You Can't Be Missed, If You Never Go Away

I hated it. I hated living without Jack. I hated waking up without Jack. I hated going to sleep without Jack. I hated being on my own. I hated that I could only speak to Jack via that phone. I hated that the only way I could see him was on the computer. I hated that I couldn’t touch him. I hated that I couldn’t smell him. I hated that I couldn’t kiss him.

But, for him, I forced myself to deal with it. He was enjoying his new school, and I knew that if I told him how much I hated this new situation that he would feel guilty. So whenever we spoke, I lied. I told him about all the stuff I'd been up to, hanging out with friends, going to clubs. I wondered why he believed I was doing all this stuff, when I hadn’t even done it when he was here. I was blatantly lying, and yet he didn't realise. Or maybe he didn't want to realise. Maybe he did feel guilty for leaving me but was choosing to ignore the problems.

As he had promised, we spoke every day. But due to the time difference it was really awkward to find enough time to talk about everything. Jack told me about everything at his new university. It was clear that it was everything he imagined it would be. He told me of all the different people there, of all the different talents people had. He told me about his roommate, Taylor, who plays the guitar.

When I'd heard that piece of information, I'd felt my heart and smile falter. His roommate was a musician? I could see my fear coming to reality. What if Jack fell for this guy? Would he tell me, or would he just pretend everything was okay? If he told me, would he tell me over the phone, or would he wait till Christmas break to tell me? If he waited until Christmas, God knows how long they could have been together.

I had to force myself to stop thinking these thoughts; otherwise God knows what I'd do. I forced myself into my studies. I read more psychology books than I can count. I managed to get really into it all that I successfully pushed Jack, and any possible relationships he might make, out of my head. At least for a little while.



I sat in the airport nervously. What if as soon as he saw me he told me that he had someone new? I kept biting my lip despite it becoming incredibly tender. What if he didn't want me anymore? What would I do without him in my life? I looked back up and my heart lurched with anxiety when I saw that Jack's flight had 'landed' written next to it. He was here, just a few minutes away from me. Butterflies flitted in swarms in my stomach. I continued to gnaw at my lip. I stood up, moving closer to the gate. Dozens of other people were standing their waiting for friends and family.

The first person appeared in the gate and then the rush came. Every passenger from the plane poured through the small tunnel. But my eyes stayed glued on the gate. They wouldn’t move until I had sight of Jack.

At last, his black hair appeared and I felt my heart skip a beat. The first time I would touch him in 4 months. I watched as he looked around desperately. I smiled widely and moved more into view. When he saw me he stopped walking and a grin appeared on his lips. He then started running towards me. He dropped his back just before he threw his arms around my neck and held me tightly. My arms were around him just as securely as I held him against my body. I closed my eyes and buried my face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent. I smiled slightly as I realised just how much I'd missed him. Now that I had him back, I knew it would be hard to let him go again once the holidays were over. Jack lifted his head and then pressed his lips firmly against mine in a passionate kiss. "I missed you," he whispered as he planted small kisses over my face and neck. "So much."
"I missed you more," I whispered and he just shook his head as he kissed me again.

Eventually he pulled back and picked up his bag again. We went to luggage retrieval and found his suitcase. He'd only brought one back rather than the 3 he'd taken because there was no point bringing back all his clothes if he wasn't going to wear them. Once we had his bag, we got back to the car and then started the journey home. Jack's hand was in mine the entire journey and my smile never faded.

Jack sighed when I parked the car outside our house and I turned to him. "What?" I asked and he shook his head and smiled.
"Good to be home," he said and I grinned and nodded.
"Good to have you home," I said and he smiled. We got out the car and Jack grabbed his suitcase and we then went inside. He looked around, a small smile on his lips, and then turned to me.
"It's just the same," he said and I smiled and nodded.
"I couldn’t change it without you here, could I? It's still your house as well," I said and he smiled and nodded. He came over to me and stood right in front of me.
"Did you change the bedroom?" he asked, his fingers brushing over my shirt. I felt my heartbeat start to increase.
"No," I whispered.
"Can we go check?" he asked and I nodded mutely. Jack grinned and took hold of my hand before pulling my upstairs with him.

