Learning How to Swim
Do It Alone
“What do you mean?” I demanded, my voice louder than usual.
“Please, Alyssa. Try to understand this,” my father begged, his voice carrying an audible apology.
“No! You can’t do this! It’s not fair!”
“Alyssa,” Steven whispered, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Please think of Kara. She needs help.”
“Don’t take their side!” I hissed, turning to my parents. “How can you honestly think sending her out of state is going to help her? You’re just going to make her even more miserable than she was here!”
“She’ll come back in six months, and she’ll feel so much better. She’ll come home and everything will be normal again. Ruth Quigley told us about the rehab clinic and how much it helped Steven. Don’t you want your sister to be happy again?”
“But…” I glanced over to Steven, but I knew he wasn’t going to side with me.
I tried to argue further, but Kara walked up to me, her suitcase already in her hand. She was still so skinny, and her hair was still falling out. She snatched me from Steven to hold me tightly, pressing a piece of paper into my pocket.
“Alyssa, I can’t do this alone,” she told me, shaking her gaunt head. “I need to fix things. I’ll come back, and we’ll be best friends again.”
“Don’t go,” I begged her, biting my lip as it started to tremble.
She shook her head. “I have to. It’ll be the first right thing I’ve done in a long time.” She paused. “Alyssa, why do people smile when they cry?”
I opened my mouth, but shook my head. What an odd question. I had asked why she had asked, but she just shrugged. She refused to speak to me anymore after telling me that she loved me. My parents told me that they were driving her to Virginia, so I needed to find a place to stay. Steven’s mom told me that I was welcome to stay with them.
As Steven drove us to my house to pack, I pulled out the piece of paper she had stuffed into my pocket.
Alyssa, I’m sorry about everything. You never suffocated me. You tried to save me, but I suppose you can’t save someone who refuses to be saved. And don’t be mad at Steven. I can tell that he really likes you. Tell him I’m sorry for everything. I wouldn’t be mad if he was my brother-in-law. I just want to make sure you know that I love you so much, and I promise I never stopped. Throughout the whole rollercoaster lifestyle this bipolar depression puts on me, I never doubted that little fact. We’re sisters, and I think I got the best one in the whole world. When I come back, we have a lot of catching up to do, and don’t you forget it.
I smiled, folding up the paper and tucking it into my pocket. Steven touched my arm gently, smiling softly as we walked into my abandoned house.
“She’s going to be fine, Alyssa,” he told me, catching my hand and pulling me in for a quick kiss. I snuggled into his chest.
“I know,” I mumbled, holding him as close as I could. “I just can’t believe I’m not going to see her for so long.”
“I know, but imagine when you finally see her again.”
“Why do people smile when they cry?”
He looked little caught off guard. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s the muscles in the mouth corresponding with the tear ducts in your eyes, or maybe it’s because your body is trying to loosen up and, well, it does take more muscles and energy to frown than it does to smile… I honestly have no clue.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” I mumbled. “Does crying feel good?”
“It’s okay to cry sometimes—not that I do it all the time.”
He smiled, sort of. “I suppose it feels better than bottling it up.”
It was then that I realized I had never cried in front of him.
“You know, you don’t need to do everything alone.”
I bit my lip as it started to tremble, but I threw my arms around his neck.
“There is always someone you can lean on.”
Steven tensed, but wrapped his arms around me, as if he knew what I needed. He mumbled something in my ear, but I couldn’t listen. I was just too far gone. I took in a deep breath as my eyes started watering.
“I’m sure he’d let you cry on his shoulder if you really needed to.”
My shoulders shook as I sobbed, mumbling over and over again that I missed her already. Steven just rubbed my back softly, holding me and murmuring that everything would get better as time passed. I couldn’t stop crying even when we got to his house and were lying in bed. The years had finally caught up with me.
And I didn’t fight the smile that formed alongside the tears.
If it bothered him, he never said anything. He stayed awake with me until I finally fell asleep around two in the morning, to the sound of his heart beating in my ear.
