A Way To Get Lost In You

Every street in this city
Is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be
But there's no room for me
Am I to blame?
When the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud,
That chases you down in the pouring rain.

Matt returned from his walk that night feeling much like he did every day. His missed Abigail more than he knew how to express and the worst part of it was he knew that it was his fault he’d lost her. He walked up the steps remembering that painful day, trying his best to block those memories.

In the two months that had gone by he’d spent more time alone than he had with his friends. They would come over every other day when he refused to go out and have any fun with them. He just didn’t feel like there was a place for him, he didn’t feel like he should be around his happy friends when he wasn’t.

It's so hard to find someone
Who cares about you,
But it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you

He was trying to finish the song he’d been working on when he phone rang. He looked at the screen and rolled his eyes when he saw it was Jenna's number. She’d barely left him alone lately, or at least that was how it felt to him. He was tired of her calling all the time, and he was tired of her brother’s comments in the background.

“Jenna I’m busy.” He answered just to stop the phone from ringing. There was a sigh on the other end as she thought of what to say. Matt considered hanging up before anything else could be said, but then she spoke.

“Matt you need to move on, you can’t live like this. I’ve said it a million times, if she trusted and cared about you then she wouldn’t have done that. Just let me come over so we can talk.”

“Just leave me alone alright? I’m busy and I don’t want to talk. And stop talking about her because you do not know her.” Matt closed his cell phone and put it on his nightstand. He looked at the picture of them that sat on his nightstand and sighed. “I’m so sorry Abby, I’m so sorry.”

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
“Stop looking like that and sit your ass down.” Jimmy ordered that night when Matt arrived at his best friend’s house. Jimmy saw how uneasy Matt was just being in their house, he saw how his friend just wanted to be alone.

“There I’m sitting down. Happy now Jimmy?” Matt sat down on the sofa and looked up at Jimmy just as Leanna entered the room. Leanna smiled sympathetically at Matt as she waited for Jimmy to get it all out before Zacky came over.

“No Matt I am not happy! Do you know why I’m not happy? Because you are being a dumbass! Why don’t you just talk to her man?” Matt looked back over at Jimmy as he spoke. Jimmy’s tone changing from slightly angry to worried.

“I hurt her enough that day Jimmy, I don’t need to hurt her even more.”

It's not what it seems
When you're not on the scene
There's a chill in the air
But there's people like me
That nobody sees so nobody cares

Matt felt so out of place as the other guys all sat in the living room. Their girls all with them, each of them happy. He not only felt out of place but he also needed to get out of there before he couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and glanced at everyone. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Once he left Jimmy and Leanna’s place he just drove. He knew where he was going and he knew that it didn’t have to be a 20 minute drive, but he wanted it to be. He drove past the apartment building slightly hopeful that he’d see her outside or through a window. But instead all he saw was light coming from the room that he knew was her living room.

His foot added more pressure to the gas pedal as he drove towards his house. Thoughts and memories were plaguing his mind as he drove away from the apartment complex and into the night. When he finally arrived at his own house he saw a car in the drive way alright, and he knew exactly who it was.

He had just opened his car door when Jimmy and Leanna came around to see him. Leanna hugged him and whispered “I’m sorry.” He didn’t bother to voice that the only person who needed to be sorry was him, he just didn’t want to talk.

“Man I pushed it back there, I’m just worried about you.” Jimmy patted him on the back as they walked towards the front door. Once inside the couple sat down and Matt plopped into the chair.

“Is she okay?” Matt watched their expressions change. In the beginning they’d kept him filled in until they saw that it messed with him even more, then they’d told him that they wouldn’t tell him anymore. Jimmy was about to open his mouth in protest before Matt cut him off. “Don’t start with that again. I need to know if she’s okay Jimmy, I have to know how she is. Don’t take that away from me too.”

“She misses you, she is still hurting. But she actually smiled for real today. Then she left our house in tears, telling me that the memories were too much from her when I called her an hour later.” Leanna told Matt everything, making him close his eyes and sigh.

