I Think I May Be Sorry

I walked into the large cafeteria, and my heart skipped a beat. A cacophony of laughter and squeals echoed around me and off the white brick walls, causing my head to spin and my stomach to wrench violently. My step faltered, but I kept walking towards the line, by sheer memory of this casual routine.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been in the cafeteria. I normally spent my twenty-five minute lunch break in the library, hiding among the aisles of books and magazines, or in the art room, sketching random pictures or looking at other people’s art.

My hands shook as I scooped a glob of mashed potatoes on my tray. I moved quietly through the line, avoiding eye contact with the lunch ladies. I got to the cashier, and typed my number into the keypad, and then froze when I turned to the roomful of students. Who I wanted to sit with was obvious, but as to who I was actually going to sit with was a lingering question. I scanned the room, and I saw an empty table by the windows. I hurried over, and sat my tray down. I turned my ipod on, and ate silently.

This was such a stupid idea. I felt eyes burning holes through my back, but I kept my head down and prayed for the twenty five minutes to be over. I wondered what people thought of the little loner girl, making an appearance in the cafeteria. No doubt I’d get countless jokes made, and all because some inane idea that something would actually happen. Shows what I know.

The bench I was sitting on shifted, the weight of someone else causing it to do so. I kept my eyes glued to my tray. Someone pulled an earbud out of my ear.

“Raina,” Matt’s gentle voice said.

I turned to look at him. His hazel eyes bored into mine, a question glowing in them. His eyes had always been like a window. You could read him by just one glance into them. But they worked both ways- He was a master at reading what was on a person’s mind.

“Come sit with us,” he smiled, and nodded his head towards a round table with four guys. Those four guys that had been my best friends. Those four guys, plus Matt, were my past.

And I never thought I would make them my future.

I looked back at Matt, and shook my head no. He sighed, his eyes searching mine. I tried to make a blank face, to block all emotions from his acknowledgment, but I couldn’t do it. He saw the fear, and he saw the pain that were battling for dominance on my face. He put his arms around me, and hugged me to his chest. “We miss you, Rai.” He let go of me and smiled, hoping that the use of my old nickname would soften me up. I frowned, and stood up, grabbing my stuff. Matt let out a small squeal, and led me over to the round table.

All the guys looked at Matt, and then they shifted their eyes to me. The looks on their faces showed a mix of surprise and confusion. I sat my tray on the table, and my bag on the floor. Before I could sit down, Jimmy had jumped up and walked over to me, bouncing up and down. I looked at him, and cocked my head. He smiled at me, and opened his arms. I rolled my eyes, and hugged him. He squeezed me, causing me to groan.

“Jimmy,” I laughed. “Kinda’ can’t breathe here.”

“Oh! Sorry.” He loosened his grip, but left his arms around me, while still bouncing up and down. I giggled, and pulled away, smiling. Jimmy could always make me laugh, even when
I didn’t want too.

He sat back down, and right on cue, Johnny popped up, and shuffled over to me. I looked straight at him, and tried to hold back a giggle. He wrapped his arms around me, and I hugged him back, laughing.

He pulled away, and looked at my face. “What?”

“You’re finally taller than me. Way to go, Johnny.” I laughed, and the guys joined in, Matt’s loud laughing booming through the room.

Brian walked up behind Johnny, and pulled him away. “It’s my turn, pipsqueak. You may be taller than her, but I’m taller than you. So go sit back down.” Johnny frowned, and Brian laughed, and hugged me.

“I’ve missed you Raina,” he said quietly, where only I could hear. He gave me a gentle squeeze, and sat back down, giving Zacky the opportunity to hug me. Zacky just sat in his seat, looking the opposite way. Matt slapped his shoulder, and Zacky jumped.

“What, Matt?” Matt just stared at Zacky, and motioned to me. Zacky sighed, and stood up. “I have to hug her?” Matt stood up, and looked down at Zacky, giving him the look I had always called Matt’s Knife Stare.

“Just kidding, man. Geeze, take a joke for once!” Zacky yelled at him as he ran over to me, and threw his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into him. I laughed, and squeezed him back. Zacky had always been the one I always got advice from out of the five, and he knew the most about me. In a way, he was my best friend.

I pulled away, and punched his shoulder.

“Are you back for good?” Jimmy asked, hopeful.

I sighed, and looked at Matt for confirmation. “It’s your choice, not mine.” He smiled at me.
I looked at every guy, individually. I looked back at Matt, my heart racing. I bit my lip, and nodded.