This Is How I Disappear

the next day we just did whatever the fuck we wanted to do.

we layed in our pj's eating ice cream and watching movies and sang along to all the musicals.

we jumped around and sang along to the nightmare before christmas.

I cried watching edward scissor hands.

we chased each other around the house.

we laughed and tickled each other.

he sang to me and I sang to him.

we were just so happy.

it wasn't going to last.
because well reality stepped in and reminded me that I was going to leave him and this.
and I hated myself.
but I am going to spend the rest of this day that i loved him with all I had.

"Hey sugar."
"yeah Bells?"

I took his hand and lead him to the bed.
I was going to show him I loved him.
in every way possible.

we stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

I watched him sleep.

well there is no time like the present.
I grabbed his notebook and wrote him a letter.

hello my dear gerard.

when you wake up I won't be here.
I have left.
I am not going to tell you where I have gone.
Because I don't want you to come looking for me.
because its not safe.
I love you. I want you to know that.
I love you with all my heart.
you showed me everything I have ever wanted to see and more.
you showed me a guy can love a girl and be loyal to her.
and that love really does exist and its not something in fairy tales.
you are my everything.
my best friend
my comrade
my lover
my singing partner
my partner in crime
my bettter half.

you make me happy
you magnify my other half.

I love you Gerard Arthur Way
and I always will.

xoxo
Bella Black

ps.
you are my only exception
and you made me believe.

and with that I got dressed.
put on my shoes and stood at the door frame of our room
and watched him.
I could have died.
but I knew I was doing this not for me but for him.

I looked at him sleeping peacefully and I slipped on his leather jacket.
and walked out the room and headed out the door.
but I took a picture of us from my first show.
it was a copy so I left him the original.

I grabbed my trunk and my guitar and bass.
looked around at everything in our home and closed the door behind me.
I would never see this house again.
I would never walk in it.
I would never feel its warm and I would never see its onwer again.

I walked the six blocks to the motel Matt was staying.
I kept my composure.
I had to.
it was the only way i wouldn't run back and jump back into bed with him.
I made a detour on the way there
and then went to the motel

I knocked on the door of Matt's room and he answered all drowsy.

"Ali?"

and then i couldn't anymore.
I couldn't keep it together.

"Allison whats wrong?!"

I tried to walk but I couldn't I just fell to my knees and cried.
Matt picked me up and helped me inside.
and got my stuff inside as well.

"Allison whats wrong?"
"I left...I left the love of my life."
"What?! why?"
"To protect him...to protect him from Scarlett."
"You didn't ha-"
"yes I did. she would have destroyed his life and I am not going to let her do that."
"Oh sis."
"Yeah give me your cell."
"Why?"
"I have a call to make."

i was going to throw her off.

"He-hello?"
"Hello Scarlett."
"Shut up and just listen."
"Dont you talk to me like"
"I said shut up! now listen to me and listen to me carefully. you are never going to find me. you are not coming to new jersey because I am not there anymore. I am somewhere new. and forget about me. my father didn't leave us any money so we can't give you anything and if we didn't we wouldn't anyway. now forget you had kids because its better that way. and don't bother looking for us because you won't find us. now goodbye scarlett and I hope to never and I mean never hear from you again."

i hung up.

"hey Ali are you sure about this?"
"yeah well then I guess we are moving to our home then."
"What where?"
"I got us a place. and I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
"Our dad...did leave us money."
"What!?"
"yeah after you disappeared a lwayer showed up and handed me two checks one for you and one for me. Ali he left us money to get out and go be free from her and be ourselves. so I took my check and put it in the bank and left. I hired someone to run the store and just traveled. i didn't tell Scarlett I just pack my things, and put the rest of yours and mine in storage. and then I found you."
"How come you didn't tell me?"
"You seemed to be happy and content and I didn't want to ruin that."
"oh."
"Yeah...look we should get some shut eye."
"No...we have to leave now."
"say that again."
"Look we have to go now. because I don't want to risk having them find me okay?"
"Oh okay. just let me get some shoes on and we will drive to our place."
"Okay you have a car right?"
"yeah here get loaded up."

i put everything I had in the car and waited for matt.
and I was just numb at this point.

"So where are we headed matt?"
"Sis we are headed somewhere no one can find us."
"And that is?"
"New york. "
"Okay I have to make a call."

I had a promise to keep.

"hey Mikes. you are probably sleeping by now but I wanted to tell you. I am gone. and I love you. thank you for everything you have done for me. and I left you something on your front porch. its only right you have it. I will keep my end of the bargain. and call you. I love you Michael James Way and I will call again."

I shut the phone and stared out the window and saw the lights pass by.
I loved, I lived, and I felt the roar of the crowd.

Matt kept silent.
and drove.

I had to relax and so I sang

I touched my locket and opened it
and looked at both pictures inside.

and I smiled and cried.

I loved these guys and I loved him.

"and without you is how I disappear and live my life alone forever now."

I stared out the window and stared at the city that now was going to be my home. and cried...

"without you is how I disappear...forever."