Could Tell a Love 2

I collapsed on the floor in a wreck of heartbreak and salty tears. I felt like dying. All the strength in my body escaped in my sobs and the happiness of everything that happened yesterday was gone. Sadness and longing replaced all my other emotions. I wanted to break everything in this damned house, but I couldn’t bring myself to get off the floor. I just laid there, motionless, crying the most tears I’ve ever cried in my life.

Jared was gone. He wasn’t coming back. Why was I such a dumbass?

My phone rang in the other room, but I could care less. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to lay here and decay in my own stupidity.

How could I have sacrificed our relationship like that? That one line ruined it all. I know it. I should’ve known it would end like this. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him. I thought about grabbing every pill in this house and mixing it with the last of the vodka I had in my fridge, but even that wouldn’t cheer me up. I’d die a depressed, selfish, immature son of a bitch.

I pictured the razor in my medicine cabinet, sitting in that plastic green basket, then forgot about it. Cutting myself was another immature selfish thing to do. I won’t hurt myself over him. I’m not even sure why I’m crying for him. He left me. It’s his fault. He should be crying.

The house felt so much colder without him, so much bigger and scarier. I was all alone. That realization made me cry harder. I curled up into a ball. There was no one to comfort me and tell me it’s okay. No one to hug me and kiss me to make me feel better. I closed my eyes, squeezing more tears out, and cried myself back to sleep with the letter in my arms, hugging it to my chest. This was the last memory I will have of Jared. It needs to be cherished, whether it be for better or for worse.

Someone was shaking my shoulder and yelling at me.

"Beau! Wake up!" Matt’s voice rang clear.

I kept my eyes closed, trying to fall back asleep. I really didn’t want to see anyone right now, moreover talk to anyone.

"Beau, sit up, you’re a mess! We’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the last 3 hours!" I heard Eric say, trying to get me to sit up.

I resisted and stayed curled up, still giving them the silent treatment.

"Beau, stop it with these 5 year old games. Sit the fuck up." Eric said more sternly. "Or we’ll make you."

I still said nothing, not really caring what they did to me. They could kill me for all I cared. Anything was better than this.

I felt myself getting lifted off the floor. This came as a surprise, which made me open my eyes. Eric, Matt, and Mike were all carrying me onto the couch, Miranda following close behind. They dropped me onto the couch and made me sit up. I was still hunched over, my hair covering my face, well, whatever wasn’t plastered to my face by tears, and I didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I didn’t want them to see me, not like this. I felt 4 pairs of eyes staring me down, waiting for me to say something.

I felt pressure on each side of me.

"Beau. We know this is hard. We understand that. I understand that. But, Beau," Eric said quietly, sympathetically, "Jared’s not coming back. He’s been planning on leaving for a few weeks now. He didn’t want to tell you because he didn’t want to hurt you."

I was still silent, tears forming in my eyes again.

"There are others out there, Beau. You’re life will not end because you don’t have Jared in it." Eric said again.

"Shut. The fuck. Up. I don’t want any sympathy. No amount of ‘it’s okay’ and ‘there are other people out there other than Jared’ will ever make me feel better. And you can’t even fucking talk, Eric. You have no idea what it feels to have your heart broken, you fucking ho." I spat at him, looking at him coldly.

Everyone was eerily silent after my outburst, probably afraid to talk, in fear of what I might do next. I looked at the floor again, letter still in hand. Anger filled me more so than sadness now. I shot up off the couch, fuming. "And why the hell didn’t you guys tell me he was gonna leave?! Did you think it would be better for me? Did you think that it would be easier to have him suddenly take off and leave behind nothing but a fucking letter? Hmm? Did you? And just replacing him like that..." I sighed sharply, feeling my face get red hot with anger. "I can’t fucking believe you guys." I threw the letter on the floor and stormed off to my room, grabbing my suitcase, throwing clothes into it.

"What the hell are you doing, Beau?" Miranda asked, standing in the doorway.

"What the hell does it look like I’m doing, Miranda. I’m going to find Jared." I said, zippering my suitcase closed.

"Don’t do that. You have no idea where he went." She said.

