A Way To Get Lost In You

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in Huntington Beach; the sun was shining brightly, illuminated the city without even a passing cloud to dim the light. It was sure to be a clear, beautiful, warm California day for the barbeque at Jimmy and Leanna’s, leaving almost all the attendants to be excited for it. Only two felt nervous about it.

Abigail awoke earlier than she had planned, or even hoped, so she decided to take a shower instead of laying in bed allowing her mind too much time to think. The steam stayed contained in the bathroom, remaining even after she was dressed. The mirror was too fogged up to allow a clear view of her reflection and she was thankful for that. In the past months she’d learned that mirrors were something to avoid before she was actually getting ready; they always showed the reactions she couldn’t hide with makeup, like the black circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep.

The scent of coffee filled her apartment as it brewed, leaving her to watch it. She tried to think of a way to distract her mind but it was useless and she knew it. There was nothing to do in the apartment that would occupy her mind, getting ready didn’t take much more concentration than watching the coffee anymore; that is what she happened when you were left broken she had concluded weeks ago.

She was completely ready two hours before she was had planned to leave, left with nothing to really do. There was a mixture of feelings in the pit of her stomach; a mix of excitement, nervousness, anticipation, and maybe a slight ting of nausea. It was the first time that she would face Matt since the day of their end and the thought left her unsure of if she could handle it well. Either way she had to see him again, she had to allow herself that much.

Matt was awake and ready earlier than planned as well. Not wanting to give his mind time to wander he headed for Zacky’s house. “You’re here early.” Zacky commented when he opened the door.

“I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.” Matt admitted, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. He was going to be seeing her again in a matter of hours now. Zacky nodded understandingly and moved aside, an unspoken invitation for Matt to come inside.

Matt sat down on the sofa and looked at the T.V. not really paying attention to what was on. “Are you actually ready to see her?” Zacky asked taking a seat too. Matt had expected the question but he was unsure of the answer.

“I really don’t know. I know that I have to see her again but I’m afraid that it will just make everything worse. I just miss her.” Matt looked down from the TV and away from Zacky, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

Zacky sensed his friend’s unease and decided that it would be better to let it go, at least for now. Everyone had worried that the two seeing each other would only cause more damage. But they also knew they had to see one another.

I always knew that you’d come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn’t be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends

“Abigail you don’t have to stay if its going to be hard for you to be around Matt.” Leanna reminded her for the tenth time later that day. Everyone else had already arrived for the barbeque except for Matt, who was sure to arrive at any moment.

“Leanna we’ve been over this. I will be fine. Besides I’m going to have to see him someday.” Abigail placed a hand on each of Leanna’s shoulders as she reassured her friend that it would be fine. She saw no need to include how much she need to see Matt again, she knew that she’d pay for it later but right now she just had to see him.

“Okay only if you are sure. If it gets to be too much then just leave though alright? Promise me that you won’t do anything that is going to hurt you.” The look of worry on Leanna’s face almost made Abigail spill her badly hidden secrets of her present pain. Deep down she knew that she’d never be the same, she was constantly hurting and missing him so if seeing him gave her a moment of relief she was willing to pay for it later. But she didn’t see any need to inform Leanna of it.

“I promise that I will be fine. Now stop worrying about me,” Abigail glanced over at Jimmy, who was watching the two from across the backyard. “Now Jimmy is watching us so you better go back to him. I’m fine, really.” Abigail gave Leanna a push towards Jimmy, sighing in relief when she walked away.

Just as she settled back into a lawn chair to relax the sounds of yelled greetings erupted; Matt was there. Instead of looking at him right away she looked down at her cell phone, pretending that she was interested in something the on the screen. She would wait until everyone was done talking to him before she got a good look.

When Matt walked into the back yard the guys all called the usual greetings to him before they included him into the conversation. Trying to pay attention and cast an unnoticed look around the yard was impossible. The guys were all paying attention to him so he’d have to wait until they were completely preoccupied to find her.

You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when you said “I’m nothing without you”
I’m nothing without you

It was after everyone had their food when Matt was released from the conversation, allowing Abigail to look for him. He was sitting by Zacky and looking down at his food. She could tell no differences in appearance except his hair had grown back from being shaved not long before. As much as she wanted to see his face the second that he began to look up she looked down, not ready to make eye contact.

Matt looked up from his food and towards the other end of the yard. She was sitting there, alone. His heart sank as he watched her look down. He wondered why she was sitting alone instead of with Leanna, it was unusual for those two to be spilt up. Without thinking he stood up and took a step towards her, ignoring the guys when they asked what he was going.

