You Can't Be Missed, If You Never Go Away

I sat at the kitchen table one Saturday morning, sipping on my freshly made coffee. I heard Jack, my boyfriend of 3 years, walking around. I guessed he had just woken up and was slowly making his way downstairs. In the hall I heard the post fall through the door onto the mat but I didn't move. I couldn’t be bothered – Jack could get it when he got down here. "Lee?" I heard him call out my name and I smiled slightly.
"In the kitchen," I called back. I then heard his slow shuffles heading towards me. I could hear him opening the post as he walked. He appeared in the kitchen doorway, holding an open letter in his left hand, his eyes scanning quickly down the paper. He seemed to have gone deathly pale. "Jack?" I asked worriedly. Jack shook his head, snapping out of his trance. He looked up and smiled at me, but I noticed it was slightly wobbly. I stood up and moved closer to him and he quickly lowered the letter, moving it out of my view. I frowned slightly but didn't comment. Instead, I leant forward and pecked his lips softly. "Morning, baby," I whispered and he smiled.
"Morning," he replied. His voice was sort of breathless, rushed. But I ignored it. I knew that if Jack wanted me to know what he had just read, he would tell me.

I sat back down at the table and Jack handed me back the rest of the post absentmindedly. I smiled and looked up at him, but he was staring at the table, lost in his thoughts. I sorted through the mail and saw I had a letter from my mum. She refused to use email, why, I don’t know, but she stuck to old fashioned letters. I knew I would be getting many letters, especially as I had only just moved out. I guess I just had to get used to it. I knew I would have to reply via letter as well and set a mental reminder to do that as soon as possible. I opened the letter and scanned it. I quickly decided there was nothing of significance in it, just bits about what was going on at home, who was doing what. She added on that she hoped Jack and I were doing well. I knew she was slightly uncomfortable knowing that Jack and I were now living together, but she made her peace with it and moved on reasonably well. Besides, there was nothing she could say that would have dissuaded me from moving in with Jack. And our house was nearer to the city, so it was less of a journey to university for us. We both went to the same uni, I was majoring in psychology and he was majoring in drama. His course was nearly finished but he wanted to go on to do more, and was currently looking for a new university, hopefully not very far away from the city.

We spent the whole day at home, as Jack had requested. I don’t know why he wanted to just chill at home. It was clear to me that something was bothering him. Jack liked to socialise, he liked going out, he liked to always be doing something. But today, all he wanted to do was watch movies and spend time with me. Not that I was complaining. Because, unlike him, I'm not a social person. That Saturday was my kind of day – just chilling and doing nothing. Just sitting on the sofa with my arms tightly around Jack was my favourite type of day. And although I knew Jack was upset about something, I couldn’t help but enjoy the day.

That night, I sat in bed reading a book for school, and Jack came into the room silently. I set the book down as I watched him. He really was beautiful. He black hair framed his face perfectly, his green eyes were accentuated by his pale skin, and his full, pouty lips were completely irresistible. But he had a beautiful personality too. He was loving and kind and honest. And I just loved him so much. "What?" Jack asked as he caught me staring at him. I smiled softly and shook my head.
"Nothing," I smiled and picked my book back up and continued to read. Seconds later, Jack climbed into bed next to me and snuggled into my side, sighing. His bare chest pressed against mine.
"I love you," he whispered and I looked down at him, away from my book.
"I love you, too," I whispered, stroking his hair softly. I closed my book after checking what page I was on and then snuggled down in the bed with him, holding him closer. I knew he needed comfort, he needed me. And I didn't want to ask. So instead I just sat there, waiting for him to open up.

I didn't have to wait long. We had been lying in the darkness for about an hour, but neither of us were asleep yet. "Liam, you know I've been looking for a place to go to study?" Jack asked softly. I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.
"Or course," I said. I absentmindedly stroked my thumb up and down his arm as I held him.
"You know I applied to several places?" I asked and I nodded again. "Well, um, I've got into one..."
"You have!?" I grinned, sitting up and quickly turning on the bedside light so I could see him properly. "That's so great! Where is it?" He lowered his eyes and I instantly knew what he was upset about. The university was a long way away. I felt my heart skip a beat in apprehension, but I knew that I could really get to anywhere in England by train, so it wouldn’t be hard to come and visit him. I leant forward and cupped his jaw and raised his head so I could look into his eyes. "Where, Jack?" I whispered. He closed his eyes as I saw tears pool in his eyes. He moved out of my light grasp and stood up. He went over to the window and looked outside. With every second that passed without Jack replying I felt my fear growing.
"America," he finally whispered. My mouth dropped open. America!? I didn't know what to say. I mean, obviously I was happy for him, but...he was...he was going to America. I lowered my head, still not able to say anything. "Liam?" Jack whispered and I raised my head and looked at him, tears were running down Jack's cheeks similarly to mine. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But Mr Rodgers organised the audition and everything and I never really thought I'd have any chance at getting in so I didn't think it was worth mentioning. I...I guess I could turn it down. I...I don’t want to leave you."
"Where is it? What college?" I asked, ignoring the last few sentences he'd said. He hesitated and I frowned angrily. "Come on, Jack, I think I have the right to know where my boyfriend is going to be living for the next few years." I saw Jack's face crumple at my words.
"Juilliard," he whispered and I couldn’t hold in my gasp. He'd wanted to go to Juilliard since he was about 11, when he first decided he wanted to be an actor. It was his dream and I wasn't going to stand in his way. I looked up at him and smiled weakly.
"I'm so happy for you, Jack," I said and Jack smiled. He knew I wasn't as happy as I was claiming, he could see straight through me. But I think he appreciated my lies.
"I, um...I got a full scholarship," he whispered, ducking his head as though he was embarrassed.
"Seriously!?" I cried. I didn't know much about drama schools, but I knew Juilliard was top. "Oh, my God! That's incredible! Well done!" I grinned at him and flung my arms around him and held him tightly, covering his face with kisses. "I'm so proud of you, baby," I said in between kisses.
"Really?" he asked doubtfully and I pulled away.
"Of course I am! You got into one of the top drama schools!" I grinned and kissed his cheek again. I was deciding to ignore the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see Jack for months at a time. And he probably wouldn’t be able to come back here every holiday because he would have extra work and rehearsals. But I pushed it all out of my head. I was happy for Jack, I was. I couldn’t let him see how upset I was that he was leaving.
"I think I'm going to phone them and reject it," he said and I froze.
"What? Why?" I asked, shocked. He raised his eyes to me and then looked away again and I felt my heart constrict. "No, Jack, don't think about me, please. I couldn’t live with myself if you passed up this opportunity because of me. I don’t want to be the one holding you back."
"You could never hold me back, Lee," he said and I smiled slightly but shook my head.
"If I'm your only excuse to stay here, then you have to go, you can't think of me in this decision. I don’t want you to. This is your dream and I'm not going to let you ignore it," I said. Jack looked at me for a while and then smiled and leant forward and pressed his lips against mine.
"I love you so much," he said and I smiled.
"I know," I said softly.

