Addicted to Plush Brian Haner JR

My friends. My family know I'm bothered. I have been for awhile. With the way I was doing shit. The whole routine issue. I've been doing things differently since that night I saw her. She gave me the reason to change. And ofcourse as the story goes for me there is a catch. She's been caught already. Snagged away from me. Although it is the case of me changing my habits, I've come to see its not much different than before. After all, how much better is it for me to chase one married woman than a bunch of not married women? Not much the way I look at it. Everyday that "difference" becomes less of a difference. I'm still the same man. I've just changed the game a bit. I needed more of a challenge. So I chose her. A married woman. Its all so clear. I was bored so I switched it up. Which isn't at all positive. My friends and family think I'm trying to settle down-

Matt: still no luck with lunch girl?

Brian: she answers the phone now.

Matt: that's better than nothing man. Don't give up.

My friends would not give me such motivation if they knew.

Brian: she doesn't talk much though.

Matt: no worries. It will pass I'm sure. Most things do.

He sighed and his gaze went to the water. Like me, my friends and family are bothered. Like me, they keep it to themselves. Like them I see the troubles in their eyes. Hear the turmoil in their sighs. We all together are in our troubled minds. In the same condition with not the will to speak. Fine, is a word we've all come to say as easily as hello. Its as instinctive as breathing. The word sickens me yet I am just as quick to use it. A smile makes my way on my face every time I go to one of my close friends to confide in. Because its more of the idea than the actual doing. Its the same for them. The idea we can confide in each other. I've never actually said a word. So no confiding can be done. They've never told me what is on their minds. No one has said anything. Its only an idea for us. Matt's heavy sigh filled the silence between us. Even though its only an idea we all still play the part.

Brian: what's on your mind bro?

Nothing? Its the answer I'm expecting.

Matt: I'm alone.

I looked at my friend. His eyes entranced with the waves of the ocean before us.

Matt: you've got lunch girl and even though you two are arguing, you still have someone. I've got no one.

Brian: there are plenty of women out there.

Matt: I know but...

He sighed once again.

Matt: I want someone I can't have.

His voice was a bit quiet. It felt like he was letting something out. Something that had been held in for a very long time.

Brian: you can have anyone.

Matt: no.

He whispered. What ever his torment was I could feel it. Pulsing in my body. I felt that torment. The no, of not being able to have. Jenn. She is my torment and my joy.

Brian: yes you can.

Matt: anyone.

Brian: anyone man.

Matt: I could have just anyone, as could you. Do you want anyone other than lunch girl? She's pissed at you. Yet you still want only her.

Brian: I understand. Who is she?

He smiled for a second.

Matt: let's just call her my lunch girl.

I nodded. It surprised me. The answer he gave. He's lonely. We all get lonely. I'm lonely. She's lonely. Jenn told me herself. Alone.

Brian: is she someone I know?

Matt: usually.

I frowned.

Matt: lately no one knows her.

Brian: ah. Much like the rest of us.

Matt: yup.

Not once had he looked at me. Only stared at the water. Today it would be a reflection of his mind.

Brian: its funny how when one of us is down, we all seem to get that way.

He let out a chuckle.

Matt: I know right.

Entertaining thought. We all felt the same. We are all our own person. We feel the same for different reasons. Except me and Matt. We both are burdened with women. Burdened is not the correct word. Jenn is no burden. Her husband he is a burden. Getting in the way. I lit up a smoke. Jenn is like my cigs. I need her. I know its stupid to compare her to something as vile as cigarettes. But what I want is vile.

Matt: here I thought we were going to work out today.

Brian: not today.

Matt: the endorphens would make us feel better.

Brian: yes but the thought of doing work to get them is not appealing to me.

Matt: you sound like Zacky.

I cringed a bit.

Brian: that's not appealing either.

He chuckled again.

Brian: he's a fatass who eats to much and gets to much attention from the ladies.

Matt: he's got his own charm. The bitches love him that's for sure.

Brian: it amazes me.

Matt: how much chicks love him?

Brian: yes. He's such an annoying prick.

Matt: ask Melly I'm sure she's got the answer. She always does.

Brian: she's a smartass just like Zack.

Matt: its why she always has the answer.

Brian: she doesn't have any kind of anything recently.

Matt: not for herself but for the rest of us.

I smiled a little. She does always know what to say.

Brian: what have you concluded?

Matt: for what?

Brian: Melly and James.

Matt: honestly...I don't know.

Brian: I think she's hiding something.

Matt: we already know that. We're all hiding something...

He looked at me finally.

Brian: are you hiding something?

Matt: yes.

His eyes went back to the water.

Matt: aren't you?

I thought briefly.

Brian: yes.

I nodded. Smoke escaped my lips and danced around my head until it disappeared.

Brian: I had a young hot little thing practically throw herself at me the other night.

Matt glanced at me. I took another drag.

Brian: must of been about twenty one. She was with some of her friends. Told me she loved my work and wanted to give the love back.

I side looked at Matt. He waited for me to finish.

Brian: I told her no.

Matt: alright.

I shrugged. We sat in silence. The ocean waves crashed against the shore.

Brian: any time before meeting lunch girl I would have had no problem. I would have taken that little girl home, had my way with her, then shown her the door.

Matt: that's when they haunt your mind man. They're always there. Always. Even if you go days, weeks, months without seeing them. The thought of them doesn't go away.

He shook his head.

Brian: its not a bad thing Matt.

Matt: not until you start lieing.

I couldn't help but wonder if that was directed towards me. The way he said it.

Matt: it always starts simple.

My brows furrowed.

Matt: for me. First I got home. Alone as always. As I've been for awhile now. Then you see her. You see her but she doesn't see you. She's all you think about. Her being happy, wanting her, its all you want. And when you can't get that, you feel overwhelmed with shit. All you want is to be the one, you know. Its set in your head. That you know you're meant to be important in her life. But you step further and start becoming more emotionally involved. On your side. She doesn't notice. Then comes the lieing. The double meaning in your words. The way you hate your friends. How you can get so close to touching her.

Again he shook his head.

Matt: how you tell yourself it doesn't bother you. How you're fine. When in reality you cringe at the thought of any hand that isn't yours against her skin. You start lieing to the people around you and yourself. Which is not ok. And to her. You lie to her. To her fucking face. She understands friends. You understand something more. And you're "fine". Just peachy fucking keen. And everyone knows you're not. But you keep saying you are just fine. Just fine.

He said with an amused smile.

Brian: that doesn't sound simple...

He looked at me. He knew so much. Every word he had said. Exactly to the tee of my problem. Did he know? Or did we just share the same problem? Not likely. Matt is not the type of man. He is good and he is honest. I shook my head. He knew. Except he never mentioned another man.

Matt: it is simple. We become liars.

Brian: this girl makes you feel that way?

Matt: yes.

Brian: how come you've never mentioned her before?

He smiled a bit.

Matt: we talk about her all the time.

There's only one woman always on my mind.

Brian: tell me who is this chick?

His eyes met mine.

Matt: tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.