“Mind if I sit here?” Abigail’s heart skipped a beat when she heard the voice that she had been longing to hear again. She looked up and met his hazel eyes, which were filled with sorrow, much like her own.

“Umm no I don’t care.” She forced out her response after she took a few seconds to clear her mind enough to form a coherent response. Without another word Matt sat down in the chair next to her. There were so many things she wanted to say, so many questions, so many things to yell, but mostly she just wanted to go back to how it was before.

“So how are you?” Matt finally asked breaking the silence. With that one simple question all of the things that Abigail wanted to say were gone, except for what she wanted to yell. Never in a million years had she imagined that she’d be this angry when she saw him, but now she was.

“Other than living in hell for the past two months, feeling like I’m not good enough, knowing that I’m a nothing I’ve been wonderful. Thanks for asking.” She spat at him, not caring if her words hurt him anymore. Now she wanted him to feel what she lived with everyday, unknowing that he already did.

“So you think that you are the only one living hell now huh? You think that you are the only one who feels like nothing?” The chuckle in his voice was emotionless, cold even. “I screwed up Abigail alright? I know that! But you aren’t the only one who is suffering!”

“Really Matt? So you had to walk in on your fiancée with their ex too huh? To find out that everything you believed in and loved was nothing but a lie?” Abigail sat her plate on the outdoor table next to her chair and stood up, her arms folding over her chest.

“You don’t even know what happened! I invited Jenna over to show her that song because I wanted someone else’s opinion before I played it for you! I’m so sorry that I wanted to make sure that it was perfect before I played it for you! I just didn’t think!”

“Stop lying Matt.” Abigail walked into the house as a silence fell over everyone.

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside
Let me get close to you
Change your mind
I’ll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

“How can you even say that I’m lying Abigail?” The two were now standing in the living room of Jimmy and Leanna’s house, continuing their fight.

“Abigail maybe you should come back outside with Leanna.” Jimmy suggested as he and Leanna walked into the room. Leanna stepped closer to Abigail and placed a hand on her best friend’s shoulder.

“Come on Abby, you don’t need this.” Abigail didn’t bother speaking, instead she just shook her head no. Even though she was pissed at Matt the thought of leaving the room, being away from him, made her heart freeze in pain. She could have sworn that there was a look of sadness at the thought in Matt’s eyes.

“No Jimmy I can take it. If Abby has something to tell me then let her.” Abigail was the first to detect the softer edge in Matt’s tone before he even called her Abby. Jimmy and Leanna looked at each other, exchanging a silent message of agreement to leave.

“Just say it, don’t hold anything back.” Matt took a deep breath and looked back at Abigail the minute Leanna and Jimmy left. The anger was hard for Matt to maintain when he was standing in a room alone with her.

“What is there to say Matt? I allowed myself to love you completely, to love you in a way that I didn’t even think I would ever be capable of, and you took a knife and shoved it straight into my heart. Can you blame me that now I just don’t want the lies?”

“I’m not lying about anything! I loved you more than I could figure out the words to cover it! How could you even think I’m lying about anything?” Matt stared at her in disbelief, not completely believing that she thought he was lying.

“You honestly expect me to believe that Matt? Really?” Abigail could feel the mixture of emotions threatening to spill out, which was the last thing she wanted. Then again fighting with Matt on the day that could be the last day she’d see him wasn’t the day she wanted to have this fight either. “Well what else am I supposed to do? I can’t believe you because you’ve already proven that you don’t mean it.” Abigail could feel the water gathering in her eyes but she promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of him.

You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn’t know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn’t be so bad
But pulling back it took everything

“You know what Abigail I’m sorry! I’m sorry that I screwed up, I’m sorry that you can’t believe I didn’t do anything to hurt you, and I’m sorry that I even tried.” Feeling worse than he had before Matt turned and walked out of the living room, heading back into the back yard. The minute Leanna saw him she ran inside the house.

“What happened man?” Jimmy asked. Matt looked up at his best friend and sighed; he felt like a complete asshole. He’d said that he wouldn’t hurt her again but he was sure that he already had.

“I think I screwed up again.” His placed his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands, regretting leaving things with her the way he had.

Inside the house Leanna was trying to get Abigail to show some sort of emotions, and was so far failing. “I’m fine. I’m just gonna go ahead and leave though.” Abigail took a step back from standing so close to one of the people who would worry about her. She knew that she should feel some sort of emotion but she didn’t, she was only numb.