We both lay back down and I wrapped my arms around Jack's small frame. It wasn't long before Jack was asleep, small snores eventually escaped his mouth. Once I was sure he was asleep, I silently slid out of bed and crept downstairs into the living room. I sat in the armchair and pulled a blanket around me. I stared at the floor for a second before tears started falling in streams from my eyes. I tried to keep quiet, I didn't want Jack to hear me. If he saw how upset and scared I was about him leaving, then I knew he would never do it.

I sat down there crying into my hands for what felt like hours. I knew that if I wasn't in bed when Jack woke up then he'd worry. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to him yet. I knew that I wasn't finished crying, and that if I saw him I would just break down again. I cried until I felt like I was going to be sick, but I still didn't stop. "Liam?" My head snapped up when I heard my name whispered. My eyes met Jack's blue ones. I didn't know what to say, so instead, I opened my arms, inviting him to come and sit with me. His worried, sad expression didn't change as he crossed the room and sat in my lap, wrapped his arms around me and leant his head on my chest. I closed my arms around him, folding the blanket around both of us like a cocoon. And then we sat there, both of us crying.
"I'm sorry," I said after about an hour. Jack just shook his head.
"Don't be sorry," he whispered. "I'msorry."
"I don’t want you to be sorry either," I said softly. He smiled weakly and pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. "You...You won't forget about me, will you?" I asked hesitantly and Jack immediately pulled away from me.
"Lee, of course I won't!" he said sincerely. "I love you so much. No one could ever replace you. How could I forget you?" I lowered my eyes. Jack was gorgeous. He could easily meet some musician in America who would sweep Jack off his feet. Then he'd be lost to me forever. "I promise, Liam," Jack whispered as he gazed into my eyes.
"I'm g-going to m-miss y-you so m-much," I choked out and Jack moved back into my arms and held me tightly. I gripped him tightly back and felt him shaking slightly and knew he was crying as well.



The next few months passed too quickly and soon enough there was only one day before Jack was flying to America. Neither of us knew how to spend our last day together, so we just stayed at home and held each other. Both of us were quite lethargic and didn't want to do anything, just be together. We spent most of the day in bed, just lying in each other's arms. We'd moved Jack's packed suitcases downstairs already because whenever I'd seen them I'd always start crying.

Too soon, we were getting ready and packing up the car with Jack's bags. I was driving him to the airport. It was about a 2 hour drive, so we would be together for a while yet. Before we had to say goodbye. I was dreading that time. Once we started driving, we fell into the usual routine of making stupid words out of people's number plates. It was so normal that I almost forgot that we were heading to the airport. I knew Jack was doing it on purpose, trying to distract me from our destination. Part of me loved him for it. Part of me wished he wouldn’t.

I wanted to drive slowly, to draw out the time where Jack and I were together, but I knew I couldn’t otherwise he would miss his plane. Eventually, we reached the airport. I pulled up in the allocated parking for drop offs. We weren’t allowed to stay long in this place. As soon as Jack had gone I was going to be forced to move. I got out of the car as well and helped Jack load up his bags onto a trolley. I could already feel my tears building behind my eye lids. As we put the last bag on the trolley I felt my heart lurch. This was it, this was the last time I would see Jack until Christmas. Four months. How was I going to survive 4 months without him? "I'll be home before you know it," Jack said as though reading my thoughts. I smiled weakly. Both of us knew he was just saying that to make this easier. Neither of us believed it. Jack took me into his arms tightly.
"I love you," I whispered in his ear and his arms tightened.
"I love you, too," he whispered back. He pulled back and gazed into my eyes and then leant forward and planted a passionate kiss on my lips. "I'll phone you," he whispered against my lips. "Every day." I smiled weakly as tears pooled in my eyes.
"I'll hold you to that," I managed to say and Jack laughed weakly.
"Promise," he said and I smiled. We gazed at each other for another short period of time but then Jack looked down at his watch. "I should go," he said quietly and I nodded. He pressed another kiss to my lips and then quickly pulled away and walked through the doors of the airport and then disappeared. Tears trickled down my cheeks but I knew I had to move my car. I quickly got back in and then started driving back to my house. I knew it wouldn’t feel like home until Jack was back with me.