A Way To Get Lost In You

What if I walked without you?
What if I ran without you?
What if I stand without you?
I could not go on

Abigail unlocked the door and sighed as she was greeted by silence. Automatically she wished that she would have listened to Jimmy and Leanna about staying with them. It had been two months, which should have been enough time for her to heal, since that night and she was still left broken.

She had tried to move on, at least to forget him, but had failed. She looked down at her hand and felt the tears coming again. Her eyes burned as she forced them away, she wouldn’t cry tonight. She would have to make it more than one night without crying. Even if she couldn’t move one yet she had to keep trying. What other option did she have besides to keep trying?

What if I lived without you?
What if I loved without you?
What if I died without you?
I could not go on

It was like the picture of them together on her nightstand was staring at her later that night as she lay in bed. His smile and that gleam in his eyes as he looked at her that day, the way she had been happy and could smile without having to force it. The past seemed to only grow more painful as the weeks dragged on.

The memories should have helped to ease her pain, after all they had been together for years. Those were the one thing that no one could take from her no matter how hard they tried. They would only live on with her, deep in her heart. But the problem was that with each day they fell further into the past as she lived in the future.

Rolling onto her back she squeezed her eyes shut knowing that she needed sleep. Leanna would arrive early the next morning. Abigail knew exactly what she would face though, no matter how hard her best friend tried to snap her out of it. She would face that she was alone, she was left without him.

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

“Are you sure that you’ll be okay with seeing Matt tomorrow Abbs?” Jimmy asked as he tossed an arm around her shoulder the next morning when she arrived with Leanna. Abigail’s heart twisted when she heard his name but she didn’t show it. Instead she plastered on another smile for her friends.

She hadn’t been right since he’d been out of her life. She hadn’t felt anything good since that fateful night two months ago. She’d only improved at hiding her true emotions behind the fake smile and not keeping eye contact with either Jimmy or Leanna, or the other guys when she saw them. Her pain was her own little hidden secret.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll see him eventually anyway.” That was exactly what she meant for one. No lies to cover her pain, no skipping anything, just the truth. She didn’t just want to see him, she needed to see him. She had to see him. She just couldn’t let go of him that much.

Without him she was missing most of the essence that had made her up. She wasn’t just broken, she was gone in a why. She felt like a no one, like a nobody. She didn’t feel like anything, instead she felt like a nothing.

What if I lie without you?
And what if I rise without you?
And what if I dream without you?
I could not go on

“Abigail you’ve got to go on honey.” Leanna said as she drove towards the store. She had an entire list of things to get before the large barbeque that was set for the next evening. She figured that the car ride would suffice for alone time to speak openly with the girl who had grown to become her best friend.

“I can’t. Without Matt I just feel like I’m nothing. I can’t just not love him. He doesn’t care about me but I’m still in love with him Leanna.” Abigail looked out the window of the car as Leanna drove them towards the store.

“We need to find you someone new, that is what you need!” For the first time in two months Leanna had succeeded in making Abigail smile for real. She grinned triumphantly to herself and made a game plan to make her best friend laugh again.

“Look at me? I’m left completely broken. Who in their right mind would want me?” Abigail couldn't help but smile again as Leanna cut her eyes.

“Don’t you ever talk about yourself like that again! Never! Or I will make Jimmy kidnap you and we’ll keep you in the basement until you love yourself again Abigail! You aren’t going to move on quickly, its going to take you a long time but you have to still be happy. Do whatever it takes to allow yourself a little bit of happiness.”

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

Jimmy sat across from Abigail that night as they played Clue with Leanna. He had just entered the ballroom and he was glancing around the board with a look of suspicion on his face. Leanna was giggling to herself at her husband and Abigail was smiling. “I know! It was Mrs. White, in the ballroom, with the knife!” He yelled suddenly as he grabbed the little envelope that contained the cards that would tell him if he was right or wrong.

“So are you right?” Abigail watched as he looked through the cards, a frown on his face. He looked up and pouted for a few seconds and then he burst into laughter.

“Yes! Of course I am right!” He stood up and grinned at the two before walking to the refrigerator to grab each of them a drink. Leanna smiled and shook her head at them as pain sunk into Abigail’s heart.

They were so much in love with each other, just like she and Matt had been at one point in time. A part of was screaming to get out of there, not to watch they way they looked at each other. Another part was pulling to take her deep into the past again. She felt stuck between the two parts of her that wanted different things. She wanted to watch Jimmy and Leanna, she wanted to know that it hadn’t been a lie for her and Matt, that love did exist. But she also wanted to relive the memories that had been plaguing her to surface for weeks now. She wanted to remember them for more than a few seconds.

You left my side tonight
And I just don't feel right
I can't let you out of sight
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

Then the battle was won, she would allow herself to be pulled in her memories of a better time. “Matt what are you doing?” Abigail asked with a laugh. She watched as Matt ran up the stairs, cursing himself. They were supposed to be having dinner together at his house, and they had been, then Matt said he forgot something. “Matt?”

“I’ll be right down Abbs!” His voice was muffled by the distance between his upstairs bedroom and the dinning room. He reached into the secret hiding place and grabbed the small surprise that he’d forgotten to grab earlier in the evening. The truth was he had been so busy cooking and making sure everything was perfect that he had completely forgot to grab the reason for it all.