“Are you sure that you are alright? I’m really worried about you,” Leanna tried to move closer to her best friend but Abigail just stepped away again. “Alright well call me tonight or tomorrow.” She watched as Abigail walked out the door before she returned to the back yard.

“Did she leave?” Jimmy asked when she walked up. Matt had his head in his hands and didn’t even bother looking up. He just wanted to find a rewind button so he could go back and make things right.

“Yeah. Matt you are being an asshole! That was your last chance to make up with her and you blew it!” Leanna’s voice made everyone in the yard do silent again and Matt’s head come up so that he was looking at her.

“Yeah Leanna I know. You don’t have to remind me.”

You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when you said “I’m nothing without you”
I’m nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside
I see it all in you
Now everyday I find myself saying
“I want to get lost in you”
I’m nothing without you

In you
The pain of it all, the rise and the fall
I see it all in you
Now everyday I find myself saying
“I want to get lost in you”
I’m nothing without you

Abigail had went from numb to more heartbroken than she believed was possible and then back to numb. Now she sat in her living room stuck between completely devastated and totally numb. It was already dark outside and she hadn’t moved since returning home.

Matt was also sitting in his living room, many different thoughts conflicting him. There was so many different things he’d thought about doing, so many different ways to try and make things right. Finally he’d come to the point where he had to do something, he couldn’t just keep staying stuck.

Another hour passed and Abigail still hadn’t moved. Actually she didn’t have any plans of moving any time soon. That is until there was a knock at the door. For a moment she debated not answering it, but quickly changed her mind. Opening the door she felt her heart skip a few beats. “Matt?”

“Abigail I can’t take it anymore! You can ask Zacky, he was there, I just asked Jenna over to make sure that the song was good. I never meant to make it break us up. I didn’t mean a word that I said that day or today. I’m so sorry Abby I know that ruined everything but I’m asking, no begging for you to forgiv-” Abigail placed a finger up against his lips, her mind made up. She saw the look in his eyes and knew in her heart that he was telling the truth.

“Just answer one thing Matt; do you still love me?” She moved her finger and waited for his answer.

“I’ll always love you.” Matt looked at her hopefully, wishing with everything he had that this would be it. He watched as her eyes softened towards him slightly and she took a step back in an unspoken invitation inside, gently pulling his hand towards her to clarify he was right.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside
Let me get close to you
Change your mind
I’ll get lost if you want me too
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

One week had passed and everything had fallen back into place for Abigail and Matt. Now that they were back together they felt complete again, happy instead of heartbroken. Even though almost everything had been worked out there was still one question that Abigail wanted to ask him.

“What is wrong Abby?” Matt asked the night exactly one week after he’d went to her apartment. They’d just gotten back to Matt’s house from going out to dinner with Jimmy and Leanna. He gently pulled her closer into his side, cherishing the feeling of having her cuddled against his side with one arm wrapped around his chest, her head on his shoulder, and his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

“Oh nothing. Why do you ask?” She tried to focus on the TV, unsure if this would be the right moment to ask the last question she needed an answer to. Knowing that she was lying about there being nothing wrong Matt moved her so that she was sitting on his lap, facing him.

“I know you better than that. What’s going on?” He took both her hands in his, feeling the slight chill from the engagement ring which was returned to her finger. He watched as the look in her eyes grew; the look of being torn. After several minutes of silence she let out a sigh.

“I need to ask you one more thing, I’m just not sure how you’ll take it.” Her voice was low as she spoke. His expression changed to curiosity the second she finished her explanation. He thought about it for a moment, trying to think of anything that they hadn’t already covered and came up blank.

“I’m not going to have any sort of negative reaction if that’s what you mean. Just ask me Abby.” He watched as she squeezed her eyes shut, know that it was time to ask.

“Why did it take you so long to come and talk to me Matt? Why didn’t you even try and come after me that night? I thought about trying to talk it out with you but I wasn’t able to think of what I would say.”

“That night I did come after you,” He watched the confusion deepen in her eyes as he spoke. “I went to the beach and saw you crying. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already had so I just stayed away; I swore to myself that I wouldn’t put you through anything else. Now I realize that I should’ve talked to you that night.”

“I thought that you didn’t come because you didn’t love me anymore.” She looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes.

“Abigail you are my everything. You are my other half and I will always love you, no matter what.”

“I love you Matt.” He smiled when he heard her whisper. She felt his finger gently urging her face up. When she looked up his lips met hers and they both knew this was how they were meant to be. Together.

A way to get lost in you