We walked through the door and Jack glanced around. "Hmm," he said and I frowned slightly.
"What?" I asked quietly.
"It is just the same..." he said and I didn't know what to say so I just nodded. He turned to me and grinned before coming towards me and pushing me back against the wall and kissing me passionately, pressing his body close against mine. I quickly took charge and kissed him back as I picked him up, pulling him closer against me. He wrapped his legs around my waist tightly, securely pressing our clothed erections together. We both moaned into the kiss. I moved away from the wall over to the bed and we fell onto it, me laying over Jack and covering his face and neck in light kisses. "Lee, it's...it's been too long...need it...need you," Jack gasped and I could feel myself becoming even harder at his desperate pleas. I moved back up and kissed him deeply while unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it from his body. I didn't even realise that Jack had been working on my shirt at the same time and we were now both bare-chested. I leant down, pressing our skin together and we both moaned with the contact. "Lee," Jack moaned, begged. I smirked slightly and I reached down and quickly pushed Jack's jeans and boxers off. I gazed down at his body for a second, biting my lip, before quickly moving to get lube from my bedside table draw. As I did this, I felt Jack pulling at my jeans and boxers, pushing them down. I helped my shaking them off my feet. Then I moved back over Jack and as our hardened members touched we both groaned loudly. "Liam, please..." Jack whispered and I immediately opened the lube tube and squeezed a fair amount onto my fingers.
"Gotta stretch you, baby," I whispered as I kissed his cheek softly. I heard him moan in protest but he didn't stop me. I moved my fingers lower and then pressed into his tight entrance. I pushed one finger in first and Jack moaned and his eyes slid shut. I soon felt him pressing against me and so I pushed a second finger into him. I heard him gasp softly, but other than that he made no reaction to the additional invasion.
"Liam, please stop, I need you inside me, now," he demanded and I grinned and pulled my fingers out of him. I knew I should probably stretch him more, considering he hadn’t had sex in 4 months, but neither of us could wait any longer.

I moved back up Jack's body and kissed him hard, my tongue thrusting into his mouth. "Love you," I whispered when I pulled back and Jack smiled softly.
"Love you, too," he said and then I started to push forward. I felt Jack tense underneath me and his eyes screwed up in pain. I cupped the side of Jack's cheek as I stopped moving my hips.
"Jack, breathe, baby," I said softly and watched as Jack's chest rose again. "Do you want-"
"No!" Jack said immediately, before I'd even asked the question. "Keep going." I did as he said and slowly, hesitantly, moved forward. I could feel Jack's heart beat pounding against my chest as I slowly pushed forward, and then my hips met Jacks; I was completely inside of him. And the feeling that burst through me was incredible. I'd missed Jack so much and this connection was something that was desperately needed between us. "Move," I heard Jack gasp and I slowly pulled back and then pushed forward again. I repeated the movement and then found Jack's prostate on the third thrust. I smiled; even 4 months apart hadn't caused me to forget the intricate details of Jack's body. I moaned as I felt Jack dig his nails into my shoulders. "Oh, God, Lee!" he moaned, arching his back off the bed as I continuously thrust against his prostate.
"Fuck," I moaned as I felt him clinch down around my cock tightly. I brought my hand up and started to pump him in time with my thrusts.
"Lee...I-I'm close," he gasped as he writhed on the bed beneath me.
"Me, too," I whispered. Only a few minutes later Jack cried out and came in my hand. Feeling him so tight around me triggered my orgasm and we came together.

I fell to the bed, managing to avoid landing most of my weight on Jack. But he just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back on top of him as he hugged me. "I missed you so much," he whispered into my hair and I smiled.
"I missed you, too," I whispered. Neither of us wanted to sleep, we wanted to just spend time in each other's arms, but eventually both of our eyes closed and we were fast asleep.