She was still sitting at the table, looking contently at the candles and the roses in the center, when he reentered. “You know for a guy who I told didn’t have to do romantic things like this for me you sure are good at it.” He grinned at the words as they exited her mouth. She was still smiling at him as he sat back down.

“Well I wanted tonight to be special.”

“And why is that?” She raised one eyebrow and watched the smirk play on his face.

“You’ll see, after dessert.” She turned back to eating the cheesecake and thinking about what was so special. She couldn’t think of any major dates that it was, just another ordinary Saturday night. Nothing special about it.

Matt watched her closely until he saw she pushed the dessert plate away slightly, signaling that she was done. He stood up and grabbed his plate and hers to take them to the kitchen. “Promise you’ll stay right there?”

“I won’t move an inch Matt.” Abigail watched as his disappeared into the kitchen. Quickly she realized that it was taking him more time than it should have to take two plates to the sink, unless he had decided to wash them. But she didn’t hear the sink running. He could have put them in the dishwasher. But she didn’t hear that either.

Finally he appeared back in the dinning room, but instead of going back to his chair he walked over to where Abigail was sitting. The second that he bent down onto one knee she realized what was going on. A sudden feeling of surprise overwhelmed her before words even started to come out of his mouth.

“Abigail I love you so much and I don’t want to ever lose you. I would be completely lost without, you really are my other half. Will you make me the luckiest man alive and marry me?” He pulled the black velvet box out and opened it, revealing the diamond engagement ring that he’d bought weeks ago.

“Matt, you should already know the answer. Yes of course I’ll marry you.” She felt him slide the ring onto her finger before his lips pressed gently against hers, her heart feeling like it was about to bust from joy.

“I love you Abby.” He whispered sweetly in her ear, his breath sending chills up and down her spine.

“I love you too Matt.”

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

When she snapped out of her fantasy she ran from Jimmy and Leanna’s kitchen, tears flowing down her cheeks. She ran from their house towards her apartment as she tried to fight away the images of the night it had all came crashing down around her. As soon as she was in her apartment, as soon as the door clicked closed, she sank to the floor crying harder than she thought was possible. It was coming and she couldn’t stop it.

“Matt?” Abigail asked as she walked into his house five months later. She’d just spent the day with Leanna dress shopping. They hadn’t made a decision yet so they planned on reliving the process the following week. The living room of his house was empty but she could hear music coming from his bedroom upstairs.

As she walked further into the house she realized that it was the sound of an acoustic guitar and Matt’s voice. She called out his name again several times as she climbed the stairs. He saw his bedroom door open as he sang a song that she’d never heard before. “Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I’m not around.” She smiled to herself at the lyrics that were coming from his mouth before she reached his bedroom.

“What do you think?” He asked as she neared the door. She smiled and opened her mouth to answer before she heard another voice.

“I love it. Those are so insanely sweet Matt.” The voice was distinctly female and she knew exactly who it was. It was his ex-girlfriend, Jenna. She walked up to his bedroom door and saw him sitting on his bed, facing Jenna, who was sitting there facing him.

“How could you?” She asked simply as he turned to see her. Shock was written all over his face and Jenna’s. Her heart was starting to break as he stood up.

“Abigail its not what you think it is. I asked Jenna to listen to the song before I showed it to you. Its for you.” He walked closer to her even as she started backwards.

“Don’t you dare lie to me because you got caught! I told you that I was coming over this afternoon and you forgot! How long?” The tears were threatening to come now as she realized that he didn’t have a shirt on and the bed had been completely messed up.

“You don’t believe me?” Matt felt betrayed as he watched her shake her head no. “How can you not believe me Abigail! When have I ever lied to you? I haven’t! Now you walk in on something that is absolutely nothing and you freak out!”

“What the hell am I supposed to think Matt? You don’t have your shirt on and the bedding is completely screwed up! You are singing her a song that I’ve never heard! If you weren’t doing anything then why didn’t you tell me that she would be over! You should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t care.” Abigail was almost to the stairs now, Matt standing only a few feet in front of her.

“I think you just want an excuse to get out of the engagement. You could have just said no, you didn’t have to say yes.” He stepped back a little more as the hurt that she was feeling set in on him.

“How could think that? I love you Matt, I said yes because I wanted to marry you. The only reason that you would say that is because you want a way out. You didn’t have to ask me Matthew. But you did. You can stop lying about everything,” She lifted her left hand a removed the engagement ring from her finger, setting it on the banister post. “There you go, you don’t have to worry about me anymore.” The tears burst forth from her eyes as she turned and ran down the stairs and out of the house.

“Abigail!” Matt’s voice cracked as he called for her, just as he was about to take off after her he felt a hand grab his arm and another rub his back.

“Its too late. If she doesn’t trust you now it would never work. Its okay Matt, I’m here for you.” It was Jenna who had stopped him. Maybe it would just be best to let Abigail move on without him.

“She did trust me Jenna. What would you have thought if you were her and don’t say you would have been okay with it. Just leave.” Matt pulled free from her hands, grabbed Abigail’s engagement ring, and went into his bedroom. He closed the door behind him as he heard Jenna leaving.

He sat down on his bed and looked at the ring. “What did I do?”

When Abigail reached her apartment she went inside and threw herself onto her bed, sobbing her eyes out into her pillow. She knew that she would never be the same. She was left empty. She felt like nothing at all.

Nothing at all