“Thank you Leanna. I hate myself for this. What was I thinking when I said something like that? When I pulled my little stunt?” Matt threw his head back.

“You made a mistake, everyone does. We better get going. I’ll see you tomorrow at the barbeque man.” Jimmy stood up with Leanna just before they left. Matt’s lips pulled up a tiny bit at the though of the next day, he’d finally see her again.

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?

The light of his bedroom reflected off the ring around 11 that night. He was left unable to sleep as he tried to avoid thinking of the past, yet he’s somehow ended up looking at her ring. It was just getting harder and harder to block out remembering that past for him.

He grabbed his phone and scrolled down through the phone book, his finger hovering over the send button as Abigail’s number was highlighted. He was mentally having a battle with himself over what he should do.

Option one was that he could close his phone and forget about it. He could just wait until tomorrow, see her, and let her move one with her life. No matter how much that hurt him. He could just let himself fade from her memories until she found someone else.

Option two was he could call her and hope that she would pick up. Either they could talk or she would tell him that she never wanted to hear his voice again. In the worse case scenario at least he would have heard her voice one last time. He wished that if he did call there would be some way to work it out but he knew there wasn’t.

Maybe his fear of her saying that she never wanted to hear his voice again drove him to give up that night. Or maybe his doubt that he’d be able to handle talking to her only once more was the deal breaker. Either way he closed his phone and put it on the nightstand with the ring. He wouldn’t pick either option, instead he’d just figure it all out the following day.

I swear this time it won't turn out
The same 'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know where we'll end up
On the streets that is easy enough
To find someone who looks down on you

That night in the dark his memories were finally too much to fight back. “How long have you had this planned out?” Abigail asked later the night he’d proposed to her. He shrugged and pulled her closer into his side as they sat on the sofa in his living room.

“A while. I was going to throw you a surprise birthday party and ask you that night, but you threw me one this year so I figured it wouldn’t be a original if we had two in one year. I had a few other plans but this one just seemed right.” He felt her head find that spot on his shoulder that it always did and he smiled.

“Why did you take the time to plan it out?”

“It seemed like it was what I should do.” He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the sofa. Since he’d woke up that morning he’d felt anxious, he didn’t like not knowing what her answer would be. Now that he’d asked and had her answer he could relax again.

“You’re quiet now,” Abigail moved so that she was looking at him. “Is something wrong?” Matt looked up and grinned at her, his dimpled smile making her heart melt.

“Nothing is wrong. I just couldn’t relax today because I was anxious about how it would go tonight. I didn’t realize that I was being so quiet.” He gently pulled her back into his arms and she sighed contently.

“I was just making sure that you weren’t regretting asking me.” Matt reached over and turned off the lamp that was providing the lighting in the living room, leaving only the faint glow of colors coming from the T.V.

“I’d never regret asking you that Abby.” It wasn’t long after that when Matt felt the change in her breathing pattern and the feeling of her completely relaxed form. He knew that she had fallen asleep and smiled to himself.

Never before in his life had Matt felt this way about any girl, nor had he ever known a girl who felt the same way about him. He wasn’t complaining thought, in-fact he was doing the opposite. Abigail made him happy. It wasn’t a hard decision if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her or not. He knew that from the moment he fell in love with her until the minute that he died she would be the only woman that he’d want.

His cell phone started vibrating in his pocket and when he pulled it out he saw it was Jimmy. “Hey man.” When he answered it was in a whisper so that he wouldn’t wake Abigail up.

“Well? What did she say? Are you two actually going to get married? And why are you whispering?” Only Jimmy would pack every question into the very first part of the phone call. Before Matt could answer he heard Leanna in the back ground.

“So can I expect to be helping Abbs plan a wedding or not?” Matt chuckled at the pair and their sudden questions, but went still when he felt Abigail move around a little bit. As soon as he was sure that she wasn’t waking up he started to answer his friends.

