Homecoming

“So…now what?”

The question Evan asked through the phone was the same question that had made a considerable number of rounds in my mind. That was actually why I’d called him, but I should’ve known he wouldn’t know what to do.

“You’re supposed to tell me,” I groan, resting my head on the headboard and looking over at my alarm clock. Five thirty-two pm, Wednesday October fourteenth. Today is me and Alex’s week anniversary.

“Me? Tell you what to do next? I still can’t even get over the fact that he was getting off to you and your boyfriend. Are you sure it was him?”

“Yes. It was just yesterday, I heard him as soon as he picked up, the volume was on high, and I heard the hello as soon as the button was pushed in my pocket. And when we were done I heard this soft panting and then Alex when to get cleaned up and I grabbed the phone and heard sighing then he hung up.”

“Wow. Connor…gay?”

“No. That doesn’t mean he’s gay,” I roll my eyes but these a slight excitement in my voice now and I’m trying to hold back a slight smile even though I’m in my bedroom alone.

Evan chuckles, “You sound kind of happy. Is Connor getting off to your moans a good thing?”

I pause, considering if I should tell him or not. If I should say it once again aloud, if I want the guilt to wiggle out with my words and linger above me all day; all day on our week anniversary. Alex is kind of a sap, he brought me flowers today and we’re going to dinner and a movie tonight, even though it’s Wednesday.

“I um… I kind of… uh- k-kind of…”

“Oh, spit it out, Nate.”

“I love him.”

“Well duh.”

My eye brows furrow for a moment, “No, I mean, I’m…in love with him. I mean Connor.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What?” My eyes grow and my eyebrows furrow even further.

“Okay, maybe I didn’t know to the love extent but I did know you liked him. And before you ask, it’s because the way you talk about him. The way even when he broke your heart you were just concerned with him coming back. The way your voice jumped when you told me about the phone thing. The way you don’t talk about Alex like that at all.”

It’s that last reason that kind of tugs at my heart.

“I really do like Alex…” I feel like this is necessary to say. It’s true, but sometimes I look at him and feel so bad. I know his original intentions were to just get me to forget my feelings for Connor but it seems like the blackmailer is doing the opposite. I wonder when if when he looks at me, he can just tell I’ll never love him like I love Connor. I wonder if he could tell at the exact moment he looked in my eyes at school today, handed me flowers and said it’s okay I didn’t get him anything.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad…” Evan kind of sounds like Connor when he says this and I can just imagine him biting his lip with scrunched brows.

“You’re so much like Connor…” I let slip out.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t forget I’m engaged, Nate.”

I chuckle, “Yeah, I know. So where is that future husband of yours?”

“He’s next to me in this hotel room; listening in on our conversation and mouthing suggestions for me to tell you. Ouch! …And hitting me.”

“Evan! I’d hit you too if I were there.”

“Sorry…I’m nearly married; nothing is personal or private anymore.”

I sigh, “Well, Cole, what are your thoughts since honestly, Evan’s not helping much.”

I hear a chuckle from a voice that isn’t Evan’s, then a ‘hey!’ from him.

“I think Connor likes you,” Cole says. My mouth drops and all thoughts slip from my mind for just a moment.

Evan gives a dry ‘ha’, “No, no, no, you’ve gotta be kidding, babe, Connor, Connor is…I don’t want to say evil, but how many days ago was it that he was homophobic?”

“He’s just insecure,” Cole says.

“No, he’s just going through some phase. Every boy does right? He’s just curious with all the gay that’s suddenly surrounding him,” Evan replies.
I hear a sigh, “Or maybe you just haven’t forgiven him yet, Evan.”

“Or maybe I’m just trying to stop what happened to me, from happening to Nate.”
I’m out of the conversation by now, but I hardly notice because I’m still running the idea of ‘Connor likes me’ through my mind.

“Is that why we always visit when he’s gone to your dads then? And what about seeing your dad-“

“Not my dad,” Evan cuts Cole off with a…less that enthused tone. It’s the first time I’ve heard him speak like that to Cole. He practically puts that boy on a pedestal. He loves him more than anything. Everyone can tell just by the way he looks at him; like they’re fucking made for each other, soul mates…no, closer than that. They were originally one, but split at birth and put into different states so they could find each other.

“You know, that’s that exact same thing Connor says,” I intervene.

“What?” Evan remembers I’m on the phone.

“That Robert isn’t your dad. Just calls him Robert and says my dad is his. He’s sorry, you know.”

“There you go again, fighting Connor’s wars, fixing his mistakes.” Evan suddenly seems a little bitter.

“What’s…wrong with that?” I ask quietly.

There’s a pause. “Nothing…I guess,” his tone lightens, “Just another reason I know you really are in love with him.”

I sigh, “So I’m gonna ask one more time-“

“Just wait,” Cole says, “If I’m right…he’ll do something.”

“Wait? Wait for what?” I slump down into my pillows.

“Wait for him,” he chuckles as if it’s obvious.

And I do. I go out to eat and to the movies with Alex, return the blow job when we get home. Let him spend the night, let Connor pick us up in the morning. I go through the same things every day for a week. Go to school, do work, and come home. Repeat. Pretending to like Alex like a boyfriend, pretending to like Connor as just a friend. It’s all about acting normal, but really I’m anticipating, expecting.

Just waiting.