Something Beautiful

Do you remember all those times that I told you that I wanted to write something beautiful? Something that could shatter hearts and make eyes leak? I've never had the rhyme or reason to do something like that before, but now that I've found the perfect idea or reason... I can't bring myself to touch the pencil to the paper without heaving a sigh and trying to push back the feeling of wanting to throw it across the room and into that damn wall. The notebooks too. I've broken so many pencils due to that feeling and unfortunately papers litter my floor. I never knew I could throw so hard, I guess. I think what I'm getting at is that I kind-of-sort-of really hate you for making me feel like I'm going to explode. All these damn emotions are going to make me implode, I swear it. One of these days when I spontaneously combust, you can look back to this and know that all of it was your fault. It's a soothing thought. Trust me, I know. I hope guilt overtakes you so that you can hardly drag yourself out of bed in the morning in order to get back to that pathetic life we all know gave so much up for. I hope that you'll never be able to look into my parents' eyes again... whether it's to say 'I'm sorry' or just passing on a street. But we all know that'll never happen. My spontaneous combustion, that is. My fingers are freezing and my teeth are chattering and making the most annoying noise from clacking together so much. Guess where I am. You always seem to know how to find me when I don't need or want to be found. You also seem to have a knack of staying away from me when I do want to be found or desperately want someone's shoulder to cry on. I guess it's a good thing that I hope you don't find me... for your own good. I never trusted anyone else so much, just so you know. Remember that; cherish that. My nose is running as are my eyes in a way and I'm wishing this will evoke at least half as much emotion in you as it's causing in me. My brain's wreaking havoc and sending me these warning signals. It doesn't know that I already knew that my world was crashing down around me. It always seems to be that way. My mind's always a step or so behind everything else. My heart warned me days ago that everything I'd cautiously built up would fall. At this moment. I'm trying my best to make you see exactly what's going on inside of me. How I'm reacting beneath the surface, because there's this war waging inside of me. There's this hole where my heart used to be and my head hurts as it tries to catch up. And I hope this last image is burnt into your mind. I set it up perfectly. I meticulously made sure to set up pointers, signals as to where you'd need to be. I'd tediously found the quickest and easiest way (for me) to do this. I'd found my answer.

Loved you forever,
Anberlin

I hope you keep this letter, because these words still remain unspoken. No more words will pass these lips. No more words will flow from these freezing fingertips. 'Rest in Pieces' Write that on my grave.