“She said yes.” As soon as the answer left his lips he heard Leanna screaming in happiness. Jimmy laughed and took the phone off speaker.

“I told you that she would say yes.”

“Yeah I know you did Jimmy. I know you did.”

With a depressed sigh Matt rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. It hurt to think about those nights. It hurt just to think about the fact that he had lost her. In the beginning he had tried to not blame himself, he’d tried the whole “things happen for a reason” speech. But it didn’t work, he couldn’t help but blame himself. After all he knew that it really was his fault.

The truth was he wouldn’t ever be able to completely get over her. Maybe as time went on he could move on enough to were the pain wasn’t always there, maybe he could move on enough to forget the pain completely. But he knew that he would never be completely over her. After all, how could he get over losing the love of his life?

The answer was simply, he couldn’t. That wasn’t something that Matt could get over.

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When its easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you’ve come undone
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?

The memories of the night he’d destroyed it all were coming on, just another painful reminder. He knew that they would be much harder to think about than the good ones had been. It wasn’t bad enough that thinking of the good times hurt but he knew that thinking of that night would be unimaginable. Even knowing that he couldn’t stop them though.

It had been an hour since Abigail had left his house now and Matt still hadn’t moved. It had hit him so hard that he couldn’t think, he couldn’t see a point in moving to do anything. All he could do was sit there with his head hung and the ring in his hands. Even when his cell phone rang he wouldn’t answer it.

The second he saw that it wasn’t Abigail’s name on the screen he pressed ignore. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone; not Jimmy, not Zacky, not Brian or even Johnny. And he definitely didn’t want to hear Jenna’s voice. “How could I have been so stupid?” He asked himself finally.

After all what had he been thinking when he asked Jenna to come over? For about three minutes he wonder if he’d done it because subconsciously he wasn’t ready to get married. Maybe he had saw it as the easiest way out and then he wouldn’t have to say anything to Abigail. But he knew that wasn’t true. He didn’t have a reason other than he hadn’t thought. He’d acted without thinking about it first.

Soon enough it would be dark outside and the rest of the city would be asleep but he wouldn’t be. Matt knew that he wouldn’t be moving from that spot for hours, not until he figured out what he was going to do about everything. As much as he wanted to go and talk to Abigail, to sort things out, he wasn’t sure it was the best idea. He knew it would be beyond hard to get her to tell the truth with so much working against the truth.

In all his life he had never felt so helpless, so destroyed, so completely hurt and broken hearted. Never in a million years would he have ever guessed that he would experience a pain of this kind and intensity. But how could he have known? He had expected to be marrying Abigail instead of losing her.

The sun finally sat in Huntington Beach, leaving the people of the city either going out for a good time or coming home for the night. At last Matt found himself out of his bedroom and out of his house. He had guessed where Abigail would be so he headed there.

When he arrived at the beach he walked along until he spotted her. There she was sitting, alone and only feet away from the waves. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and he could tell that she was crying. As he walked closer her heard the light sobs as she hid her face.

Matt felt his eyes stinging and tears beginning to gather in them. She was hurting more than he had ever imagined and he had done it. Without going any closer to her, without saying a word, he turned and ran down the beach.

Once he returned home he promised himself one thing. He wouldn’t hurt her ever again. Never again would he make her cry because he had done something stupid without thinking about how it would affect her. Even if that meant that he would have to live without her for the rest of his life.

He wouldn’t hurt her ever again. Not matter what, he never would again.

Since that night he’d wished that he’d wake up one day and she’d call or come by to see him, but it hadn’t happened and he didn’t think it ever would. He knew how hard that it was to find someone to love and who loved you back. But he also knew that he loved her enough to let her go. He loved her enough to stay away so that he wouldn’t hurt her, so that she could move on. No matter how much it hurt him. So there he was left, knowing how hard it was to find her. That night before he fell asleep he felt the tears finally come.