Hurricane

February 2006

Things seemed to get better for me as time went by. I got back to working, trying to distract myself. Brendon was always around me; keeping me company and making sure that I didn’t see Pete. When I first started getting back into my normal routine, Brendon hadn’t been so protective until after he found me back in my bunk crying as if Pete had just broken up with me all over again. What had really happened was me just getting a glimpse of the back of his head as he headed to the bathroom in the venue we were at.

As I often, repetitively thought to myself, I was so grateful for Brendon. I was so glad that I didn’t have to handle all of this by myself. With Brendon around I somehow just knew that I could get past all of this.

Another week later, though, and I could see Pete without completely breaking down. I don’t think that I could talk to him or hear him speaking with someone else. It still hurt so goddamn much to think about Pete not being around me anymore, but it was getting easier to handle my emotions. My true emotions were not fully displayed on the outside, but people noticed I was even more subdued and less talkative than I had been previously. Besides Brendon, I didn’t really talk to anyone else anymore. I avoided everyone in Fall Out Boy and I didn’t really have anything to say to the rest of the guys in Panic!.

March 2006

When I noticed the date I realized it had been a year since my attempted suicide. I thought back to that day and even though I had originally been angry over being saved, now, at this point in time, I was glad that I was still alive.

I shared this with Brendon, and he smiled at me.

“I’m glad too,” he said, pulling me against him for a hug. We were sitting in my bunk, relaxing before we had to start getting things ready for the night’s show. “I would have never gotten to meet you.”

I smiled back at him. Brendon checked the time on his cell phone and then proceeded to show me the time as well.

“Looks like it’s time to get to work,” I said. I crawled out of my bunk and waited for Brendon to follow. I started towards the front of the bus, Brendon close behind me.

I stopped immediately when I got out of the bunk area and Brendon ran into me. Pete was standing a few feet away and when he saw me he opened his mouth to speak, I turned around and squeezed past Brendon to get back to the bunks.

Why was he on this bus?

“You shouldn’t be here,” I could just barely hear Brendon say. I didn’t hear Pete’s reply, but then Brendon said, “I don’t think she’s ready to talk to you.”

Again I couldn’t hear anything and I went and crawled into my bunk. A few minutes later, I heard movement and when I poked my head out of my bunk I saw Brendon coming towards me.

“I told him you don’t want to talk to him,” he said. “But he’s being stubborn, so I said I’d come back here and ask you.”

I sighed and climbed out of the bunk.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said as I started towards the front of the bus.

“It has to be done sometime,” I said, stopping to look back at Brendon. I gave him a small smile. “I’ll be fine.”

I could tell he didn’t believe me.

I continued forward and found Pete standing right where I had left him.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” he said. I looked at him in disbelief.

“Please leave,” I said quietly.

“But— ” he started.

“Just leave, Pete!” I yelled, interrupting him and surprising the both of us. “If you wanted to see if I was okay you should have checked in on me sooner.”

“I didn’t…I just…” he was at a loss for words. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry is not going to fix anything,” I said. “Please just leave.”

Pete nodded his head before turning around; I watched him until he was off the bus. I turned around and headed back towards the bunks. Brendon was still standing by my bunk, waiting for me. I walked straight to him and he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug and before I knew it I was sobbing.

I really did hope that things would get better.