I opened my eyes and realised I'd woken up happily for the first time in months; I was in Jack's arms. I smiled softly and snuggled closer into his warmth. "Morning," Jack sighed sleepily. I glanced up at him and saw he was still pretty much asleep. I decided not to reply, hoping that he would get some more sleep. "I'm awake now," he muttered, reading my thoughts and I smiled and pulled away slightly to look up at him.
"Morning," I smiled and kissed his cheek. He pulled me back against him immediately and I smiled. "Nothing compares to waking up with you holding me," I sighed as I rested my head back on his shoulder.
"Mmm," Jack murmured in agreement as he leant his head on top of mine.



The next few weeks passed slowly, both Jack and I spent every second together, but we were both aware of the weeks slowly ticking by. We'd only had 5 to start with, and now we were down to two. But we still had Christmas Day and New Year.

It was our first Christmas with just the two of us in our new house. I was so grateful that Jack was here for Christmas, that he hadn’t had to stay at school for whatever reason. As cliché as it sounds, I couldn’t have asked for a better present than having Jack with me for Christmas, and I didn't hesitate before telling Jack so. "Hmm, maybe I should return my present then...?" he smiled, teasing me. I pouted and he laughed and kissed my lips. "I'm kidding, baby," he reassured me and I grinned.

On Christmas morning, Jack and I were both awake early, due to my mum phoning at the crack of dawn to wish us a merry Christmas. We had spoken briefly and then mum had to go and see what dad was up to, so the conversation ended. I was kind of relieved, because I just wanted to spend Christmas with Jack. I went into the living room to see Jack sitting cross-legged on the sofa, facing the door. I paused slightly and then grinned and walked over and sat next to him, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. "Ready for your present?" he asked me and I grinned and nodded. I bit my lip slightly, wondering if my present was going to be really crappy in comparison to his. He pulled a small box from behind him and held it on the palm of his hand. It was only about 1 inch by 1 inch, so not very large. I looked up into Jack's eyes and then reached out and picked up the box. I slowly opened it and my breath caught in my throat. Against the black, velvet lining sat a beautiful silver ring.
"Jack..." I breathed. I picked it up tenderly and gazed at it.
"Read the inscription," he whispered, his voice no louder than mine had been. I tilted the ring slightly and saw a small inscription on the inside of the band. J <3 L. I looked up at Jack with tears in my eyes and smiled at him.
"I love it, thank you," I whispered and leant forward and kissed him softly. I put the ring on and then admired how it looked on my finger. "Thank you," I said again and Jack simply smiled. I bit my lip before reaching under the sofa and bringing out a rectangular box and passing it to Jack. He slowly opened the box and I heard his soft gasp. I bit my lip, waiting for his response.
"Liam," he whispered and I looked at his face and was shocked to see tears in his eyes. Inside the box was a silver photo frame with the words, 'I'll love you forever' engraved along the top in an extravagant style. In the centre was a picture of us when we were about 18, just after we'd met, and we'd gone to prom. I wasn't too keen on the picture, but I knew it was Jack's favourite.
"I...I thought you could take it with you when..." I said, trailing off. Jack leant forward and pressed his lips against mine tenderly.
"It's incredible, thank you," he said and I smiled. "Just so you know, I don’t need a picture of us to remember how much I love you." I blushed slightly and Jack chuckled slightly before kissing me again.



All too soon, I was taking Jack back to the airport. I hated to have to do it, but I knew I had to. And besides, I wouldn’t like not taking him. I wanted to be with him for as long as possible. As I drove, I kept my attention on the road but when we were sitting in traffic, I fiddled with the ring Jack had given me. Jack noticed after a few seconds and reached over and took my hand. He didn't say anything, but that gesture was enough. I smiled softly at him and then returned my eyes to the road.

The goodbye was similar to the first time. We kissed and we hugged until the last possible second. "I'll see you for Easter," he said softly and I nodded. Despite knowing this was coming, I couldn’t hold in my tears.
"I love you," I whispered and Jack smiled and pecked my lips.
"I love you, too," he whispered into my ear and then turned and walked away. I bit my lip hard as I watched him get further away from me, and I then turned and got back into my car. I looked at the ring for a second before starting the car and driving home again.



