Stabbing Expectatons

I watch in guilt as Eli rolls over, clutching his nether region in pain, groaning. I'm sure he's never felt a pain like that before and I feel guilty, but it had to be done. For him, for us. Quickly, I grabbed my cell phone and locked myself in my bathroom, nestling myself in the bath tub for a bit of comfort.
He almost raped me. My Eli, my sweet, innocent Eli, almost raped me and it terrifies me because I know he'd never hurt me. I want to cry and scream. I also want to walk back out there and hold my arms out, screaming "Take me, take me!" because the guilt was too heavy. But if I did that, he wouldn't get better. If he did that, he may do things that he will regret. I use the WI-Fie on my phone to find a number for a therapist and dial quickly. The Freemont's had insurance and they had money, they could surely afford it. I'd pay anything it might cost upfront if I had to, but I had to get Eli help.
The phone rings once, twice, until a woman's voice answers pleasantly, "Dr. Jean Luc's office, how may I help you?"
"Y-Yes," I replied shakily. Was I really doing this? "My boyfriend, his name is Eli, I think he might have a sex addiction..."
The other side of the line was silent other the sound of shuffling papers. "Tell me, what are his symptoms?"
I list everything that I had admitted to Noemi and a bit more, needing him to actually have the addiction, so he could be helped, be better. He had to, he had to.
"Hold please." And then irritating elevator music began to sing in my ear and I nearly chucked my phone across the room. I didn't have time to wait. Eli would recover soon and then he'd try to get in. I was scared, I admitted it, fucking scared. "Bring him in immediately, Dr. Jean Luc will see him."
"Thank you so, so much, ma'am. Merci," I gasped, hitting end. And then I thought, how am I getting him there? Eli is taller than me, stronger than me, he could tear off my clothes and throw me down and have his way with me the moment I stepped out of the safety of my bathroom. He couldn't have me anymore. It wasn't good for him. I was toxic, toxic and selfish and I hated it. My Eli deserved more, deserved better. Not me, never me.
My thumb was a blur across the buttons of my phone. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring - "Hello?"
"Lex?" I gasped, not realizing that I had been holding my breathe.
"Hey, Ames," Alexandre said cheerfully. "What's up? You sound like you just ran a marathon."
"Not yet, but if you don't help me, I might have to."
"What's up?"
I explained to him my problem, Eli's problem. I felt as if I were betraying Eli. How could I tell his secrets to someone whom was waiting for the moment he slipped up? But I had to, for Eli, for his sake, for his health. This was for him, not me, him.
"Damn...I'll go get Alain and then we'll head right over. Just keep calm and don't let him near you, understand me?" I told him that I did and hung up, hugging my arms around myself, trying to hold the pieces together. I knew that this was bad, that being with Eli was bad. I knew it wouldn't end well, but I did it for him. I had to. There was no way to say no, to disappoint. He didn't deserve the disappointment, he didn't deserve the pain.
I was pain.
I decided that I'd pack my things and find somewhere else, maybe an apartment or a small duplex. I couldn't stay under this roof, not knowing about how I affected Eli. It'd hurt him too much. I'd break up with him, stay away for as long as I could until things were safe once again. The urges would never go away, but he could control it. He was Eli, he was good at everything.
Making plans, I slowly fell into a dull sleep that was dreamless and dark, not peaceful or comforting, not horrible and thrashing. It was bleak. Even my subconscious had run dry, with nothing to say, no pictures to paint, and I called myself an artist. I was ashamed of myself.
I awoke to the sound of a door slamming open and a frightened yell, Eli's yell.
"Eli, you're coming with us!" I could hear Alex roar and then something crash. I hoped Eli was alright. Alex would be fine, no matter what, but not Eli. Eli was glass compared to Alex.
Then there was a banging on the door and I screamed because I felt frightened. I felt like the girl that was hiding in the horror movies, but this was no movie. This was worse. This was reality.
"Amelie?" that was Alain, his voice demanding, but concerned. "Are you in there?" I made a noise so he'd know that I was. "When Alex has got Eli under control, I coming in to get you and then I'm taking you straight to my car, alright? You can't be near him right now."
"I...I can't open the door!" I cried, shaking my head, refusing. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I'd make everything so much worse, so much harder. "I'll mess things up! He'll try to get me! He'll - " And then I broke down into tears because I was afraid of my Eli, I made him sound like a bad guy and it was terrible. How could I? How could I?
"Just unlock the door, sweetie, it'll be alright," I could hear him croon through the door and I slowly did. His voice was warm and comforting. I felt easy, but still woeful. I'm sorry Eli, I'm sorry.
The door handle turned and I heard the click of the door opening.
"NO! You leave her alone! She's mine, she's mine!" And I cried harder. Eli, he still wanted me. I was hurting him. Eli, I'm so sorry! Forgive me, please, please, please! "Amelie, love, tell him to let me go! I'm sorry, just kiss me, come to me, please!" I wanted to. Oh how did I want to, but it felt so wrong, so dirty with Alain just behind the door and Eli so far away.
Alain slipped in quickly so that I didn't get a glimpse of Eli and shut and locked the door behind him. He rushed at me and I threw my arms around his neck, needing comfort, needing the warmth that Eli can no longer give me. Still so selfish, but I needed. I was human, too, I needed.
"Help him, please," I sobbed into his shirt. "Take me away from him, I'm hurting him."
"He's hurting himself," Alain whispered to me and then swept and arm under my knees, bringing me up bridal style. "Hide your face and don't look up once, understand me. Eli isn't stable." Neither am I.
I did as he told me to, heard the click, and then felt a new breeze and the door came open. I felt Alain move quickly, but carefully. I didn't peek, not once, but I could still hear.
"Let her go! She's mine! Give her back!" I could hear him roar, hear his struggle to get free, Alex's struggle to keep hold of him.
"Get her out of here, man! Hurry!" Alex cried and then swore loudly. Had Eli hurt him? I cried harder.
I could feel the air shift around me as we entered the hallway, went down the stairs, got to the car. Alain balanced me as he opened the passenger side of the car and settled me in, the tears still rolling down my face in large, salty, black-stained drops. I felt his lips on my forehead, felt how right it was. "It's going to be okay," he whispered and kissed my forehead again before shutting the door and locking the car. I watched him run back into the house to retrieve Eli; it was a two-man job now. Eli was wild.
I refused to watch as Eli was dragged to Alexander's car and wrangled into it, buckled and locked in. I kept my face in my hands, my vision clouded by my murky tears anyway. I couldn't watch this. It was so unbearable.
The driver's door opened and I knew that it was Alain, so I did not panic. I looked at him with pleading eyes and he placed a hand on my cheek, comforting. I relaxed.
"You're beautiful, Amelie," he whispered to me, wiping away a few tears with his thumb, and I felt a warmth in my belly. I was beautiful. I believed him.
I watched the bumper of Alex's car drive away just as my phone began to ring; I answered. "Where am I going?" I told him the address that I desperately memorized and held in my urge to scream to Eli. It wasn't too hard, Alain's eyes were hard on me.
Alain started the car and followed Alex, one hand on the wheel, the other enclosed around mine. He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it softly. It felt good, but then terrible. Was this betrayal to Eli? We hadn't done anything.
But Eli and I were over, I had decided, and he would know. We could be no more than friends, if our friendship was savable anymore. It hurt thinking about, it hurt excruciatingly. I needed him.
"You're beautiful, Amelie, anyone could be addicted to you," Alain whispered again, taking his eyes off the road the slightest bit to look at me.
I felt calmer.