Heroes...And The Rest Of Us.

At about seven thirty the next morning, I'm laying in bed wide awake. The sun has just come up, and I can hear people leaving for work through the open bedroom windows. Adam is asleep next to me. Really, I should be asleep too, but I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts at bay. Today is the day we get bring Jack home from rehab, and some part of me is expecting the worst to happen. I lay there for awhile thinking about how this time is going to be so different than the first time Jack came to live with us.

I finally can't take it anymore, so I get out of bed quietly so that Adam doesn't hear me and wake up. One of us might as well be sleeping. I get dressed quickly in a pair of denim mini shorts, a black cami, and since its a little chilly in the house, I put on my fitted white Seether hoodie that Shaun gave me for my birthday a couple months ago, and my slouchy tan suede and shearling Ugg boots. Adam hates these boots, everytime I wear them he bitches about it.

I go out to the living room, shutting the bedroom door behind me and turn on the TV. I sit on the couch and flip through all 800 channels, and find nothing to watch. So, I turn on Good Morning America. After watching that for about twenty minutes, I'm bored as fuck. Both Mabel and Simba are still sleeping on their beds, and refuse to get up and entertain me. I get up and go into Jack's bedroom/my office, and grab my sketch pad and a graphite pencil. I then go back out to the living room and sit back down on the couch, and start working on a drawing of Adam that I started a long time ago and never finished. I kick my feet up on the coffee and add some shading around the drawing, listening to Robin Roberts talk about the latest news events.

An hour later, I've finished the drawing and I'm reading one of the books they gave me at the rehab yesterday about what to do and how to live with Jack after he comes home today. I hear the bedroom door creak a little and when I look up I see Adam walking slowly out to the living room. He looks a little worse for the wear, wearing sweats, a white undershirt, a zip up hoodie and sunglasses. His hair is crazy, sticking out in five directions. I start laughing as soon as I see him. He flips me off and I return the gesture, still laughing. He crawls across the couch and gives me a kiss, then he lays down with his head in my lap.

"Good morning, love." I say gently, running my fingers through his hair.

"Unh." I laugh again.

"Rough night?" I ask.

"You wore me out last night."

"What's with the sunglasses?"

"Too bright. And, too loud." He puts his finger to his lips for me to be quiet.

"I really don't see why you think it's too loud and too bright. It's not like you were drinking and are hungover this morning."

"I'm not hungover. It's just too early. Why are you up this early? You're never up this early." He talks with his eyes pressed closed tightly behind the glasses.

"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about today."

"What about today?"

"That something's going to go wrong."

"It's going to be fine. I promise. Did you make coffee?"

"No, I was waiting for you to get up." He doesn't say a word, just gets up and goes into the kitchen. I watch him looking at the espresso machine, probably realizing that he doesn't know how to use it. He looks up at me, then turns around and goes to the fridge, taking a Red Bull out of it.

"Breakfast of champions." I say. He lifts the drink to me in salute and smiles.

The phone rings and Adam grabs it from it's holster on the counter, answering it without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?" He says. I see him glance at my feet and notice my boots for the first time. He gives me a strange look and then speaks to the person on the phone.

"I did just wake up." He says. Theres a pause while the other person talks.

"She won't make me coffee, she absolutely refuses." He says.

"Who are you talking to?" I finally ask.

"Yeah, you can talk to her. Hang on just a second." He says and throws the phone to me. I catch it and look back at him.

"Who is it?" I ask.

"Billie." I put the phone up to my ear.

"Morning, Billie." I say.

"Why won't you make your husband coffee?"

"I would make him coffee, but he made fun of my boots."

"I didn't say a word about your boots!" Adam says from the kitchen, loud enough for Billie to hear.

"You didn't have to say anything, I can see it in your eyes, Gontier!" I say back to him.

"It's June first, why are you wearing boots?" Billie asks.

"I'm only wearing them until it warms up in here."

"Liar."

"Liar." Adam says almost at the same time. I roll my eyes.

"Is that the only reason you called? To make fun of me and agree with everything Adam says?" I say to Billie.

"No. I actually called to see if you wanted to go out to breakfast with me. Adam can come too, if he wants."

"That sounds good. Where do you want to go?"

"Wherever you want to go."

"Lets go to the Country Club restaurant. We can use my in-law's membership and eat for free." Adam snorts a little to himself when he hears me say this, then he comes over to me and stands over my legs with his back to me. In one swift movement, he takes my boots off of my feet and holds them above his head victoriously. I give him a kick in the ass and he prances off across the living room with my boots still in his hands.

"That sounds good to me. I'll meet you there in thirty minutes or so." Billie says to me. Adam is standing in the foyer holding one of my boots up to his nose, sniffing the inside of it. He screws his face up and pretends to gag.

"OK, sounds good. I have to go and strangle my husband now. I'll see you in a bit." I hang up the phone and get up off the couch, going after Adam, who's laughing.

"Why would you want to wear these ass ugly things? They smell awful." He says, swinging them around so I can't take them from him.

"They do not! I like them."

"You look like you just got home from mammoth hunting with you cave woman friends when you wear them." I laugh and reach up in the air for the boots, missing by inches.

"I do not."

"Yes you do. If I had been with you when you bought them, I would have broke up with you, right then and there." I finally manage to snatch them from him.

"Oh my God. I cannot believe you just said that to me. You're supposed to love me no matter what. Ugly boots and all."

"So you admit that they're fugly?"

"NO!" He laughs.

"Do you want to go to breakfast with Billie and me?" I ask him.

"Yeah, after I shower and get dressed."

"How long is that going to take?" I say, glancing at my watch. I promised Billie that I'd see her in a half hour.

