Days Like Masquerades

I can't stay mad at you… But I can get mad at you. And it scares me because I'm afraid it will happen more often than not. You said, "Pick those brains up, ants will crawl all over them." But I wanted the grey matter to stay scattered. Let those bugs devour, I was sick of who I had become.

You said, "Why are you so permeable? You let everything fly straight through you and it doesn't bother you. Why can't you just be normal?" But I didn't want to be normal, I wanted to be me. So what if I wasn't overprotective, is that what you wanted? You should have told me.

You said, "Baby, you just don't belong here. You don't fit in my heart, I don't think you ever did." But I thought I belonged. Was I the outcast all along?

I said, "Hey you, this is me." But you just stared. Maybe you forgot how to talk, how to breathe? I don't remember why but when I smiled, you left and tears sprang up in my eyes.

I can't stay mad at you, but you can stay mad at me. When I do get mad at you, it happens more often than not. Maybe we're just the same kind of magnetic charge. We don't match no matter how many times they try to stick us together. We push away from each other by force, not on purpose. Only opposites should attract, we shouldn't have tried to wreck that for our own selfish spark. Love can't come from sparks, it has to start with flames.

Wound and tied, we were oddly tangled in each other. Like hopes and dreams that fall from the sky, we were lost in a rainbow the sun had blinded us with. And then she walked away, pulling away her multi-colored blanket from our eyes so we would plummet to the ground and shatter on impact. She destroyed us, that bitter sun. I suppose it wasn't her fault. I should have seen it coming but the fading colors did not register in my mind. Stars rest in the places we once were. They are the holes in the sky we created for others like ourselves to creep out. I guess it's our fault so many have failed.

You said, "Maybe we should take a break from this reality." But I didn't want a break, I wanted to hold you forever; eternally.

You said, "I want to strip off this mask, I'm done lying to you." But I didn't understand. How were you lying to me, what did you do?

I said, "You're becoming everything you promised you'd never be. Just take a breath, stay with me." But you sighed and looked to your feet, scuffing the floor with their black soles as you moved them back and forth.

And then you said, "I don't want to be with you anymore, this isn't what I need." But I started crying, almost violently, and you immediately leapt to your feet. You put your arms around my shoulders and I pushed you away from me. It was just the push you hoped for that would make it okay to leave.

You said, "Maybe some other day, when those holes in the sky collide and we're watching the same night sky it will be okay for us to be with each other again."

But I said, "From this moment on, to me you are dead."

And I meant it with everything I had inside of me. You walked out and I listened as you drove off, your foot obviously pushing hard on the gas pedal. The smell of burnt rubber remained in my nose all day.

I gathered a small group of friends and they said all very similarly, "He could come back, he could still love you." But I knew I had to give you up, I had to begin with someone new.

Eventually I got over you and found that being alone wasn't so bad. I found that if I kept myself in focus during my life, I could be significantly happy. I knew that there was someone else in your life, too. She had a name though, she had a face. My everything became invisible, and you were good enough to find a reality. Oh, I was jealous of you. You were perfect and she was perfect with you. Two paper dolls whose hands crossed together in a perfect straight line. My hands were bent from attempting to fit into your slots.
I knew I'd never be yours again. Even when I watched the sky and saw the stars collide, I knew you'd never be mine. So I tried to demolish the memories of you that flooded my head. Every day I tore apart my mental pictures and bled the fire that burned them up. Somehow the ashes managed to collect and repaint the colors. They were distorted and rippled, but they were there.

And even now you're still always on my mind.

You're always on my mind.