Addicted to Plush Brian Haner JR

Days. I've been trying for days. Nothing. This is shit. I'm walking the beach. How many different ways can someone apologize. For something so idiotic. The water was cold against my bare feet. Cigarettes are my only entertainment. Since coming home from Big Bear no one answers their phone. Is the world ignoring Brian Haner? Have I done something to be avoided. Do they know what I've been doing?

Brian: you didn't do anything. I kissed a married woman. Barely. It was more of an attempt. Exactly, now she knows I intend more than I let on. Good. Not good.

I shook my head. At times I came close to ripping my hair out. Its not all flowers and bunnies. Remember that. Melly isn't usually wrong about these types of things. That's why you talk to her. So she can tell you that kind of shit.

Brian: fuck this.

I ran back to my empty home. Grabbing my keys and making quick to lock the door I left. I ran into the building and up to the receptionist. She looked up at me. That same smile before adorned her face.

Brian: hello...I'm here to see Jenn.

Sec: go right ahead.

What kind of secretary is she? Just let's people see Jenn like its ok. I nodded a thank you. I barged into her office.

Brian: Jenn.

Jenn: what the hell are you doing here?

Brian: I need to talk to you.

Jenn: no.

Brian: it was a dumb impulse kiss. A bullshit of a kiss. A fucking petty little lame ass kiss. That clearly meant nothing. We're friends. Remember? Friends.

Jenn: get out.

Brian: come on you're really going to let that One shitty elementary school kiss get in the way of us being friends?

Jenn: I have to.

Brian: why?

Jenn: I'm married. You don't even have a girlfriend.

Brian: so what? We're friends. Its possible for two people of the opposite sex to be friends.

Jenn: unless one of them feels more.

Brian: I don't...

Lies.

Brian: do you?

Jenn: n-no. I'm married. To me you are his friend. I'm looking at it from the outside in. It doesn't look right.

Brian: we both know its nothing more.

Jenn: you kissed me Brian. That doesn't seem like nothing.

Brian: impulse. I'm trying to change remember. I'm recovering from sleeping with anyone. You've helped. That was just like a relapse...

Her brows furrowed. Those blue eyes stared me down.

Brian: you're my friend. You've helped me.

Jenn: how have I helped?

Brian: I-you...well.

You're the only one I want and need. I sighed and ran a hand down my face.

Brian: we are both lonely...

Her face softened a bit.

Brian: we confide in each other even though we don't know each other that well. Friends. We're each others shoulder in a sense.

Jenn: I've got a bestfriend.

Brian: not bestfriends. Someone who understands our life.

Jenn: our life?

Brian: the lonely life we live. I'm not trying to replace your bestfriend.

I'm trying to replace your husband. There's a difference.

Brian: that kiss was a mistake. I know. And I'm forever sorry.

Jenn: I'm busy.

Brian: Jenn please.

She shook her head. I sighed again.

Jenn: just leave.

That was way more argumentative than it should have been. I didn't realize that pathetic excuse for a kiss bothered her so much. My fingers fumbled with my lighter as I lit a smoke. Closing my eyes to destress myself. Who knows how long I sat there. How many smokes I went through. The mist of the ocean hit my face. The water wrestled within itself. More and more I began to think the ocean waves would slap about to match my many moods. The deep blues and greys mixed together.

Brian: what the fuck is wrong with me?

I groaned loudly. The crashing waves drowned me out. Still all I saw was her face. Thinking of her puts me in a place I've never been. It reminds me of when I play. And I mean when I'm really playing and all the world is just an echo. Like I'm in a box all by myself and they can only watch me. Because by the way I feel my guitar, is the only true way you could understand how important it is to me. She's more powerful than that. More engraved in my mind. The evening was long. The night longer. I'd ran out smokes long ago. The cool wind whipped across my face. This is the thinking I should have done in Big Bear. My groan filled the air once again.

Brian: I need more smokes...

I said to myself and stood up from the cold damp sand. Its late. Quickly I tried to think of the nearest store open for me to buy some cigarettes. Maybe some beer as well. Its going to be one of those long sleepless nights. One of the nights where I think about everything in my life. Every aspect. Every wrong decision I've made. The right ones. The advice I never took. My career. What career I could have ended up in. Family. Women I've passed up. Women I should have passed up. Everything. I walked into a gas station. There were a few people in the little convenience store. The cashier looked at me lazily. A light voice met my ears.

Girl: oh my God you're Synyster Gates.

I turned to look at this girl. She was with some friends I guessed. Young. Twenty one at the oldest. I smirked a little as a response. The girl and her friends whispered. I'm not vain but I know its about me. I glanced at them. That entertained them enough. What beer did I want. Ehh. Not much of a selection. The girl approached me slowly. I noticed from the corner of my eye. I looked at her with a smile.

Brian: hi.

Her cheeks turned red.

Girl: I just want to say you are amazing at what you do.

Brian: thank you.

Girl: do you have a girlfriend?

I laughed a little. Not meanly just a laugh.

Brian: how old are you?

Girl: over eighteen.

I looked back at the beer with a smile. Man young little cute thing like that. Throwing herself at a worthless man like me. Why couldn't Jenn see what this random girl saw?

Brian: as tempting as well...you are, you don't want to-

Girl: but I do. I love your work and I just want to give the love back.

Brian: its flattering but I'm sorry, I can't.

I grabbed a random pack of beer, went to the counter got some smokes, quickly paid, and left. That girl was young and fresh. I could have had her easily. I entered my house with a loud sigh. I used to come with a bitch on my arm. A different one every night. Or every other night depending on my mood.

Brian: cheers to myself. Drinking alone as always. Not forever, you've got Jenn. I don't have shit. Even Melly is pissed at me. Which is bad. Melly has her own shit going, Jenn. Jenn is not mine. Yes. No. Could be. Married.

I took a long good drink from the can. Where to start with my reflection? Well I'm chasing a married woman. That though is not new in my battling mind. Her husband is a friend of mine. I used to teach people how to play his music. Before I was Synyster Gates. I shook my head. I've come quite a ways. From teaching his music to trying to take his wife. Did she tell him? I'm sure she did. She made it clear, she tells him everything. Ofcourse its her husband. Why wouldn't she? Maybe he'll get pissed and leave her...what the fuck is wrong with you? I'd never wish her unhappiness. Him. Not her. That's sick. He's your friend. So is she. If they really are your friends, people you care about, you'd stop. I would have stopped long ago. Truth is. I'm selfish. Plus Melly said I deserve whatever woman I want. So did Matt. And I believe it. They wouldn't have told me that just to make me feel better. My friends also don't know she is married. Measly flowers won't do in a moment like this. Flowers are for dumb things. Granted this is dumb. They are for less "dramatic" issues. Flowers don't seem like the way to make her change her mind anyway. She's better than that. Knows flowers don't fix things. They just sit there, look pretty, and wither. Flowers would be like an insult. And I just wouldn't know what flowers to send. What color. How many. Fuck flowers. I won't listen to that advice Matt. I'll let that one piece slide.