"I have an idea." I lied. I had no clue where he went, but I was willing to go through hell and high water to find him. I walked to the doorway, Miranda blocking it. "Get out of my way, Miranda."

"No. I’m not letting you leave. You have to chill the hell out before you do anything." Miranda said, staying put.

"If you know what’s good for you, you should—"

"Oh give me a fucking break. Don’t threaten me with that shit. I know you wouldn’t do that."

I sighed, letting my guard down for a second. A second too long. I dropped my suitcase and hugged Miranda tightly, letting everything out. The tears, the sadness, the rage, everything. She led me back out by everyone else and sat me down on the couch again. Once I was able to talk, they started questioning me.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked, completely serious. That was scary for Matt.

"No, not really." I said honestly. "Do you guys know where he went?" I asked desperately.

"He said we couldn’t tell you." Mike said quietly.

I sighed and planted my face in my hands. "Why would he do this to me? Completely break off from my life like this? He even disconnected his fucking phone so I wouldn’t call him." I looked up again, staring at the wall. "I hope he’s hurting as much as I am."

"And he probably is." Miranda said.

"Or he got over me already. That’s what he told me to do. Get over him. Find someone else." I said, getting slightly bitter.

"That’s a load of shit." Mike said.

I looked at him. "Why would it be a load of shit?"

"He’s been hurting over his decision ever since he made it. He didn’t wanna leave you. He wasn’t planning on it, either, until you guys had that huge fight."

"And that’s why I need to find him. I need to tell him that I still wanna be with him, even if he isn’t in the band. It’s all my fucking fault I feel like this, that I made him do this. I feel like an idiot.." I explained.

"You are an idiot. And that’s why you need to stay away from him, at least for a little while." Matt said.

"Do you guys want me to kill myself?" I asked desperately, that thought crossing my mind multiple times this morning.

"Oh my fucking god." Eric said, sounding extremely annoyed. "Are you serious? You would kill yourself for him? You would take your own life for someone that left you? More importantly, how would he feel that you killed yourself over him? He’d probably be devastated. Would you want him to feel depressed and lonely for the rest of his life?" He questioned.

"No, obviously not—"

"Then get all those suicidal thoughts out of that messed up head of yours and try to make the best out of this. Who knows, maybe he’ll come back." Eric said, knocking me upside the head.

I smiled and hit him in the arm. Smiling felt so weird. It felt like it’s been days instead of hours since I smiled.

"There you go. You’re already getting the hang of it." Eric said, smiling back at me, sounding more sweet and considerate now.

"Thanks, guys. I just felt so alone after I read his letter, like no one would be there." I said quietly, feeling embarrassed admitting that.

"Beau, I wonder about you sometimes. You know we’re always here for you. No matter what. Especially during times like these. We know how much Jared meant to you, and we understand it’s gonna be hard, but we’re gonna help you through it. Trust me." Miranda said, throwing her arm around my shoulder.

I smiled again, looking at the table in front of me. "Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it."

　

Two Months Later...

The guys think I’m fine. Everyone thinks it’s fine and dandy with me.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

The first couple weeks went alright, lots of breaking down, but they helped me through it.

Then everything started going downhill. I started getting super depressed. I needed him back. The idea of ending my life sounded more and more appealing each day that passed without him. That razor in that basket met my skin more than a few times. I know I said that I wouldn’t hurt myself over him, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to get those emotions out somehow. No one knew about what I did. I usually did it on my upper arms, sometimes on my legs, so I could conceal them easier. I haven’t done it for about a week and a half, and all the recent ones are almost gone. I didn’t want Jared to know what I’ve done.

I zipped the same suitcase I packed the day Jared left me. Except no one would know about this. No one except Miranda. I was kidnaping her and making her tell me where he is. He might be down the road for all I know. I slammed my door and locked it, going out to my car and stuffing the suitcase in my trunk. I didn’t know how long I’d be gone.

I drove quickly to Miranda’s apartment and knocked furiously.

She answered the door and I barged in, going straight to her room, finding a big tote bag and stuffing random articles of clothing, a brush, and whatever else I thought she needed in it. All this time she’s yelling at me to stop and tell her what’s going on. I say nothing and carry the tote bag out of the house, grabbing her arm and pulling her out with me.

