll do it,” I said, inching closer to him. I was hoping I could push him back far enough and put some distance between him and my unmentionables.

“What’s with the sudden change of heart Pagan? Oh I get it, you just want to go through my underwear,” he said, pushing me out of the way.

“No! I just thought it would be nice of me since you got me this shirt and all,” I said, stepping back in front of him.

“The shirt cost $5. I can deal without it,” he said. He moved away and I couldn’t stop him this time. He opened up the washer lid.

“Are you sure?” I asked, hoping to distract him. He just continued to open the lid and peered down into the washer. He reached a hand down into the barrel and pulled out a pair of lacy underwear. He then pulled out the sexist thing I had, a black and blue negligee. He held it up in front of him, examining it.

“I don’t know if I should be surprised or disappointed. Care to model it for me?” I snatched it from his hand and pushed him away to retrieve the rest of the load. I tossed them into a basket and made my way up to my room to put them away. Of course I could feel the hot blush creeping up my neck. I made my way down the stairs slowly, trying to compose myself. As I reached the last step, I heard the tv. I knew I hadn’t left it on.

“Jesse, don’t you have a tv at your place?” I asked, standing in between him and the tv, arms crossed. He craned his neck but I just shifted my hips to block his view.

“I do, but I haven’t got the cable set up yet. I’ve been watching the same movies over and over again,” he said.

“Fine, as long as you’re here you can watch tv, but I got to ask you something,” I said.

“Shoot,” he responded, not taking his eyes off the tv.

“How do you always seem to show up lately when I embarrass myself?” He shrugged.

“You’re on my radar,” he said, flipping through the channels.

“Did you just quote Britney Spears?” He finally stopped flipping through the channels and realized he was caught.

“It was on the radio this morning. It got stuck in my head,” he said. I couldn’t stop laughing.

“I knew you had a strange music taste but never pegged you for a Britney fan.” My giggling could not be subsided.

“I am not a Britney fan. It was just, catchy. That’s all. It was an infectious hook that I cannot get out of my head.” Suddenly an idea popped in my head. An evil dastardly plan that I had to put into motion was begging me to act upon it.

“You know, usually after I hear a song and sing the lyrics, I get it out of my head. Here, let me go get the lyrics and I’ll play it off my laptop,” I said. I grabbed a big stack of song lyrics from karaoke nights and found “Radar” near the bottom. I turned my laptop and turned the webcam around so it faced Jesse. He picked up the sheet and sang along to the song. He wasn’t half bad but I had to make sure I didn’t laugh as he sang.

“Well, let’s hope this works,” he said. He tossed the sheet aside and I saved the file.

“Hey I got something else for you to listen to,” I said. I pressed play and soon the living room was filled with Jesse’s voice singing. A look of shock and awe showed itself on his face.

“You didn’t,” he said.

“Oh, I did,” I said. I felt like I was Sam holding up a tube of superglue. He tried to snag the laptop from me but I turned it off as quick as I could.

“It shouldn’t be that hard to find that file.”

“Ah, therein lies the rub. It’s in a hidden file that’s password protected. Try your best when my back is turned but I doubt you’ll find it. It’s just a little reassurance for the future,” I said.

“Don’t worry Pagan Gallan. I’ll get you back for this,” he said. He had another one of those menacing smiles on his face again but I was going to be prepared for whatever he tried to throw at me.