Lost In You

I bit the inside of my cheek as I listened to Mikey's rambling on about how it takes him forever to apply his tear like make up. He was just so annoying but when I looked over at Hayden, his pale eyes were filled with adoration. He was absolutely head over heels for this kid. What tugged my heart strings was that Hayden spent all of his spare time with him. Gerard placed his hand in mine gently. I looked over as he sweetly smiled at me. I smiled back and sighed. Hayden was so right, we could never have a future together as much as I wanted it. Him and Mikey were perfect for each other. That kid with the mysterious scars that wrapped around his limbs and the boy with the big pale eyes. They were like Mac n' cheese with ketchup or like PB n' J. I was more like the side salad that watched from another plate.

"Mikey." I interrupted. He stopped in the middle of what he was talking about to stare at me. Hayden also turned his attention to me as did the rest of the table. "Tell us about your scars." I wasn't even trying to mock him or be mean. It was a harmless statement.

"Oh these?" he traced one that ran around his elbow. I nodded as I scanned his arms. They were real wounds. No one could ever fake them. "Well, I don't know what happened here." he chuckled as he continued to trace both elbows. "As for this one..." he held up his left hand and showed us the one around his wrist. "It was a bone saw..." he smiled sadly. "My own actions caused it."

"You severed your own hand?" I asked in disbelief.

"Frank." Hayden gave me a look of warning.

"Why would you do that?" I felt bitterness begin to rise... and I was doing so well.

"You don't understand what depression is until you're truly there." he looked me in the eye and I was captivated by the beautiful shades of purple in his own eyes. "Its as though you're locked in a glass box and no one can see or hear you. They just walk right by and ignore your cries for help." his bottom lip began to tremble.

"Its okay Mikey." Hayden cooed and pulled him into his arms. My throat was burning and it took a moment for me to realize I was crying myself.

"Frankie?" Gerard asked.

"Why." It was a statement.

"Because the pain was too much. It wouldn't leave me. You wouldn't understand. Every cut released the numbness and it took the pain away until I cut again but then I had a thought. If I just... cut something off, the endorphins would come faster and stronger making me feel better."

"Did they?" I asked boldly.

"Frank!" Hayden hissed.

"Yes." Mikey grinned. He looked so evil... it made my skin crawl.

"Frank, come on... let's go to class." Gerard stood up and pulled me up with him. I felt as though someone filled me with bricks. I felt to heavy to move but none the less, Gerard dragged me behind him. My legs moved on autopilot, I was too lost within myself to notice anything around me. I myself felt numb. All the spite I felt for Mikey slipped away to leave a large void within myself. I felt myself stop and Gerard turn to me. He was angry I could tell. We were outside somewhere. All I saw was a green field... the soccer field? I looked up the brick wall. This was where the druggies hung out. I looked at Gerard again. He looked worried. He was saying something I couldn't hear. There was roaring in my ears like I was beside the ocean. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. I must have fallen asleep then.