Misguided Ghosts

She asked herself questions. On a good day just one or two, on a bad day they could make her scream in frustration trying to overpower the voices in her head. It was a good thing she had gotten her apartment soundproofed, otherwise the landlord probably would have kicked her out by now. After all, she knew by now, the questions, they were never going to be answered. He left her three months ago, and even after all that time she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why. Notebooks scattered around the small one bedroom apartment were filled with lyrics, some angry and violent while others were written in another slump of post-breakup depression. Her apartment was spotless for the first time in months since she had nothing to since he was gone. The only person who ever bothered actually trying to talk to her since she broke her cell phone (purposely) and bought a new lock (the most expensive one that they sold at Home Depot) had been Ryan.

Hayley finally let him in after the first week he spent lying outside of her apartment door only leaving to get food and go to the restroom. His hair was untended and not a single trace of eyeliner remained on him.

“Hey.” He said looking up, as Hayley finally opened the door.
She sighed in defeat, “Come in.” Ryan seemed ready to cry, his eyes rimmed red. “Any particular reason you spent the last week outside my door?”

“They kicked me out…Hayley, he hates me.”

She rubbed her head before turning back to Ryan, “Who kicked you out of what?”

“I’mnotinpanicanymorebecausemeandbrendonbrokeupandnowhehatesmeandneverwantstoseemeagain,” tears were leaking out of Ryan’s eyes now, and he was on the way to full blown sobbing.

“Wait,” She held up a finger, grabbing tissues with the other hand, “Can they actually kick you out? I mean you’re the co founder of Panic….”

Ryan sniffled again, dabbing at his tears, “Pete said that it was legal, and Pete, he won’t talk to me either.” Ryan stopped talking momentarily to wipe away more tears, before continuing, “No one else on the label will talk to me except Bill and the rest of TAI because he’s been through the same thing with Tom. But, they’re all the way up in Chicago and I figured you might not have heard so I came here.”

“You mean when Tom cheated on him with…Pete?” Hayley looked angry all of a sudden, “You mean Brendon cheated on you with Pete and has the audacity to kick you out of the band?"

“It wasn’t his fault. I mean Pete’s really forceful about those types of things…” Ryan trailed off. After all, there was no real excuse for Brendon.

“What do they expect to do with no lyricist and no guitarist?”

“Well…they don’t exactly have a bassist either…”

“Jon left the band? Jon left and Spencer didn’t? What happened to your like, seventeen years of friendship?”

When she got no further response from Ryan besides more tears, Hayley pulled him up and led him inside. “Come on, you can sleep in the guest bedroom and we’ll move you in tomorrow. Where exactly is your stuff?”

He looked up at her through long, tear soaked lashes, “Brendon’s.” Ryan looked so much more like an abandoned child that instant than the man who used to slip her drinks and laugh and smile when his boyfriend would crack corny jokes. It made her want to cry, seeing how the world seemed to being turning in and over, like one cruel joke that would never end.

She sighed, looking away once she’d gotten Ryan tucked in. Well, maybe fixing Ryan would help fix her own broken heart. Hayley sighed again before going off to her own bed.

In the end, it seemed like every band signed had to grow up just a little bit faster, just a little bit more broken than the average kid. Except for the fact that they weren’t kids, they were adults who’d grown up to fast. Yet at the same, they hadn’t really grown up at all.