In The End

I keep going back in reverse. Falling, turning, even crawling. I guess I have a lot I have repressed. It hurts to think about it but I cannot get it out of my head. It’s just there. Eating at me. Poking at me. Why! Come to think about it, I knew a lot about him. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Oh, why. The positive things, I remember them. The negatives… they seem oh so far away. Like, maybe, they were all just a dream. An exaggerated dream and perhaps it was me just over reacting and very immature. But that cannot be, too, because all those bad things were effecting me. I was being controlled in the worst way. I was engaged with sorrow. I was marrying death. And so it ended. So why do I want to go back to at least that simple yet distant friendship? Even that kept me whipped. I don’t know. I just wish he could leave from my head. I guess I just feel bad that he’s so heartbroken because of me.

I've got a lot to say. First off, this weekend was pretty chill. The chillest it’s every going to get. I had a lot of weekend homework to get through and I wasn’t stressed about it. I’m actually kind of surprised or something that it got done early. I think I managed my time very well. I got other things done too, like cleaning and rearranging my room. It looks good. I love it. An installed desk came in, I got Microsoft Word on my laptop once again, and I even had time to read and went out to eat with Mrs and brothers. Remember I said i had to go to act class? I ended up not going. Well, I did but it was closed so I came back home to watch some international adoption channel. I like it, it opened my eyes again because I forgot how corrupt people can be with children. Poor stolen kids.

Sometimes I feel bad for Mr because…well, he just lies too much. It does not take literally twelve hours to buy a bathroom key. Liar. So we ditched him as he arrived home. Sad, but that’s what happened. I have been questioning myself whether I am doing the right thing or not. I guess I still feel bad for X. I shouldn’t, but I really do. I had the craziest idea while I was in the car. I should have stabbed myself for even thinking that.

Apart from my personal life, I’ve been feeling rather weird. Light headed and slow. Maybe it is just because I am on my days but… I really don’t think it’s that. I wish I knew answers. My mind is knotting up slowly, soon it will be chaos if I don’t figure out why I am feeling so out of it. I have really got to move out and live on my own, though. I have always wanted to. It would have been cool to move in with my cousin at sixteen but it was pointless in the end if she gets drunk really hard.

I keep thinking my writing is too structural, so I’ve decided to break loose from that school standardized nonsense on here. I don’t need it! In fact, maybe I do need it… I always put myself down on my writing like I am not good enough to even revise it because that is how much it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. And when I write, I wish I had something meaningful to say, but I guess I don’t. So why try? I think I am better off writing in my head or in the air that way there would be no trace of my horrible writing style or whatever. Eh. I’m just being pretty pessimistic; I don’t feel too great. Even though I should. I don’t feel too great at all.

PS I keep getting that sharp feeling in my gut and heart speed pumped every now and then. This just isn’t well. I think I’m scared.