It was mid-march when my classes finished, but I still had over a month before Jack would be finished and coming home. Now I didn't have my studies to distract me, I was more aware of his absence than ever. True, we still spoke every day, but...it just wasn't enough. And Jack and his roommate seemed to be getting closer and closer. I mean, I don’t care, it's not that I don’t want Jack to have friends over there... It's just that...what if something happens? Jack is always going on about how amazing he is at the piano...

Even though I hated myself for admitting the real reason for doing this, I bought myself a plane ticket to America. I knew, deep down, it was because I was scared I was losing Jack, but I told myself it was just because I missed him and wanted to surprise him.

So that's how I found myself, 6.30 a.m. in the middle of New York. I had arrived about an hour before and had been looking around. I wanted to go straight to Jack, but now that I was here, I was nervous about it. What if he saw through my lies and knew why I was here? What if he hated me for it?

By about 10 o'clock, I had talked myself into going to him. I knew his address because he had given it to me in case I needed to send him anything, or he wanted anything from home that he'd forgotten to take with him. I located a cab and gave him the address. He just nodded before heading in the right direction. As we drove I looked out the windows at the city. It was huge. Compared to London, this place was amazing. No wonder Jack liked it so much.

Nearly 40 minutes passed before the driver pulled to a stop outside a run-down looking house. I gave him his money and then jumped out, pulling my back pack with me. I looked up at the house and bit my lip. Would he be happy to see me? I hoped he would...but he might not be. What if his roommate didn't know he was gay?

I jumped when the front door to the house opened and a young girl appeared. She noticed me standing there and smiled at me slightly. "You lost?" she asked and I shook my head.
"I'm looking for someone," I said and I saw her beam.
"You're Liam!" she shrieked, making me jump again. I nodded warily and she grinned. "Aww, you're so cute," she said and I smiled and blushed.
"Um, thanks," I said uncomfortably.
"I'm Lola," she said and I nodded politely, as though Jack had talked about her before. "Jack's in the living room, at least, he was when I left. Just go on in, they won't mind. I come and go all day." She laughed and then walked away. I stood there, slightly dazed, and then turned back to the house. I took a breath before walked up the crumbling steps and opening the front door. The place was nice, it had a homey feel to it and a warm atmosphere. I walked inside hesitantly, leaving the door open behind me. I turned at the first door I came to and froze, feeling my heart jump into my throat. Jack was sitting on the sofa with a boy straddling his lap and they were kissing deeply. The boy's hands were cupping Jack's face softly, Jack's hands were lying at his sides.

I must have made a noise without realising, because the boy on Jack's lap jumped back in shock. I wasn't looking at him, I was staring at Jack. My face was an expressionless mask, concealing all my emotions. But the tears running down my cheeks were a giveaway. "L-Liam?" Jack asked, appearing to just get over his shock. No one moved. Eventually I shook my head and took a step backwards. My small movement caused a reaction in Jack. He immediately pushed the boy, who I assumed to be Taylor, the roommate, off his lap onto the floor and ran over to me. I tried to escape, but he gripped onto my wrist and wouldn’t let me leave. "Liam, it's not what it looks like, I swear! It's...It's just..."
"Just what?" I demanded angrily, tears still running from my eyes. "Because it looks like you were fucking enjoying it!"
"Liam, please," he said, tears now running down his cheeks similarly to mine. I shook my head and took another step away from him. I couldn’t believe this. How could he do this to me? This is what I had most feared would happen...except I'd always feared Jack telling me he was with someone else. I'd never imagined finding out for myself. I looked at the boy on the floor, staring at us wide-eyed. "He means nothing to me, Liam, I promise. Please listen to me. I love you. I always will, always have," he said softly and looked back into his eyes. I could see the sincerity in his gaze and quickly looked away. "Lee," he said softly, stepping closer to me. He cupped my jaw and then pressed his lips against mine tenderly. My eyes slip shut as I let myself enjoy this kiss. When the kiss came to an end, I pulled back.
"Goodbye, Jack," I said softly, slipping the ring off my finger and placing it on his palm.
"No! Liam, please!" I heard him sob but I had already turned away. "Liam!"

I shut the door behind me and kept walking until I was out of view from the house. Then I stopped, leant against the wall and cried.