"You can go ahead without me, and I'll just meet you there."

"I guess that would work." I take my boots into the bedroom and put on a pair of black flip flops. I grab my purse and sunglasses, then go back out to the living room. Adam has his sunglasses pushed up on top of his head now, and is undressing in the little bathroom.

"Are you showering in here?" I ask him when I walk by.

"Yeah." He gives me a kiss on the top of my head and turns the shower on.

"OK, then I'm out of here." I say.

"Love you."

"Love you, too." I walk outside through the garage door and get in my car, which is parked out in the driveway.

I drive in silence the short distance to the golf course, which is only about a mile or so down the road from our house. I don't see Billie's car in the parking lot when I pull in, so I hand my keys to the valet and go inside. When I walk up to the hostess, I see her give me a once over and a disapproving look.

"Hi there." I say pleasantly.

"Can I help you?" She asks snottily.

"I'd like a table for three out on the deck, please. You can put it under my family's membership." She raises her eyebrow at me like she can't believe that a girl like me, with tattoo's, pink hair, and mini shorts knows someone who can afford to be a member here.

"What is the name?" She asks.

"Gontier." Both eyebrows go up this time.

"Right this way." She says. I smile to myself as she leads me out to the deck.

She sits me down at a table overlooking the green, right against the deck railing. She gives me a menu and asks me what I would like to drink. I look over the menu, which turns out to me a drink menu only, and order coffee and a small peach smoothie. I light a cigarette as soon as she walks away to get my drinks, and look out over the dew covered lawn. A few minutes later, I see the hostess coming back over leading Billie to my table. I put the cigarette out and stand up to hug Billie.

"Hello." She says, hugging me. The hostess leaves and a waitress comes up and asks Billie what she wants to drink, and leaves us some menus.

"Will anyone else be joining you today?" She asks us.

"Yes, my husband will a little later. But we don't have to wait to order." I say. Billie orders coffee and the waitress hurries off to get it. She comes back a minute later with all of the drinks.

"So, how are you this morning?" Billie asks me after she leaves again, and while we look over the food menus.

"I'm good. Nervous about today. I keep having this feeling like, something is going to go horribly wrong."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Like, the rehab people told me yesterday that they want to have a private meeting with Adam and I when we come there today."

"Soooo, they probably do that with everybody."

"Yeah, but what if they say we aren't good enough and we can't take care of him. What if they say something's wrong with us?"

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. I was talking to Adam's sister on the phone the other day, and she said that she didn't know why we thought we could take care of someone like Jack, when we can hardly take care of ourselves."

"Well, obviously a judge thought you two were good enough to take care of him, otherwise he'd be in jail right now and we wouldn't even be having this discussion."

"It kind of makes me mad when people say things like what Caitlin said, ya know? I don't know why people think that."

"It would make me mad too, honey. I think you've done an amazing job with that boy. You've taught him a lot about life and how to love."

"I know. In my heart I know that, but when people say things like that, it makes me doubt myself and the whole situation."

"What about Adam?"

"What about Adam?"

"Does Adam ever do anything to make you doubt yourself or what you're doing with Jack?"

"Adam is the main reason I'm still doing this. He gives me support in everything I do. I'm just worried."

"About what?"

"Well, for one thing, what's going to happen when Adam goes on tour again? It's not going to be much longer before that happens. I quit my job to be able to go out with him and support him, but how am I supposed to do that with Jack here? I will not take him out there, under any circumstances, that is not happening."

"And, you can't leave him here alone."

"Exactly. And the, I have to worry about Adam out there." The waitress comes back and takes our order. I order Baked Pumpkin Pie oatmeal and a cream cheese danish. Billie orders an omelet.

"Why are you worried about Adam?" Billie asks me when the waitress leaves again.

"My husband is a drug addict, he has a disease. I have to live with that everyday. Knowing that anything could trigger a relapse, knowing that anyday, for any reason, I could lose him to his disease. Being on tour has always been a huge trigger point for him, so if I have to stay home with Jack and support him, I can't be there to help protect Adam."

"You're worried about Adam relapsing while he's on tour?"

"I'd by lying if I said I wasn't. Adam is my everything, if I ever lost him, or if he started doing hard drugs again, I don't know what I'd do." She nods and takes a sip of her coffee.

"I mean, I've seen him take pills. I can handle that, but heroin is a different thing. I don't know if I could get him off of that if he started. And, he's fine right now, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow he isn't going to wake up and decide for whatever reason that he's going to let his disease take him over again." I say.

"You know, in all the time that I've known about Adam's addiction, I've never worried about him relapsing. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because, he knows all that he has to lose. He has you, and a family and a good life. If he relapses, he takes a chance of losing all of that. He never had that before he met you. He knows that he has things good with you around and that if he fucks up, you could very easily leave. He has a lot of people counting on him, not just you either."

"It's hard being on the road, even if you're not alone. I know, I was out there with him before."

"He's never alone. You're always with him, right here." She puts her hand over her heart and smiles. I smile back at her.

"I love you. You always know the right thing to say to talk me down, and make me feel better."

"And, I don't want you to worry about Jack, either. Both of your boys are going to be just fine as long as they know that you're behind them."

"You're so amazing, Billie. You save me money in therapy."

"That's what I'm here for." I look inside the restaurant and see Adam talking to the hostess. I feel my heart start to beat faster and my stomach jump around a little.

"Do you ever get butterflies when you see Dad walk in a room?" I ask Billie, my eyes still on Adam. She turns and looks at what I'm staring at, then she smiles.

"Sometimes. Do you with Adam?"

"Yeah. Every time."