This Love I'll Remember

I thought I was cool
But I just looked a fool for so long

Are you kidding me? I was with Nick freaking Jonas. Girls wished they had him, dating him. And there he was, being my boyfriend.

It was so unbelievable that I ignored all the bad. Like how I never saw him, or how much we argued. Even the fact that people told me he was dating someone else. Nope, I just kept just knowing [/I ] I was lucky.

Yeah…lucky. Only on the outside. Now where does that get me? Attention. So much for that when you’re lying in bed by yourself because your amazing boyfriend his a thousand miles away doing a sold out show. Living the life I bet.

Now you’re gone

I miss him. I really do, now that it’s over. Now that he doesn’t call or text to say he misses me, or for any reason. I can only hope that one day ‘Tonight I Love You’ will play from my phone and I’ll hear him speaking to me.

So I’m alone. I still function like someone who’s normal. Eat, sleep, pee, work. Watch sad movies when I think of him. Cry when I can’t stand it. And then I think:

I’d give anything just to argue with you. To see you, talking to me. Hell if you screamed in my face I’d be happy. Why? Because you spoke.

I recall all the fights

“You don’t get it, Madeline. The problem is that I needed you. I wanted you to be there for my big night and you weren’t. You bailed on me, Maddie.” He seethed.

“What do you want from me, Nick? Huh?! I can’t jump through hoops to get to you every time. Sometimes things just aren’t possible. My life exists too.”

“So being there for your boyfriend when he needs you doesn’t fit into your life? Because before this life you have started, I was there with you. Does that mean I don’t matter?” He asked, staring at me harshly. I had eyes hazed over with tears as I stood across from him in the bedroom. Only the lamp on the nightstand was on as we argued.

“You’re everything that matters.” I whispered. “Before you meant something to all these people you mean the world to me.”

He was still angry, I could see. With a sigh he slumped against the door, head in his hands. I waited a minute before going and kneeling in front of him. My fingers touched his face and I sat with him; both of us falling apart together.

Arguing. It was like a main part to this relationship. You know they say, every relationship has problems. Problems are what made us. A mistake is what we were.

We had our good times. Yeah, I couldn’t deny the bike rides to the lake or the hand held trips to Lucy’s Ice Cream. I keep those in the back of my head. Those were our golden times. They always appeared in the blanks of our bad spells. The times he pushed my honey brown hair behind my ear or called me ‘Ocean Eyes’.

“Bottomless. Bottomless and forever beautiful.” He’d told me, analyzing my blue orbs one day.

But when it went bad, it was bad. Distance was one of the things. How we could never see each other when comfort was needed most. I mean, how could we?

There’s A lot You Don’t Notice, When You Read Between The Lines

When he asked me out, I knew in my mind it was perfection. Simple me with amazing him. To me it would be rainbow kisses and sunshine smiles. We’d have no other thought than to love and be loved by each other.

I’d tell everyone how he took me on these romantic dates and how much he said he loved me. That we loved each other like no other. That we were inseparable. And now I see:

That was the mistake.

We were too much with not enough. I didn’t give myself the time to see the truth until it was too late to change. If I realized, I could have saved us. That’s what I like to tell myself. But I know I couldn’t if I tried. I was lost in the love and blinded by it’s tainted beauty.

The Future’s Out Of Focus, When You’re Blinded By The Light

I know I can’t have what I had back. I have to settle with the damage and will myself to leave the ruins as they lay.

So if he calls me up or sees me on the street, I will keep what we had locked away to rot my mind. If I had the chance to speak to him again, I’d tell him we couldn’t ruin ourselves again. As nice as it sounds, we let it stay in our hearts as reminder.

[&&]

Don’t Speak A Word

I can’t believe it. Even as it makes its way toward me, I don’t want to. His tall frame and head of chocolate brown curls.

The eyes, the eyes that looked into mine with so many emotions before. It made me want to cry. I sat motionless as he smiled and sat across from me. My mug of hot chocolate scorching my hand while my half eaten pie sat in front of me.

“I’ve missed you, Maddie.” He says, my eyes immediately down casting as I hear him speak the words I’ve dreamed to hear him say. But I’ve already let myself douse in this idea of living without him; demolishing my hope of reuniting. It’s not possible, it’s not possible.

“Don’t” I tell him, “Don’t say that.” That makes him squint in confusion.

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t make a difference.” I whispered.

He was quiet for a few moments before staring at me. “You know, when I saw you in the window, I thought we could talk about us. I mean, we can’t just act like we were never together. That we never loved.”

“No, Nicholas. We can’t. At least not to ourselves. But for us leave it where it lies is for the best. Because we can never have us back. I’ve let myself understand that.”

“I don’t understand, Maddie.” He shook his head, almost scared looking.

“It means goodbye.”

“You told me goodbye means forever.” There were tears in his eyes, those beautiful eyes.

“And what I told you is true.”

“No,” He whispered, biting his lip harshly after speaking. I stood up and walked over to him. His eyes begged for me to take it back, but I couldn’t. We couldn’t do this. I kissed his cheek and looked into his eyes, tearful and sad. There was nothing left to say. This was it. I stood erect and walked out of the doors of the little coffee shop, leaving the only love I’ve ever known. Hands in my pockets and tears on my cheeks, I walked in the December snow.

It's a hope for all the hopeless
In the worst of trying times
I resort to being speechless
Cause our love won't survive…