"Beau! Let go of me! What the hell are you doing!?" She yelled.

I threw her bag in the trunk with mine. "Get in the car, Miranda. Please." I said.

She obeyed, although she was flustered and confused.

Once we were driving to god knows where, I said, "You need to tell me where Jared went."

She sighed. "I thought you were over him? It’s been two months."

"Far from it. Come on, Miranda. It’s tearing me apart. I need to see him, even if I don’t get back together with him, I just need to know he’s okay." I pleaded.

"It’s a far drive. About 5 hours." Miranda said.

"That’s why I brought enough money for motel rooms." I said. "Now tell me where to go so we don’t get lost."

Miranda didn’t say anything for a little while, until she told me to take a right onto the highway.

A good portion of the car ride was spent in silence. She was probably pissed at me for kidnaping her. Eric was gonna be pissed at me for kidnaping her.

As if Miranda read my thoughts, she said, "You know Eric’s gonna be so pissed at you when we get back."

"Yeah, I know, and I think I can handle it." I said.

More silence.

"You know he doesn’t stop talking about you." Miranda said, sounding like she admitted the biggest secret in the world.

"Who? Eric?" I asked.

"No, Matt." She said sarcastically. "Yes, Eric. I think he wants to be with you again."

"That’s not gonna happen." I said, laughing nervously. I knew he still had feelings for me, that was old news.

"I know. I just thought I’d let you know." She said, looking out the window.

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" I asked, turning into the parking lot of a gas station right off the highway.

"Well, if you’re stopping I guess I could get something." She said, getting out of the car. She went to the fridge and grabbed two amps, one red, one blue. I grabbed three bags of Combos and two sodas. After I paid for our purchase we were back on the road. We’d already been driving for almost two hours, even though it’d felt like forever.

"Please stop grudging against me for taking you with me to find Jared." I said pleadingly.

She sighed and looked at the floor, arms crossed over her chest.

"You have no idea how much I need to do this. It hurts so bad not to see him everyday." I explained.

"Which is why I’m helping you." She said, looking at me. She looked like she actually felt sorry for me. "I wanted to tell you what Jared was planning to do, but everyone else wanted to keep it hush hush. I thought it was wrong. And the way you’re always moping around now...you’re just not Beau." She looked at me and her eyes got wider. "Beau! What the hell is this?" She pulled up my shirt sleeve and revealed my scars, some more recent than others.

I knew I should’ve worn a sweatshirt. I said nothing and kept driving, feeling ashamed.

"Beau, pull over. Now. You have some serious explaining to do." She said, scary serious.

I thought about not listening to her, but she would probably hit me if I didn’t listen. I pulled into another gas station and turned the car off and sat there, silent, staring straight ahead. I felt Miranda’s eyes bearing into me, and I couldn’t stand it.

"Well? Why? Why would you do this?"

I was still silent, crossing my arms.

"It’s Jared, I know it is. Why would you do this over him? Cutting yourself isn’t gonna make him come back, Beau! What do you think he’ll say when he sees these?!" She yelled. "Anywhere else?"

I looked down at my legs.

"Oh, Beau." She said softly. "Please tell me why you did this. Why would you hurt yourself over Jared?"

I just shrugged, not wanting to talk about it. "Just did, I guess." I said, almost too quiet for anyone to hear. "Have you ever been so in love with someone that you’d die for them? That’s how I felt with Jared. And after he left, I had so many thoughts of suicide going through my mind, and if you guys wouldn’t have come and talked me out of it, I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now. I just think of this as an alternative."

"Beau, you’re a retard." She said, sounding a little too harsh. "Just drive. I don’t wanna be out driving all night."

I obeyed silently, starting the car and reversing it, going back onto the highway.

"You shouldn’t think of cutting or hurting yourself in general as an alternative. You shouldn’t even think about cutting yourself in general. There are plenty of other ways to get through these kinds of things. And you shouldn’t be hurting yourself over him. If anything, he should be hurting himself over losing you."

"You know how horrible that would make me feel?" I protested.

"Exactly. Now you know where Jared’s gonna be coming from when he sees all those scars."