“Please, Alyssa. Try to understand this,” my father begged, his voice carrying an audible apology.
“No! You can’t do this! It’s not fair!”
“Alyssa,” Steven whispered, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Please think of Kara. She needs help.”
“Don’t take their side!” I hissed, turning to my parents. “How can you honestly think sending her out of state is going to help her? You’re just going to make her even more miserable than she was here!”
“She’ll come back in six months, and she’ll feel so much better. She’ll come home and everything will be normal again. Ruth Quigley told us about the rehab clinic and how much it helped Steven. Don’t you want your sister to be happy again?”
“But…” I glanced over to Steven, but I knew he wasn’t going to side with me.
I tried to argue further, but Kara walked up to me, her suitcase already in her hand. She was still so skinny, and her hair was still falling out. She snatched me from Steven to hold me tightly, pressing a piece of paper into my pocket.
“Alyssa, I can’t do this alone,” she told me, shaking her gaunt head. “I need to fix things. I’ll come back, and we’ll be best friends again.”
“Don’t go,” I begged her, biting my lip as it started to tremble.
She shook her head. “I have to. It’ll be the first right thing I’ve done in a long time.” She paused. “Alyssa, why do people smile when they cry?”
I opened my mouth, but shook my head. What an odd question. I had asked why she had asked, but she just shrugged. She refused to speak to me anymore after telling me that she loved me. My parents told me that they were driving her to Virginia, so I needed to find a place to stay. Steven’s mom told me that I was welcome to stay with them.
As Steven drove us to my house to pack, I pulled out the piece of paper she had stuffed into my pocket.
Alyssa, I’m sorry about everything. You never suffocated me. You tried to save me, but I suppose you can’t save someone who refuses to be saved. And don’t be mad at Steven. I can tell that he really likes you. Tell him I’m sorry for everything. I wouldn’t be mad if he was my brother-in-law. I just want to make sure you know that I love you so much, and I promise I never stopped. Throughout the whole rollercoaster lifestyle this bipolar depression puts on me, I never doubted that little fact. We’re sisters, and I think I got the best one in the whole world. When I come back, we have a lot of catching up to do, and don’t you forget it.
I smiled, folding up the paper and tucking it into my pocket. Steven touched my arm gently, smiling softly as we walked into my abandoned house.
“She’s going to be fine, Alyssa,” he told me, catching my hand and pulling me in for a quick kiss. I snuggled into his chest.
“I know,” I mumbled, holding him as close as I could. “I just can’t believe I’m not going to see her for so long.”
“I know, but imagine when you finally see her again.”
“Why do people smile when they cry?”
He looked little caught off guard. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s the muscles in the mouth corresponding with the tear ducts in your eyes, or maybe it’s because your body is trying to loosen up and, well, it does take more muscles and energy to frown than it does to smile… I honestly have no clue.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” I mumbled. “Does crying feel good?”
“It’s okay to cry sometimes—not that I do it all the time.”
He smiled, sort of. “I suppose it feels better than bottling it up.”
It was then that I realized I had never cried in front of him.
“You know, you don’t need to do everything alone.”
I bit my lip as it started to tremble, but I threw my arms around his neck.
“There is always someone you can lean on.”
Steven tensed, but wrapped his arms around me, as if he knew what I needed. He mumbled something in my ear, but I couldn’t listen. I was just too far gone. I took in a deep breath as my eyes started watering.
“I’m sure he’d let you cry on his shoulder if you really needed to.”
My shoulders shook as I sobbed, mumbling over and over again that I missed her already. Steven just rubbed my back softly, holding me and murmuring that everything would get better as time passed. I couldn’t stop crying even when we got to his house and were lying in bed. The years had finally caught up with me.
And I didn’t fight the smile that formed alongside the tears.
If it bothered him, he never said anything. He stayed awake with me until I finally fell asleep around two in the morning, to the sound of his heart beating in my ear.